The answers we heard on @CommonsBEIS from Royal Mail leaders today completely failed to stack up against the thousands of testimonies we’ve received from postal workers across the country. I’ll be announcing what further action we’ll be taking on this issue shortly.

Jennifer Lopez reveals she’s already been for two poos today. “If I continue at this rate, we’re looking at 700+ poos by the end of 2023,” she told BBC Radio Cornwall

One of our favourite family traditions at Christmas is making biscuits full of laxatives to give to the homeless shelter.

Tree... done.

BREAKING: Super Army Soldiers using Challenger tanks will cover for striking #NHS paramedics during the #NHSStrikes Road users are asked to lookout for/move out of the way for fast moving tanks with a soldier shouting "Neh Nah" - it could help save a life! 📸 from a Canberra

Policeman 1: "Bit early in the morning for festivities isn't it, sir?"

And of course

Officers from our Roads And Transport Squad were conducting speed checks on Swan Lane, Sandford One driver was clocked at 63mph in a 30mph zone They provided some treats for the team, so recorded speed reduced to 29mph & a warning given

I Wasn’t wrong #January6thHearing #January6thCommitteeHearings

Fact of the Day: Concorde could fly from London to Hull in just 8.008135mins, tickets cost just £800.85 making it £71.75 cheaper than going by train. Unfortunately nobody wanted to go to Hull & the service was stopped in 1926 Photographed from a Canberra #AvGeek #aviationlovers

"It is a Cuban fertility symbol, I hope it brings you as much luck as it brought me."

NEWS! Matt Hancock spends record amount of time in his constituency after watching Avatar 2 in local cinema https://t.co/pvhsrC6yZQ

Our Santa’s Grotto is temporarily closed. I will be taking no more questions at this time.

As it’s Christmas I’ll give away one of my Nerdlinger calendars. Just RT and follow and I’ll pick a winner Tuesday at 1pm. If you’re not a gambler you can buy one from https://t.co/QPnAuXidP9

After suggesting NHS bed shortages could be solved simply by adding more, MP John Redwood ends world hunger by telling people to eat more food.

Having taken advice from John Redwood, I have ordered NHS managers to buy beds with money they haven't got, put them into wards that don't exist and staff them with doctors and nurses we can't recruit.

‼️ Public Service Announcement ‼️ 🧑‍🎄Your annual Christmas Eve viewing of Father Ted has been confirmed. 🇮🇪 RTÉ2 - Christmas Special @ 9pm 🇬🇧 More4 - Father Ted marathon from 8pm to 1.25am, including the Christmas Special @ 9pm

Monty: "How right you are, how right you are. We live in a kingdom of reigns where royalty comes in gangs. Come on lads, let's get home. The sky's beginning to bruise--night must fall and we shall be forced to camp."

Channel 4 announces this year’s ‘Alternate Christmas Message’ will be delivered by the Dolmio family