Jim Norton
@JimNorton
Followers
518K
Following
7K
Media
3K
Statuses
23K
https://t.co/4EJ6oGdFls or for TICKETS click https://t.co/yKiqjonV2d
Joined January 2009
MY NEW PODCAST Episode 1 audio at Midnight, video at 7am.New episodes every Wednesday
152
116
1K
Will Smith attacked Chris Rock and then helped us all heal by explaining how tough God’s plan for him is.
2K
4K
51K
The @latimes is garbage. “The last thing anyone needed was for the smirking master of ceremonies to reprimand them for having hope. ”@rickygervais didn’t “reprimand them for having hope” you stupid, biased ass. He mocked them for being self-important, phony woke and hypocritical.
470
5K
39K
RIP Bob Saget. Everything I start to write about him just feels inadequate. He is universally loved. I am so grateful he was my friend.
175
714
23K
Mike Tyson handled an unruly passenger on a plane the way every unruly passenger should be handled on a plane.
226
1K
24K
.@TulsiGabbard served in Congress, did two tours of duty in the military and is the first female combat veteran to run for president. Typical Russian.
366
2K
17K
Just because you put the word “joke” in quotes doesn’t mean a comedian wasn’t joking. Jokes that upset you are not suddenly classified as serious statements just because they upset you. Why is a culture that lines up to watch a clown murder children so polarized over humor?.
397
3K
17K
I will accept Will Smith slapping Chris Rock for a joke if the rest of us are allowed to slap actors for boring political speeches.
207
1K
17K
I wish people would leave Karen Bass alone, she's doing a great job - The Fire.
459
1K
16K
I hear @StormyDaniels is doing porn again. Say what you want about @realDonaldTrump, but he gets people back to work.
506
2K
9K
We don't have to encourage every celebrity who gives a good speech to run for president.
322
2K
7K
Kris Jenner claims she never knew Bruce was 'uncomfortable' having sex with her, and thought he was kidding when he loudly booed her vagina.
308
5K
7K
At this point, Will Smith being a cuck is the only thing I truly respect about him.
167
572
7K
Ted Bundy originally wanted to be either a politician or a lawyer. He ultimately rejected those professions and chose a more honorable path.
198
1K
7K
If Trump wants to avoid going to jail in NY, he should just hit a stranger over the head with a hammer. He’ll be out in 2 hours.
134
860
7K
Just a quick reminder to please make everything about politics. Nothing else matters. Experiences with your friends should account for nothing, the only factor to consider is who they voted for. Remember - YOU see things clearly and they are ill-informed and stupid.
353
801
7K
RIP Robert Durst. Everything I start to write about him just feels inadequate. He is universally loved. I am so grateful he was my friend.
254
204
6K
When you wash your hands, remember to sing Happy Birthday twice. Or once if you sing it like Marilyn Monroe.
76
544
5K
10 minutes ago, I was standing in my kitchen eating grapes. In an effort to be cute, I attempted to squeeze out a little gas. As fate would have it, I shit my pants. True story. Keep it between us.
244
191
5K
Watching all those celebrities sing Imagine got me really choked up. I hung myself.
133
409
5K
Hotel managers from all over the country will be going to Gilbert’s funeral with the hopes of getting their soaps and shampoos back. RIP Gilbert, you were loved by every comic.
58
257
5K
How about you just do the right thing and worry about the cost after. You know, like the responders did on 9/11.
Not blocking the 9/11 bill - simply asking for a vote on an amendment to offset the cost.
78
709
4K
Daenerys never would have been able to do that with her dragon if a law abiding citizen with their own dragon was there to stop her.
128
724
4K
A billionaire diamond trader died during penis enlargement surgery. I think he missed the point of being a billionaire.
129
476
4K
The best part of being alive today is that jokes are automatically taken as definitive lines in the sand and ideological exclamation points. I really respect people who purposefully ignore humorous intent and context just to springboard themselves into boring rants and monologues.
160
852
4K
If the courts really wanted to punish @CountDankulaTV, they'd book his dog on a @United flight.
61
735
4K
Hey @spotify you can have either me or @Neilyoung. You can’t have both. i’ll expect a decision tonight.
125
160
4K
Of course people can criticize jokes they don't like. What bothers me is their denial of how much they enjoy seeing someone ruined, how much they enjoy taking part in the public execution. They cloak themselves in compassion and altruism, then relish in cutting someone's throat.
164
646
4K
I was talking to my friend about today's verdict, and he thinks there's going to be a lot of people with different opinions. We talked about the evidence and stuff like that. #Trump.
119
33
3K
Instead of infringing on the the rights of gun owners, maybe the rest of us could just walk around wearing giant metal suits with bulletproof glass helmets.
244
707
4K
I was with a woman once who told me i had a donkey dick, but it was because of the smell.
171
245
4K
If you’re a person who watches videos on an airplane without using headphones, you’re a cunt.
142
345
4K
Going through old photos and I found this delightful photo I took of Patrice in Oct 2008. It’s sums up our friendship nicely.
124
149
4K
I wouldn't vote for Lauren Boebert but I'd be happy to take her to a musical.
115
221
4K
If our national security can be compromised by documents from 1963, then our national security is shit.
107
751
3K
I don’t know why everyone is talking about Batman when the real heroes are the moms and dads out there.
214
235
4K
I'm glad I watched Mayweather / Pacquiao because it reminded me of how much I'd rather be watching the UFC.
96
2K
3K
I’m glad someone finally pointed out that Eminem is white. It’s gone unnoticed for too long. #ripnickcannon.
95
410
3K
Jim Norton's morning routine. Healthy habits can be difficult to establish. I hope this helps
218
254
4K
I wish people were this angry when Jack Daniels or Bud Light caused someone to plow their car into a family using a crosswalk.
224
434
3K
The way people are reacting, you'd think Milo came out in support of Roman Polanski or something.
165
1K
3K
Ohio lawmaker Candice Keller blames mass shootings on open borders, gay marriage, Obama, recreational marijuana, video games, hatred of veterans and 'drag queen advocates'. She simply hasn't been the same since her head came apart in Total Recall.
205
407
3K
I refuse to weigh in on the Rittenhouse verdict until I see what Harry and Meghan have to say about it.
84
272
3K
If you attempt to climb the Statue of Liberty and don’t make it past her feet, you suck at climbing the Statue of Liberty.
117
443
3K
March 15, 2000. I don't remember what Patrice was saying here, but I doubt it was anything positive about my outfit. I can't believe he's been gone for 9 years already. @BIGMOMMAPRODS
181
213
3K
RIP to the hilarious Mike Hagerty. I was blessed to do 13 episodes of Lucky Louie with him. A truly great comic actor.
81
127
3K
Diddy has changed his name again and will now only be known as Love or Brother Love. I was worried it would be something stupid.
129
451
3K
Personally, I don’t mind having a president who eats McDonald’s, avoids exercise and fucks porn stars. That’s been my dream since I was a kid.
104
533
3K
The @washingtonpost on April 30, 1945:.Adolph Hitler, Opinionated Painter, Dies in Berlin Surrounded by Loved Ones
81
583
3K
I saw a little girl crying today and I said, “Why are you crying?”.She said,“Becauth war broke out and I’m thcaird”.I said, “I’m scared too”, and we cried together. Soon, many others cried with us. We cried until we healed. Please RT so we can all begin to heal. Together. #Me.
231
424
3K
Thanks @joerogan for a great time and an amazing conversation. JRE 2086 now up on @spotifypodcasts
160
122
3K
One of the funniest, ballsiest comics of all time. RIP Don Rickles.
138
501
3K
A tragedy occurs and we handle it by screaming at each other on Facebook and Twitter. We are truly a nation of asses.
97
1K
3K
For anybody out there who thinks I’m a dick - I was on the plane and a woman walking back to economy smiled at me. Instead of having her thrown off the plane, I smiled back.
148
209
3K
For 10 years, @AnthonyCumia has made me laugh harder than anyone alive. No one has silenced me, I just have no idea what happens next.
530
2K
3K
At the doctor’s office and the desk has been moved. I smiled and proclaimed, “I don’t know how I feel about this new setup”. Silence. Not even a polite smile. A monumental bomb.
135
95
3K
Johnny Depp is accusing Amber Heard of shitting in their bed after an argument. There's nothing I love more than a woman who knows how to make up after a fight.
102
281
3K
I am keeping an eye on this Ukraine situation. I suspect Putin is somehow involved.
119
170
3K
Had a great time in Vegas talking fights with Matt Serra and President Trump on @UfcUnfiltered.
249
241
3K
Today is Jan 6th. Please don’t forget to be overly dramatic.
143
263
3K
I hope surgical masks will show people with bad breath what they‘ve been putting the rest of us through.
108
400
3K
How annoying would it be if you were in a gang and this is the guy you had to take orders from?
195
265
3K
Right now Bill and Melania are 69ing behind the Craft service table.
63
1K
2K
Just a reminder - if you want to show everyone how great you're doing, make sure to respond to every negative comment on social media and tell them how great you're doing.
218
110
3K
Bad news is George Romero died. Good news is he probably won't stay dead for long.
42
807
2K
Every jacket you wear is a bomber jacket.
Hey @JimNorton please stop wearing your bomber jacket. I was wearing mine last night and a drug dealer down the block from the cellar mistook me for you. It made me unhappy.
70
93
2K
So far I'd say Americans are handling the election results pretty well. I just wish someone would post a passionate, melodramatic statement.
75
993
2K
RIP Alex Trebek. You were a daily reminder that I dropped out of high school.
33
117
2K
Kim Jong Un is reported to be in “grave danger” after surgery. Which means that somewhere in North Korea, a team of doctors is shitting themselves.
96
302
2K
The fact @CNN has a split camera on the prosecutor and the crowd shows they are DYING for a riot.
118
2K
2K
January 25, 1982. A little over 38 years ago, @OzzyOsbourne and I crossed paths for the first time. Sort of.
174
128
2K
If you disrupt a play, or any live performance, because you dislike the message, you're a cunt.
86
322
2K
I don't want Joe Biden to be my president but I do wish he was my father.
166
150
3K
A nurse and her doddering hospice patient. My wife (msNikkiNorton on IG) and I in Cleveland.
568
47
2K
There’s been a lot of talk lately about mask mandates and whether or not they should be lifted. Just my two cents.
183
81
2K
I used this as my 1st headshot, 1990. (Ignore the pit stains, pants and size 4 lady shoes.)
299
52
2K
Just boarded my flight and watched a woman throw her winter coat into an empty overhead compartment and then close it. A display of narcissism so staggering is almost admirable.
74
213
2K
Any word on the JFK files being released? I still think it was a suicide.
127
323
2K
The coronavirus has everyone rethinking our daily habits. I never realized how often I lick elevator buttons until I tried to quit.
44
285
2K
Arresting @StormyDaniels for slapping a customer’s face with her breasts is like arresting an outfielder for tossing a foul ball into the stands.
66
351
2K
Everyone is attacking Jason Spencer. Let he who has never dropped his pants, screamed the N word and bitten the tip off a kielbasa penis cast the first stone.
93
270
2K
Cauliflower-headed fungus monsters are attacking everyone and people point out how it’s not ‘scientifically possible’ for gas to remain usable for 20 years. #TheLastOfUs
126
73
2K
Happy 2018 everyone! 2017 will forever be remembered as they year Americans finally put down our political differences and came together.
78
377
2K
Just a couple of men on a terrace enjoying a dreamy yellowish background. I had such a great time eating sushi and laughing with one of the funniest people who ever lived. I will never not love Ant.
Me and my bestest pal @JimNorton .Great time hanging out as always. So happy to have him as a friend.
181
77
2K
This is a crazy New York story. This could only happen on St. Patrick's Day in New York and YES it is a true story ☘️
504
137
2K
Pat from Moonachie was a legend and responsible for iconically funny moments on the show. Pat was funny in the purest sense of the word. He always went for the laugh, every time in every situation. RIP to one of the greats.
99
183
2K