Jim Norton
@JimNorton
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520,463
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John Wayne Gacy's basement.
Joined January 2009
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Will Smith attacked Chris Rock and then helped us all heal by explaining how tough God’s plan for him is.
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The
@latimes
is garbage.
“The last thing anyone needed was for the smirking master of ceremonies to reprimand them for having hope..”
@rickygervais
didn’t “reprimand them for having hope” you stupid, biased ass. He mocked them for being self-important, phony woke and hypocritical
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RIP Bob Saget. Everything I start to write about him just feels inadequate. He is universally loved. I am so grateful he was my friend.
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Mike Tyson handled an unruly passenger on a plane the way every unruly passenger should be handled on a plane.
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.
@TulsiGabbard
served in Congress, did two tours of duty in the military and is the first female combat veteran to run for president. Typical Russian.
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Just because you put the word “joke” in quotes doesn’t mean a comedian wasn’t joking. Jokes that upset you are not suddenly classified as serious statements just because they upset you. Why is a culture that lines up to watch a clown murder children so polarized over humor?
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I will accept Will Smith slapping Chris Rock for a joke if the rest of us are allowed to slap actors for boring political speeches.
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I hear
@StormyDaniels
is doing porn again. Say what you want about
@realDonaldTrump
, but he gets people back to work.
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We don't have to encourage every celebrity who gives a good speech to run for president.
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Kris Jenner claims she never knew Bruce was 'uncomfortable' having sex with her, and thought he was kidding when he loudly booed her vagina.
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At this point, Will Smith being a cuck is the only thing I truly respect about him.
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Ted Bundy originally wanted to be either a politician or a lawyer. He ultimately rejected those professions and chose a more honorable path.
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If Trump wants to avoid going to jail in NY, he should just hit a stranger over the head with a hammer. He’ll be out in 2 hours.
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RIP Robert Durst. Everything I start to write about him just feels inadequate. He is universally loved. I am so grateful he was my friend.
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When you wash your hands, remember to sing Happy Birthday twice. Or once if you sing it like Marilyn Monroe.
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10 minutes ago, I was standing in my kitchen eating grapes. In an effort to be cute, I attempted to squeeze out a little gas. As fate would have it, I shit my pants. True story. Keep it between us.
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Watching all those celebrities sing Imagine got me really choked up. I hung myself.
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Hotel managers from all over the country will be going to Gilbert’s funeral with the hopes of getting their soaps and shampoos back.
RIP Gilbert, you were loved by every comic.
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How about you just do the right thing and worry about the cost after. You know, like the responders did on 9/11.
Not blocking the 9/11 bill - simply asking for a vote on an amendment to offset the cost.
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Daenerys never would have been able to do that with her dragon if a law abiding citizen with their own dragon was there to stop her.
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A billionaire diamond trader died during penis enlargement surgery. I think he missed the point of being a billionaire.
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The best part of being alive today is that jokes are automatically taken as definitive lines in the sand and ideological exclamation points. I really respect people who purposefully ignore humorous intent and context just to springboard themselves into boring rants and monologues
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If the courts really wanted to punish
@CountDankulaTV
, they'd book his dog on a
@United
flight.
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Hey
@spotify
you can have either me or
@Neilyoung
. You can’t have both. i’ll expect a decision tonight
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Of course people can criticize jokes they don't like. What bothers me is their denial of how much they enjoy seeing someone ruined, how much they enjoy taking part in the public execution. They cloak themselves in compassion and altruism, then relish in cutting someone's throat.
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Instead of infringing on the the rights of gun owners, maybe the rest of us could just walk around wearing giant metal suits with bulletproof glass helmets.
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I was with a woman once who told me i had a donkey dick, but it was because of the smell.
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If you’re a person who watches videos on an airplane without using headphones, you’re a cunt.
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Going through old photos and I found this delightful photo I took of Patrice in Oct 2008. It’s sums up our friendship nicely.
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I wouldn't vote for Lauren Boebert but I'd be happy to take her to a musical.
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If our national security can be compromised by documents from 1963, then our national security is shit.
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I don’t know why everyone is talking about Batman when the real heroes are the moms and dads out there.
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I'm glad I watched Mayweather / Pacquiao because it reminded me of how much I'd rather be watching the UFC.
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I’m glad someone finally pointed out that Eminem is white. It’s gone unnoticed for too long.
#ripnickcannon
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I wish people were this angry when Jack Daniels or Bud Light caused someone to plow their car into a family using a crosswalk.
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The way people are reacting, you'd think Milo came out in support of Roman Polanski or something.
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Ohio lawmaker Candice Keller blames mass shootings on open borders, gay marriage, Obama, recreational marijuana, video games, hatred of veterans and 'drag queen advocates'. She simply hasn't been the same since her head came apart in Total Recall.
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I refuse to weigh in on the Rittenhouse verdict until I see what Harry and Meghan have to say about it.
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If you attempt to climb the Statue of Liberty and don’t make it past her feet, you suck at climbing the Statue of Liberty.
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March 15, 2000. I don't remember what Patrice was saying here, but I doubt it was anything positive about my outfit. I can't believe he's been gone for 9 years already.
@BIGMOMMAPRODS
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RIP to the hilarious Mike Hagerty. I was blessed to do 13 episodes of Lucky Louie with him. A truly great comic actor.
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Diddy has changed his name again and will now only be known as Love or Brother Love. I was worried it would be something stupid.
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Personally, I don’t mind having a president who eats McDonald’s, avoids exercise and fucks porn stars. That’s been my dream since I was a kid.
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The
@washingtonpost
on April 30, 1945:
Adolph Hitler, Opinionated Painter, Dies in Berlin Surrounded by Loved Ones
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I saw a little girl crying today and I said, “Why are you crying?”
She said,“Becauth war broke out and I’m thcaird”
I said, “I’m scared too”, and we cried together.
Soon, many others cried with us. We cried until we healed.
Please RT so we can all begin to heal. Together.
#Me
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Thanks
@joerogan
for a great time and an amazing conversation. JRE 2086 now up on
@spotifypodcasts
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One of the funniest, ballsiest comics of all time. RIP Don Rickles.
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A tragedy occurs and we handle it by screaming at each other on Facebook and Twitter. We are truly a nation of asses.
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For anybody out there who thinks I’m a dick - I was on the plane and a woman walking back to economy smiled at me. Instead of having her thrown off the plane, I smiled back.
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For 10 years,
@AnthonyCumia
has made me laugh harder than anyone alive. No one has silenced me, I just have no idea what happens next.
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At the doctor’s office and the desk has been moved. I smiled and proclaimed, “I don’t know how I feel about this new setup”. Silence. Not even a polite smile. A monumental bomb.
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Johnny Depp is accusing Amber Heard of shitting in their bed after an argument. There's nothing I love more than a woman who knows how to make up after a fight.
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I am keeping an eye on this Ukraine situation. I suspect Putin is somehow involved.
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Had a great time in Vegas talking fights with Matt Serra and President Trump on
@UfcUnfiltered
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Today is Jan 6th. Please don’t forget to be overly dramatic.
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I hope surgical masks will show people with bad breath what they‘ve been putting the rest of us through.
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How annoying would it be if you were in a gang and this is the guy you had to take orders from?
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Right now Bill and Melania are 69ing behind the Craft service table.
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Bad news is George Romero died. Good news is he probably won't stay dead for long.
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Every jacket you wear is a bomber jacket.
Hey
@JimNorton
please stop wearing your bomber jacket. I was wearing mine last night and a drug dealer down the block from the cellar mistook me for you. It made me unhappy.
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So far I'd say Americans are handling the election results pretty well. I just wish someone would post a passionate, melodramatic statement.
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RIP Alex Trebek. You were a daily reminder that I dropped out of high school.
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Kim Jong Un is reported to be in “grave danger” after surgery. Which means that somewhere in North Korea, a team of doctors is shitting themselves.
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The fact
@CNN
has a split camera on the prosecutor and the crowd shows they are DYING for a riot.
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If you disrupt a play, or any live performance, because you dislike the message, you're a cunt.
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January 25, 1982. A little over 38 years ago,
@OzzyOsbourne
and I crossed paths for the first time. Sort of.
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A nurse and her doddering hospice patient. My wife (msNikkiNorton on IG) and I in Cleveland.
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There’s been a lot of talk lately about mask mandates and whether or not they should be lifted. Just my two cents.
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I used this as my 1st headshot, 1990. (Ignore the pit stains, pants and size 4 lady shoes.)
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Just boarded my flight and watched a woman throw her winter coat into an empty overhead compartment and then close it. A display of narcissism so staggering is almost admirable.
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Any word on the JFK files being released? I still think it was a suicide.
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The coronavirus has everyone rethinking our daily habits. I never realized how often I lick elevator buttons until I tried to quit.
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Arresting
@StormyDaniels
for slapping a customer’s face with her breasts is like arresting an outfielder for tossing a foul ball into the stands.
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Everyone is attacking Jason Spencer. Let he who has never dropped his pants, screamed the N word and bitten the tip off a kielbasa penis cast the first stone.
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Cauliflower-headed fungus monsters are attacking everyone and people point out how it’s not ‘scientifically possible’ for gas to remain usable for 20 years.
#TheLastOfUs
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Happy 2018 everyone! 2017 will forever be remembered as they year Americans finally put down our political differences and came together.
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Just a couple of men on a terrace enjoying a dreamy yellowish background. I had such a great time eating sushi and laughing with one of the funniest people who ever lived. I will never not love Ant.
Me and my bestest pal
@JimNorton
Great time hanging out as always.
So happy to have him as a friend.
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Pat from Moonachie was a legend and responsible for iconically funny moments on the show. Pat was funny in the purest sense of the word. He always went for the laugh, every time in every situation. RIP to one of the greats.
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Or I could just use the First Amendment and talk about it.
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Everyone:
“We need to have an open and honest conversation”
Everyone 5 minutes later:
“FUCK YOU I’M RIGHT!!”
Everyone 5 minutes after that:
“How come no one listens to each other any more?”
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I'm a "shitty racist" because I disagree the blinding narcissism of people who heckle when they disagree with a joke. Great point!
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The best part of
@elonmusk
taking over Twitter is watching celebrities make it about themselves under the guise of being concerned about other people.
#MeMeMe
#MakeASpeech
#MeMeMe
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You look great man. Happy you’re back
Great to be home! 7 months 14 days sober but one day at a time. Lots of new stories to tell. Will announce some new tour dates on Friday. Thanks for the support. Love you all.
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