Jenerally feckless.
@Jenn7_4
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Ooh, Twitter, you are awful! But I like you.
London, England
Joined January 2020
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Pinned Tweet
Letterbox was up when we got in, I shut it, Atticus asked why. I said "so the draught won't get in"
He was quiet for a bit, thinking, then he said "Mum, a giraffe wouldn't fit through the letterbox"
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5 and a half grand in Primark?? Did she buy the company?
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Ex is drunk and being a cock again. Bothering me with texts. So I walked into the pub he's in, ordered a pint, tipped it over his head, and left. Fuck him.
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@peterstopcrime
@dmisstify1
Why don't you sit in a motor, wearing a fur coat, in full sun for fifteen minutes when it's 31 degrees outside, then we'll see if there's an issue with it, won't we? And I hope nobody breaks the window because you'll start crying about it 🙄
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One of the neighbours has left their car window open and it's pissing down. I would knock and tell him but he parked in my space and when I put a polite note on saying I'm disabled he pass agg tore it up and threw it outside my house. So fuck him. Wet arse 😆
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@peterstopcrime
@dmisstify1
Because nobody is interested in your bullshit, Peter. The dog would have died. If it wasn't an emergency the police wouldn't have smashed the window.
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My Dad just called. His oncologist said last two scans were completely clear and he doesn't need immunotherapy now! They're monitoring, he might need it again later on but for now he's cancer free! This time last year they said he only had a couple of months to live.
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Man in front of me in home bargains bought laxatives, energy drinks and lube. Have a good weekend, mate.
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State of them. A visual representation of the sex offenders register.
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You know my Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer? Well, he's had another scan, the immunotherapy has cleared everything except 2 miniscule dots & the oncologist isn't even sure they are cancer!! I'm so relieved. He's got one more treatment, then another scan. Fingers crossed!
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@kazzydoodah
All my stretchiest clothes are reaching their limit. Because himself was off too, we sort of went into holiday mode. He's back at work now though and I'm determined to lose weight*
*tweeted whilst eating biscuits
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Cheese and coleslaw sandwich. Lovely stuff.
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If Carol Vorderman has any more facelifts she'll be seeing out her nostrils.
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A year this week from when I found my first husband dead in his bed. That was a particularly crap Friday. Even by my standards.
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@giftedrascal
@idlewildgirl
my grandad had a Reader's Digest book of unexplained things and that picture was in there. I've still got the book. I got told off at school cos all my stories ended with the protagonist spontaneously combusting 😂
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@MrPaulBae
@Ivana_Knapp
Very, very few of them admit it. Most act like they've dragged themselves up from the slums and if they can do it, so can everyone else. Think it makes them feel about the grotesque inequality.
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Lads, my dad has beaten cancer. Again. About the tenth time!! What a relief.
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I'm in tier 4 but I think I'm going blind. Going to put the kids in the car and pop up to Barnard castle to check
#PressConference
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Going to the hairdresser's later and I'm already anxious af. Why do they have to talk to me? Just cut my hair in silence and you'll get a larger tip.
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She's gone. Got one last pic before the vet came. She was her own bed and I was stroking her.
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Very much this. I like going out on my own. Perfectly happy in my own company because people are terrible.
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Was looking at campsites. Think I'll give this one a swerve 😂😂😂
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Treated myself to some Daffs today. They're very cheery flowers. Remind me of my Nan, she was Welsh, loved a Daff she did. You had to watch her around other Welsh people though. Take your eyes off them, they've formed a choir.
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Turkey review - I enjoyed it. Beautiful country. But I doubt we'll go back because having to have an argument every time I want to buy something is tedious. Just tell me how much it costs, not what you think you can con me into paying you.
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If you're a woman over 65 you can't go for a walk unless you kidnap a cat.
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Reached something down for an old dear in the supermarket today, her hands were icy cold when I gave her it, she said "you've got lovely warm hands" so I held both her hands between mine to warm hers up and she said "I can't remember the last time someone held my hand" 😭
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Top tip for men on Twitter, if you think you should 'helpfully' reply with an 'interesting' insight or worse to 'correct' her tweet, to a lady (particularly one that doesn't follow you) consider setting fire to your face instead. Thanking you muchly, ladies of Twitter.
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Feeling a bit shit. Today is the six year anniversary of my best friend dying. She was beautiful. I still love her. Raising a glass to the good times, there were lots.
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Manchester is a lot nicer than I was expecting it to be. Love the trams, much better than the tube. We've had a lovely weekend, off to get the train home in a bit. Just finishing my pint of wobbly Bob.
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Got another one* right! I'm on a roll.
*ridiculously easy one
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There's a homeless lad up the town, sleeping outside in this. He had several cups from Gregg's and Costa around him so people are buying him hot drinks. I gave him some cash. Can't stop thinking about him. He's somebody's son.
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@superashbro86
@joeheenan
Also flew business class and stuck the kids in the cheap seats on the same flight. Horrible woman.
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Aldi had all the Christmas chocolate reduced to nineteen pence. How am I meant to diet under these conditions?
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God, no. He's my husband. I'm not going anywhere near him.
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I fell over looking at this.
“So, I have always wanted to be put into a medically induced coma.”
Architect: “Say no more”
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@GlitterMagpie_
I had to buy a different one because their regular one was sold out. They all just stare at me like I've insulted their nan when I feed them now. Tough. Eat it or don't, I'm not buying anymore until it's gone.
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Jesus Christ. If you can't tell the difference between CUT daffodils, with no bulbs and spring onions you deserve to be poisoned. Theres too much stupid walking around taking up space.
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Nine years today. First time I've done the anniversary sober. Still love her.
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I bought a new coat, smart wool one, dark grey. I look like a fucking SS officer.
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I no longer want a monkey. They seem a bit stabby.
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I'm too old for this. But everyone my age was scared by that picture of that old dear's leg, after she spontaneously combusted.
What did you see on the internet as a child that scared you for life?
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Does anyone know if the sea is open in Kent tomorrow? Don't want to lug all the buckets and spades about for nothing.
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Look what's arrived just in time for me to go and vote 😁
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Stuart the hamster has padded across the rainbow bridge. 20 is crying. He was well over 3 years old though, good age for a hamster. RIP Stuart.
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Fred West made lovely patios and Harold Shipman had a great bedside manner. Still murderers.
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The 70s were terrifying.
Pontins Prestatyn, 1978.
Submitted by Jenny Berrisford.
Jenny "My big sister Mary makes some 'friends' on holiday at Pontins Prestatyn, 1978".
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@Nigellas_Knicks
@Ant_Taylor3
@mrnickharvey
@JeremyVineOn5
The school sent a letter saying my 10 yr old was overweight. She wasn't. She started her periods aged 9, she had breasts and hips, obviously the weighed more than her skinny straight up & down mates, she had a figure and was a 3-4 inches taller. She was size 10, that's not fat.
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Babygirl walked home from school again. That's HUGE for her. She doesn't leave the house without me or her Dad or Nan usually. So proud of her, pushing herself out her comfort zone. Anxiety can be debilitating.
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Reluctantly debating the dating sites again. It's so depressing though. Full of desperate divorcees and wrong-uns and actually it's ok I've already talked myself out of it.
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I reckon it was jumping off a cliff.
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Yes mate. Of course she did. She got those genital warts from a toilet seat and the clap from trying on a swimsuit 😭
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Raging. My fucking selfish prick brother has been shouting at mother. Just called me to pick her up and she's crying. She doesn't want me to say anything to him. I want to go round there and punch the fucking arsehole in the face.
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Oh yeah. Forgot to tell you all, the histology showed the huge lump was benign. I don't think I told anyone it was potentially cancerous because I was ignoring it. But it's not. So Hurrah!
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Here's a novel idea, why not ask an actual disabled/chronically ill person? Because this silly bitch obviously hasn't got a clue about it. Be a different story if she was in constant pain, exhausted, confused, depressed and anxious. Vile stupid cow.
Congratulations
@bbcquestiontime
and
@MentornMedia
you have probably increased negative attitudes towards Disabled people on benefits tonight. Unsubstantiated comments from a person here who has never spoken to a disabled person are proof of TV ableism.
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Just had a massive kebab. Because the Dr told me off for being unhealthy. That'll learn her. Judgey bitch.
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22 wanted Chinese rice wine for a recipe she's making but Tesco didn't have any. Can be substituted for sherry. She only needs a tiny bit so unfortunately I'll be forced to drink the remainder. You can always rely on me to pick up the slack, take one for the team etc.
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Not an ounce of brain. Just nothing going on in his head.
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This photo. On the back of the order of service. He was always up for putting a skirt on. Goodnight my love. I'm sorry.
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Did you ever hide Heather's leg, for a laugh?
If you could ask Paul one question, what would it be? 🤔 Reply to this tweet with yours!
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Here she is. The kindest, funniest, sweetest, loveliest bestest friend in the world. I wish I could hug her one last time. And I hate hugs. But she was soft and cuddly and made me feel safe. And she always smelt wonderful.
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Daughter's bf's brother is getting married. She has to wear a sari.
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Somebody left her at 18's work. If nobody claims her, 18 wants to keep her.
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Went for a walk. Our cat was in the field. Totally blanked us. Little furry bastard.
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*shits self*
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Fuck, and I cannot stress this enough, that.
Tower climber Kevin Schmidt shows what it takes to change a lightbulb on the top of a 457 meter high television broadcast antenna over the South Dakota plains
[source and full video: ]
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@cheesecakeOBE
Yep. Exactly what I thought. I mean, I hope the people are ok too but the horses didn't choose to be there.
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Good morning! It's well nice here. Hot already. Soz if you're at work.
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@ChattersMk
@MsAshleyDavies
Why is it so hard to be respectful of other people? Why can't men just keep themselves to themselves? Why does he think his balls are so enormous he can't close his legs? Conundrums for sure.
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Why don't any of you nobs live near me? I've a hankering for an all day power drinking sesh. Very rude of you to live too far from me, tbqhwy.
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Back in the UK. And there are no steps available, somehow, so we're being held hostage on the aeroplane. I want a cigarette. Love coming home to this shithole of an excuse for a country. Poxy fucking pit of a place.
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By some stroke of uncustomary fortuitousness, I picked up a bottle of whisky in Tesco because it was on special. So I'm raising a glass/drowning my feelings/drinking myself into a stupor. Thinking about thirty years ago, when we met. We did have some good times.
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I really wish Jimmy Nail was behind him singing "he's lying". Someone should make that video.
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Can't sleep because I am excited because I'm going to the seaside tomorrow. I am 47.
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21 is 22 tomorrow. Where does the time go? My little mouse, all grown up with a baby of her own. Did I show you Pookie is walking now?
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Put on my Big Coat™ for the first time this winter today. Found forty quid in the pocket. Result.
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@Nigellas_Knicks
@Ant_Taylor3
@mrnickharvey
@JeremyVineOn5
She told her friend she was going to make herself sick to lose weight. Her mate told school, they had social services on to me cos somehow it was my fault they told her she's fat. The cupid stunts.
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