Bird Eckler
@Birdeckler
Followers
2,190
Following
3,168
Media
1,513
Statuses
14,664
Morsels of joy, mixed with sprinkles of outrage. Results may vary.
USA
Joined July 2022
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Pinned Tweet
Welcome to Twitter. Someone with zero sense of humor will be along to misunderstand your obvious sarcasm shortly.
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Are you ever typing out a long reply and then just stop and think “You know what? I don’t care about this”, and then just delete it? Yeah, me too.
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I think the main reason I will never join a cult is probably all the mandatory meetings.
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@Nantanreikan
As I always say, “Most people are disgusting when they think no one is looking”
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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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I have an alarm set that goes off every single day at the same time, to remind me to take a medication, and every single day, my husband asks what that alarm is for.
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Just a reminder that white chocolate is not chocolate and is in fact made of lies.
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No one warns you how often, as an adult, you will curse at inanimate objects as if they should know better.
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The mid-life crisis is kinda pointless nowadays. It’s just everything is a crisis now. Whole-life crisis.
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Welcome to your 40s, now when you watch action movies, all you can think about is how much property damage they’re causing
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@notcapnamerica
She obviously doesn’t understand what paycheck to paycheck means. She’s definitely never had to take out a payday loan to pay the electricity and get just a few groceries
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No one prepared me for just how many pairs of scissors I would have to buy as an adult.
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A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
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@ElyKreimendahl
As I always say, the worst people on earth are girls between the ages of 13 and 15.
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Some of you have never had to open your door to pay in the drive-thru and it shows
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“So, I have always wanted to be put into a medically induced coma.”
Architect: “Say no more”
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Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!”
And then show themselves scraping plates before putting them in the dishwasher.
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Back in my day, you made one call from your landline to make plans and then went places and just waited to see if people showed up.
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When I say “the other day” it could mean any time before now. Earlier today? Maybe. Last week? Sure. 28 years ago? Who knows?
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(Being in your 40s)
Husband: “Why did you get up so early if you’re still tired?”
Me: “I had to pee and by the time I got back, I had been awake too long”
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I think a lot of people misunderstand the difference between
“I disagree with you”
And
“You’re wrong”
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@BadMedicalTakes
I don’t think he understands what happens with babies’ skulls after birth…by that I mean that he definitely doesn’t
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I’m a good friend to have.
If you cancel plans, you can rest assured that I will never try to convince you otherwise.
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Not to brag you guys, but I apparently married a man who knows everything about everything. I know, you’re jealous.
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Gen Z will be like “OMG! New life hack!” And then show you how to cross at a crosswalk.
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Don’t take criticism from people that you wouldn’t take advice from.
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Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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@MerriamWebster
Nip it in the butt (bud), whole other ballpark (ballgame), I could care less (couldn’t), doggy dog world (dog eat), Hunger pains (pangs), wet your appetite (whet), card shark (sharp), deep-seeded (seated).
and one that drives me particularly crazy, could of (have)
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@emilykmay
So she’s offended by the innocent wording of a factual statement, but not by comparing autism to horrific diseases…got it
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I feel like the difference between stew and soup is chewing.
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*posts something I think is hilarious*
*checks notifications every 2 minutes*
“Why hasn’t everyone on the internet seen this yet?!”
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“Anybody know where I can get some Ooze and a giant rat sensei?”
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@CreepyOrg
There’s actually a really interesting and very sad documentary about it called Dreams of a Life
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I’m at the point now, where it’s easier to never drink than to ever deal with a hangover in my 40s.
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My New Year’s resolutions are to do some things and to not do some other things.
We’ll hammer out the details later.
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My husband’s anti-vax, flat-earther, falls-for-every-single-conspiracy coworker can’t figure out why he’s having trouble finding a girlfriend.
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It’s never a bad time for cake.
Celebrating? Cake.
Sad? Cake.
Stressed? Cake.
Welcoming someone? Cake.
Cake is a universally connecting force.
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My husband CANNOT say Star Trek correctly, (he says Star Track) and I now realize that I wish I had known this when we were dating.
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Got kicked out of my gym for bringing a mariachi band again.
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As an 80s kid, the fact that I haven’t had at least one talking animal sidekick at this point, is frankly outrageous.
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“So, I said she’d get better tips if she smiled more, and maybe showed some cleavage.”
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Me, when someone asks if maybe I should slow down on the rolls
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She’s a seasonal oboist.
He makes cardboard dog houses.
Their budget is 3.28 million dollars.
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Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
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Roll my eyes so hard they may get stuck
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Do you want to get pizza?
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There’s absolutely no way this could go wrong.
Australian billionaire Clive Palmer announces he is going through with plans to rebuild an exact replica of the Titanic, aiming to set sail in 2027.
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Dolly Parton looked better in this cheap photo booth shot, than I have looked at any point in my entire life.
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@lucfrenette
@ffmichelle
I have had three and it is absolutely a major surgery. You have no idea what you’re talking about.
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@BadMedicalTakes
I almost bled to death and had to have an emergency c-section AFTER a pregnancy that was full of pain and migraines that sent me to the hospital, but ok
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@BadMedicalTakes
“Biology is biology and it cannot be altered, so don’t eat this because it will alter your biology”
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All jokes aside, this Kate Middleton thing is getting pretty worrisome, right?
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As an adult you’re required to say “I could use a million dollars” when anyone asks “What can I get for you?”
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What’s your favorite movie genre?
One of mine, is “heists” (of almost any kind)
I’m also fond of the “group of people get stuck in some crazy person’s game and are dwindled down one by one, by creative murders” genre.
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The real joy of Twitter is having hilarious people leave hilarious comments, on your hilarious posts.
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As a tall, lanky person, yes I am happy to get things off a high shelf for you.
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@BadMedicalTakes
My twin brother and I both had ours around our necks and have had lifelong diminished fine motor skills, but okie dokie
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Only a couple more months until Mike Tyson takes Jake Paul’s life, you guys!
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@FuckKoroks
This happened to me 3 or 4 years ago. No joke. Everything was so promising, then when I figured it out and asked him, if he was a white supremacist, he said “Is that not something you can get past?”
I said, “Systematic hatred and violence that you are also
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Sex is great and everything, but have you ever had the whole house to yourself all day?
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@BadVaccineTakes
What actually happened: “I told a veteran nurse that my children were unvaccinated and she slapped me in the mouth.”
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@notcapnamerica
🤣🤣🤣 “Tax strike” (all they’re doing is filming the evidence against themselves)
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@innermind2023
@realnikohouse
@JackPosobiec
First, you’re hilarious wrong, and you know it.
Secondly, women don’t care what you think.
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Learning to type out obscenities on the calculator was really where we peaked as a society.
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No one tells you how excited you will get in your 40s, when you find really comfortable underwear.
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