Julia Claire
@ohJuliatweets
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writer of screeds/jokes @crookedmedia , all of my teeth are real.
Boston ➡️ Brooklyn ➡️ LA
Joined July 2009
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어린이날
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こどもの日
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子供の日
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鯉のぼり
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#光る君へ
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#鬼滅の刃
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GW最終日
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予選突破
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Dhoni
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#PBKSvCSK
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Happy Easter
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Thala
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KRIST SINGTO GOLDENSONG
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アフター
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Al Jazeera
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予選通過
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Ginting
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#羽生結弦RE_PRAY舞台裏SP
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えーりん
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BUILD INFINITY 1 MILLION
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四塩化一黄酸
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Pinned Tweet
Once again find myself thinking about my favorite headline of all-time
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Britney Spears not being “permitted” to have her IUD removed is the darkest thing imaginable
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Putting a baby in a freezer would kill it, but freezing embryos keeps them alive. That's why an embryo isn't a baby. Hope that helps if you're very stupid <3
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In 2014 an Ohio judge punched his then-wife 20 times and slammed her head against the dashboard of his car five times, breaking her orbital bone in front of their children. He served only 9 months and was subsequently hired by the Mayor of Cleveland. Yesterday he killed her.
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What’s the point of being the fastest woman in the world if you can’t even smoke weed to unwind after a long day of being the fastest woman in the world
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If they want to keep the federal minimum wage at $7.25 great just adjust the price of college to $500 per semester and rent on one bedroom apartments to $400/month and we’re even
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It’s insane to me that homeschooling is an accepted practice in this country. Real teachers have to go through years of training and state certification but an Evangelical mom with a BA in marketing who “isn’t sure about the Holocaust” can be like “No I should be the teacher.”
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Seeing so many tweets about how accomplished Adam Driver is "at such a young age" (38) two days after seeing a ton of tweets about how Hillary Duff looks "great for her age" (34)
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I feel like the “we’re not wearing bras anymore” discourse is for women with small tits so you gals have fun
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My roommate and her girlfriend are constantly having orgasms in the morning and it’s like ladies, please, some of us are trying to read about The Troubles in Northern Ireland
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My relationship with my dad improved a lot when I realized he’s just some guy
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Why are there PSAs asking *Millennials* to wear masks when everyone I've seen not wearing a mask or wearing it around their chin has always been over 40
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America is at the kids’ table watching all the other countries have dessert but we can’t because we refuse to eat the smallest portion of vegetables
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If your entire personality is giving people a hard time *as a joke*, know that you are one of the most exhausting people on earth
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Hi this is part of the reason why we have a nationwide housing crisis and shouldn’t be legal let alone celebrated thanks
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Following a bunch of animal rescues on instagram informed me that people RETURN cats for the flimsiest reasons, or no reason at all, which is unthinkable to me! Even if I got a bad cat I would be like well this is my shitty cat now congrats pal here's a lifetime of care & treats.
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My uncle told me I was wrong about something and my dad said “let’s look it up,” and he did and read aloud that I was extremely right and I gotta tell you that’s a top 10 life experience
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Watching banks get bailed out for the second time in my adult life while also preparing to watch the Supreme Court tell us that cancelling a paltry $10k of student loan debt per borrower is "government overreach."
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It is patently obscene that the minimum wage is still $7.25 and has not risen with inflation in the past 30 years, when all basic living costs have far outstripped inflation. An inflation-adjusted minimum wage would be $18.67/hour 🙃🙃🙃
Minimum wage workers cannot afford rent in any U.S. state.
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"Claudia Conway will save us," no bitch she's 15 we have to save HER
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Men think women are overreacting to a culture of sexual assault and harassment and it's like you guys remember how you reacted to the female Ghostbusters right?
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Sometimes I think about how in HS English class we had to perform a soliloquy from The Merchant of Venice and a varsity soccer guy out of the blue gave one of the most stirring performances I’ve ever seen and he never acted before or again and now he just works in finance
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Women's dating advice: Go to therapy. Go to the gym. Fix your problems. Fix your self-esteem. Learn a new skill. Devote countless hours to becoming the best version of you. No one can love you if you don't love yourself.
Men's dating advice: You were born so you deserve a woman
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People are really out there arguing that you shouldn't be able to pay rent and support yourself on a minimum wage job lol okay like what the fuck are jobs for then
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The only people who use twitter correctly are Dionne Warwick, Lil Nas X, and that elderly British man who grows large vegetables
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Having a cigarette when you're drunk is one of life's greatest pleasures and if you're one of those nightmare people who tries to scold your friends out of it I assume you're voting for Bloomberg
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Okay but hear me out: what if we nominated more than one woman at a time for Best Director
Barbie is great but Justine Triet deserved that nomination more than Greta Gerwig
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Natalie Portman's entire childhood and adolescence seems like it was an unrelenting parade of much, much older men sexualizing her and the fact that she is relatively well-adjusted is a miracle of modern science like babe who is your therapist
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Pretty annoying that we have to continue living under the legal constraints created by the Founding Fathers, a bunch of drunk slave owners with Gonorrhea who didn’t have electricity or know dinosaurs existed
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My dad is drinking a to-go cup of clam chowder while driving like it’s a latte I am horrified and folks I’m back in Massachusetts
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Every time I go to the vet they say “That will be $400,” and I say okay I will bankrupt myself again for my perfect small cat
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Every time I see a girl in her early 20's cry over a guy who is older and exponentially worse looking than her and probably doesn't own bedsheets who won't commit I'm like wow straight women need to unionize and demand better conditions
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A 22-year old who sublet a room in our apartment last summer is now a viral TikTok star because she is hot and I want everyone to know what a bad roommate she was
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It’s weird how we all collectively agree that thousands of jobs *need* to exist for our society to operate with some sense of order, functionality, and enjoyment but we’ve also decided that 98% of those jobs don’t deserve a wage that will allow workers to live comfortably
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Guy who is “gives a woman he doesn’t know a ‘m’lady’ bow” level of drunk is always welcome at the hang
Jason Kelce hugs Taylor Swift, politely shakes hands with Ice Spice
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The girlies HAVE to stop saying “gaslighting” when they just mean “lying”
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Re: the “Teacher shortage”
The oldest route in the Republican playbook is starving a public service/institution of funding and then saying hey look it doesn’t work
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I say this as someone who was raised Catholic, Amy Sherman-Palladino was so weird about sex!! Every time one of the girls on the show had sex for the first time it led to her life absolutely falling apart
the gilmore girls writers having lane get pregnant with twins right after getting married was garbage like she should’ve been at the club
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Ella Emhoff looks like she is about to reject, one-by-one, all of the clothes I brought into Buffalo Exchange
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Nate Silver is a constant reminder of the dangers of telling a man he is good at something even once
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I want to kill the idea that struggling financially in a creative industry helps you create great art or is in some way "good for you". It's a lie rich people extol to console themselves. The amount of headspace financial anxiety occupies leaves so little room for anything else.
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I know Massachusetts isn't sexy because it's a *safe blue state* but everyone on the Left should be concerned about the possibility of the Senate author of the Green New Deal losing his seat to a Kennedy who has millions of dollars of stock holdings in fossil fuel corporations
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Such a funny coincidence that every "old soul" apparently resides in a hot 23-year-old girl's body
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Any updates on how he feels about the time he dated a 17 year old when he was 38
Jerry Seinfeld has finally admitted there was an “uncomfortable subtle sexual aspect” to his 2007 bee movie
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Joaquin actually stole this line from my eating disorder
Joaquin Phoenix found losing weight for
#Joker
"empowering, because you’re able to control yourself in that way." Read what he had to say about transforming into the character:
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Every woman you know is fighting a lifelong battle against a single chin hair
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30 Rock unfortunately predicted every legislative campaign in Florida
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“How could this happen when the majority of Americans support abortion?” Because the majority of the Supreme Court was appointed by presidents who lost the popular vote.
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I had pretty progressive sex education but considering we didn't learn about the clit at all I feel like we learned about boys' wet dreams like WAY more than we needed to
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Dianne Feinstein has missed 58 Senate votes in the last month because of illness/being 89 years old. Biden can't confirm any federal judges without all Dems present on the Judiciary Committee. She's given no indication of a return date.
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Ultimately women just want to be treated with the same respect you would show a dead rapper who assaulted his pregnant girlfriend
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I feel like accusing another member of Congress of being a terrorist because of her ethnicity should actually be the thing that gets you censured
Rashida Tlaib has alleged ties to Hamas.
Based on these allegations, it’s sadly not surprising she’s calling for a genocide against the Jewish people.
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Andrew Yang wants to dismantle what little social safety net we have and replace it with a Libertarian version of UBI, corporate incentives, & charter schools and I've never seen a politician whose supporters have such a massive misunderstanding of what their candidate believes
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Has anyone participating in the resurgence of Y2K fashion considered that absolutely all of it is ugly
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The US just killed the second most important person in Iran without authorization and over 200 Republican members of congress signed an amicus brief asking the Supreme Court to overturn Roe vs. Wade happy second day of 2020 everybody.
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So many men who got rejected in high school become mass shooters or get women doxxed as revenge meanwhile women who weren't asked to prom just sort of have very strong opinions about which is the best screen adaptation of Pride and Prejudice
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Edgy comedy is so cool you just state an opinion the ruling class had in 1954
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Colin Jost is dating Scarlett Johansson and Pete Davidson is dating Ariana Grande and every female comedian is like, "I wonder if I can get this pile of sweatshirts to commit to me."
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Polygamy with one wife and a ton of husbands should really be a more attractive concept to guys. You have a few days with your wife and the rest of the time you’re just hanging with the freakin’ boys
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My addition to the Teenage Girls/Young Women Ruined by the Early Aughts Media discourse is that Lindsay Lohan was a really talented young actor and single-handedly carried so many hit movies before she turned 21
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Do you ever think about how crazy it is that the plot catalyst of Juno, a mumblecore indie movie that was at the time considered “for hipsters”, is that the titular character is successfully convinced not to have an abortion by a clinic protester.
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Explaining to people who live outside of NYC who reached out to me today that police are literally omnipresent here and yet they mostly just stand around on their phones unless they're trying to catch someone jumping a turnstile sounds so insane to say out-loud but it's reality
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I'm religious but NOT spiritual I just love rules and being afraid of sex
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One of the faulty pillars of GirlBoss feminism is “A man would never say this so neither should you.” It would actually be great if men started saying things like “no worries if not,” “sorry,” or prefacing an opinion with “I think,” b/c they have a rightful place in communication
Can female creatives please remove the phrase "no worries if not" from their vocabularies please. About 90% of emails/DMs I get from female directors/writers include this phrase. A man has NEVER said this to me. Who taught us this? We must stop apologising for taking up space.
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JK Rowling was one of the most beloved authors of the century and even de-billionaired herself by giving so much money to charity can you possibly imagine burning down all that goodwill just to die on the hill of transphobia
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Scarlett Johansson you can't be playing non-white roles AND be dating Colin Jost AND defend Woody Allen you gotta pick one
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Everyone is like "Give Greta Thurnberg the Nobel Peace Prize!" but idk it seems like she would settle for an earth that doesn't burst into flames when she turns 40
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This is a very good joke while also being simultaneously a beautiful sentiment. 10/10
Roommates Who Can't Afford to Live Alone Accidentally Growing Old Together:
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I think "The library should have an indoor playground" discourse shows that Americans have become so unfamiliar with the idea of well-funded free public spaces in our communities that we can't even conceive of the idea of a local Rec Center anymore.
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Do you guys ever think about how Evangelicals supported abortion until the late 1970’s when a group of Evangelical leaders wanted to keep segregating religious schools so they decided to make abortion the galvanizing issue to get their congregations to vote for conservatives?
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It seems like (mostly White) men in this country are so profoundly unaccustomed to feeling unsafe that they can't (or rather won't) distinguish that from actually *being* unsafe. If women resorted to vigilante violence every time we simply *felt* unsafe hooo boy.
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I will never forget Bernie honoring our middle class New England tradition of having exactly one heavy winter coat, worn to both formal and casual events
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I actually have a pug husband (inadequate lungs, prone to night terrors, God’s mistake)
This is what ALL women (who aren't on birth control) want
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My class issues probably started when I was a kid and a girl in my grade was telling a story in which her mom was at Macy's so I asked if she worked there and she said, "No she was shopping; my mom doesn't have to work. Does your mom?" and I was like, "Yeah she works at Macy's."
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Really miss looking around Anthropologie for 90 minutes, touching everything, and buying nothing
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Me and my friends would kill this guy with hammers I can tell you that much
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Jerry Seinfeld is on the New Yorker Radio Hour blaming "the extreme left" & "PC crap" for why there are no sitcoms anymore. Not streamers or any systemic reasons that we *just* saw at play with the WGA strike. Just "The wokes won't let us make comedy anymore." Absolute brain rot.
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Joe Biden saying that Mike Pence is "a decent guy" reminds me of every time I have told a dude that a mutual male acquaintance was a monster towards women and the guy would be like, "I don't know, he's always been cool to me."
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I'm a simple girl: I long to see the quick and painful death of AirBnb
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Cops aren’t supposed to kill you on site even if you’re guilty of a heinous crime which we know from decades of seeing every white mass shooter get an escort to the police vehicle very much alive
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Every time I try to get a clear mental image of what my ideal interior design would be I'm like oh it's just the house from Knives Out
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I know the popular Hot Woman aesthetic right now is "sexy little girl" but can I interest you in Very Tall Horse Girl Who Wants To Talk About Gerrymandering
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This just…isn’t true imo. Both of my parents worked full time and neither of them can cook I literally learned by watching Barefoot Contessa every day after school. And a lot of kids have to learn how to cook out of necessity *because* their caregivers aren’t around. C’mon.
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"Go to therapy," is a really facile directive considering the financial burdens of therapy but also the abundance of bad, yes-man therapists out there. Consider the fact that Woody Allen has been in therapy for most of his life.
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Fran Lebowitz is the ultimate baby boomer: she wrote exactly two books 40 years ago, coasted on them for the rest of her life to a level of financial security most of us only dream of without ever doing anything else, and still somehow spends 100% of her time complaining
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Now that she is my Senator I finally feel even more emboldened to say: RESIGN. Do you know how many lifetime-appointed judges Trump was able to push through (like the one who just invalidated the FDA approval of mifepristone)? This is an emergency.
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I only found out about this story because the woman killed, Aisha Fraser, was my roommate's 6th grade teacher. She was 45 years old.
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