joe heenan
@joeheenan
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Award losing stand up comedian. Co host of Stu & Joe's Big Dumb Film Show. Subscribe here
Joined March 2012
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok
Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
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Can't believe it's been 3 years since I visited the Louvre in Paris.
Can't wait to go traveling again
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Our Easter holiday to Centreparcs has been cancelled so we're recreating it at home by having the kids ride their bikes in the garden while I burn £20 notes
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Danish government: We'll take 20,000 Ukrainian refugees
Polish government: You don't need a passport. Come here for safety & you can even bring your pets
UK government: We lit up some buildings blue & yellow
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During lockdown I wrote a script & sent it to various people.
I have just received this email from someone at Netflix.
Never give up on your dreams
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I saw someone in Tesco buy eggs but they didn't open the box.
Just put it in the trolley & walked on.
Total psychopath
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Top tip.
Don’t throw away your old Christmas cards.
They can be reused throughout the year.
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If you're feeling a bit down cause of self isolation just cut bread into a hand shape and when it pops up in the toaster it feels like someone is giving you a high 5
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Sometimes when I don't know what to do I'll get this out my pocket & pretend it knows the answer.
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
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I love scam phone calls.
I pretend I'm an old Scottish woman desperate to pay them.
My record's an hour.
I pretended to go to the toilet 4 times during that one & spent half an hour reading out my card details incorrectly.
At one point I said my couch was on fire.
Great fun
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Can't believe there's only 17 more Tory Prime Ministers till Christmas
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Piers Morgan says a female tennis player shouldn't play the sport if she can't face difficult questions.
Piers Morgan being asked a difficult question:
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Yeah but the chances of a kid taking a swimming pool to their grandads to drown him in is very slim
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I'm not allowed to see my mum so I'm going to visit Dominic Cummings parents in Durham instead.
Apparently that's fine
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I’m at the Louvre pyramid in Paris.
What an amazing building
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My kids watched Coraline last night so I woke them up looking like this.
They're still crying
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Dear television,
Please stop trying to portray Piers Morgan as a funny grumpy guy with outlandish views.
He’s a cunt who hacked a dead kid’s phone.
Get him to fuck
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After the success of the Willy Wonka experience in Glasgow I'm opening up Jurassic Park Land.
Experience the thrill & excitement of Steven Spielberg's masterpiece for only £35 a ticket
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"We shall fight on the beaches"
Winston Churchill 1940
"Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country"
JFK 1961
"Buy a new kettle"
Boris Johnson 2022
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Seriously Middle Age Love Island.
I would watch the shit out of that.
"Dave is having a full fat can of coke even though its 9pm & it'll keep him up for 5 hours"
"Eve & Paul have started watching a film & it's 10pm!!!!"
"Colin & Graham are having a conversation about lawn mowers"
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"We shall fight on the beaches"
- Churchill
"The lady's not for turning"
- Thatcher
"I was ambushed by a cake!"
- Johnson
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Millions of people struggling to eat but a man sat on a gold throne next to a hat covered in diamonds telling us a government filled with liars & traitors are going to make Britain great again.
Fucking hell.
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BBC news on Nicola Sturgeon:
"She must resign"
"Her situation is untenable"
"She has to go!"
BBC news on Matt Hancock breaking the law:
"Prince Phillip is in hospital"
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There should be a Union flag flown over every food bank to show how great we are.
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It's time to teach boys & girls the guys that kick a ball about a pitch for millions of pounds a year shouldn't be their heroes.
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The Daily Mail currently trying to figure out how this makes Prince Andrew 100% innocent but at the same time totally incriminates Meghan Markle
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Sometimes I’ll stick a couple of Tunnock’s Tea Cake wrappers on the bonnet of my car to trick people into thinking I’m the Emperor of Japan on a state visit
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Mansplaining tennis to someone that won 59 grand slam titles.
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Anyone else think the Tories know they've fucked it so they're trying to make as much money as they can for themselves & their mates before they get kicked out?
I mean it really does feel the U.K is just a closing down sale now.
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
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For lunch I'm having smashed avocado on sourdough bread and a wheatgrass smoothie
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My 4yr old son had a bit of a headache but he hates Calpol so I told him it's invisibility potion that lasts for half an hour.
I'm sat on the couch with him standing in front of me holding a toy as he makes ghost noises.
Only 19 minutes to go
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I'll probably lose a fair few followers for writing this but I think the Conservative government are a bunch of incompetent cunts.
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Boris Johnson standing outside Number 10 applauding the NHS is like Peter Sutcliffe supporting the me too movement
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I hate Escape to the Country
"Cumbert & Yogamat are looking for a 16 bedroom house with 3D cinema, mangrove swamp, quinoa storage silo & a 100 acre paddock for their Shetland Elephants but they only have a budget of 4.6 million"
Fuck off!
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Work for free while a multimillionaire rides past you in a gold coach.
Fuck off
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Not sure about this vaccine.
On one side there's world renowned virologists, medical experts & Noble prize winning scientists saying it's an amazing breakthrough but on the other side Steve from Milton Keynes says he's seen I Am Legend & this is how a zombie apocalypse starts.
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Partying while people died.
Refusing to feed kids.
Siphoning billions to their mates.
Deporting Refugees to Rwanda.
Giving rich people tax breaks.
Crashing the pound.
Lying to the Queen.
Victimising the disabled.
Sturgeon: I detest the Tories
The Tories: How dare she!!
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I was out for a walk & saw the Coronavirus heading towards me but thanks to the new government advice of staying alert I hid behind a tree & it totally missed me.
Thanks Boris
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Justin Bieber looks like the guy who only spins the lassies really fast on the waltzers
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Ate the rest of the wife’s chocolates so I covered my tracks by using brown sauce.
I think I’ll get away with it
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Man who caught Coronavirus in his office says there's little chance of catching Coronavirus in your office
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Greta Thunberg.
A Nobel Peace prize nominee speaking fluently in another language about climate change facts.
Toby Young.
A useless cunt who’s dad paid for his place at university.
I think I know which one I’ll listen to
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Laurence Fox is exactly what you would get if you bought Paul Bettany on Wish
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The rest of the year:
"Do you want a Baileys?"
Me: Fuck off! What am I 12?
Christmas time:
"Do you want a Baileys?"
Me: Pour it over my Rice Krispies & leave the bottle
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The kids are missing their granny so I've arranged a substitute
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I’ve been here since half ten this morning & still got another hour to go till someone replaces me.
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Never knew anyone who had this.
It was like the ark of the covenant of the Argos catalogue
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I'm no law expert but
"My paedo pal has already paid her to shut the fuck up" doesn't sound like a great defence
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The Nadine Dorries interview wasn't a car crash.
It was more like a coach full of orphans smashing into a petrol station & then the petrol station erupting in a fireball causing one of the pumps to skyrocket in the air & plummet back down completely obliterating a petting zoo
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Waiting for that time Susie Dent has had enough & her word of the day is just c*nts
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Tory MPs having their photo taken delivering a food parcel to a food bank is like B&Q hiring Fred West to advertise their new patio range
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I’ve never watched Peaky Blinders.
Here’s what I think it’s about
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"What did you promise at the last general election?"
"Triple lock pensions, not raise national insurance, hire 50,000 more nurses, reduce household bills & make Brexit a success"
"And what's happened?"
"Fucked it"
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My 4yr old son handed me a drawing
"What's this?" I asked
"It's us" he replied
I looked at it & noticed an extra figure
"Who's that?" I asked
"That's the old woman who visits me" he said
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum's staying & it's probably her
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TV schedule for today:
12pm - Homes Under the Philip
1pm - A Philip in the Sun
2pm - Come Dine With Philip
3pm - Escape to the Philip
4pm - Tiphiliping Point
5pm - Philip
6pm - Philip & Philip's Saturday Night Takeaway
9pm - Mrs Brown's Philips
11pm - Match of the Philip
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Mate, you would stick him on a boat to Rwanda.
Shut the fuck up
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Every single one of these men from last night's Question Time would keep your ball if it landed in their garden.
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Atlantis didn’t sink.
It held a referendum & 52% voted to live under the sea.
Experts warned them they would probably die but some lying dicks who wrote “Living under the sea will be great” on a cart, said “Experts don’t know shit!”
So they lived under the sea & drowned
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My 6yr old son told me he was learning about metamorphosis in school & how caterpillars come out of raccoons
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I'm not a scientist but the chances of going to see your Gran & giving her the blitz are really small.
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I’m in London & once again a shopkeeper has refused to accept my money because it’s a Scottish note.
I’m absolutely raging
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If Harry & Meghan never want to be mentioned in the right wing press again all they have to do is change their names to Prince Andrew
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Breaking news:
U.K Brexit team arrive in Belgium to begin negotiations
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"I walked into the room & noticed a fire hazard.
I immediately rushed over & blew the candles on the cake out.
The random 30 people who were also present were so grateful for my heroic deed they placed a party hat on my head & made me drink 14 glasses of champagne"
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Kid's Halloween party's are expensive.
So here's 4 awesome money saving ideas.
http://t.co/yNXdU6Nno4
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I tried to tempt her with a Wispa Gold but she wasn't interested
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My 9yr old son walked into the livingroom looking sad
"What's the matter, pal?" I asked
"What if the Coronavirus is around at Christmas? Santa won't be allowed in the house" he replied
I cuddled him, looked into his eyes & said
"Santa's not real you stupid cunt"
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#WorldBookDay
He has to go to school dressed as a character from Scottish literature.
So he's Begbie.
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People who settle down to watch telly at night & leave the big light on in the living room instead of a couple of lamps.
Absolute fucking psychopaths
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You know how dogs have a sixth sense?
Here’s a true story.
Last night about 10 I was on the couch, my dog started whining & looking upstairs.
I rushed up to check on the kids.
They were fine.
I came back down & caught her finishing off my bowl of Doritos.
Fuckin’ arsehole
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"Katie Hopkins is just saying what we're all thinking"
Naw mate, she's saying what you're thinking cause you're a cunt as well.
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Mate, if this was 3 months ago you pricks would have taken away his pension & declared him fit for work
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My mum’s staying over again.
At half past 8 she was still in bed so I knocked on her door & shouted
“YOU’RE JUST WASTING THE DAY!!”
Felt amazing
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The right wing media are now shifting the narrative on the NHS. They're coming out with
"People are getting fed up with it"
We're not, we're fed up with the chronic underfunding & the Tories & their mates using it as a cash machine.
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