Stansaid Airport
@StansaidAirport
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00 Days 00 Hours 00 Mins & 52 Seconds since last near miss. Parody.
Essex airport 'innit?
Joined October 2013
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Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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So sweet. A lady on the 22:40 to Alicante has just had such a surprise. She sat down and her son walked out the cockpit, in full pilot’s uniform. To say she was shocked was an understatement. Mainly because he’s a bricklayer. Anyway, severe delays while the police arrest him.
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Please be aware that thieves operate in this airport. Here are the signs to look out for.
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Lovely day for flying.
Heathrow 23C
Gatwick 23C
Stansaid 22C
London City 24C
Luton 1,435C
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The first aircraft equipped with the new Dyson jet engine. Amazing.
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So sweet. A handler taking his 737 for a morning walk. Who's a GOOD little Boeing?
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Very honoured to have the Boeing Dreamlifter in for a tyre change today. Oh ffs...
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Just back from Kansas. I don't want to talk about it.
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Christian Ronaldo's private jet, after being slightly touched when refuelling.
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Please be aware that thieves operate in this airport. These are the signs you need to look out for.
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Emirates: Our virtual windows with hi-definition screens will make passengers feel like there’s no barrier between them and the sky.
Boeing:
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We had to scramble the RAF earlier to intercept a highly suspicious aircraft movement. Turns out it was just an easyJet flight leaving on time.
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@elonmusk
Don’t be downhearted. Look at the list of things you’ve achieved at X. Then simply reverse every single one of them. Hire people that know what they’re doing, who worked at places like, say, Twitter (use this name)? Change the logo. Something friendlier, like a little bird. Blue?
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Just radioed this pilot to let him know he’s left his right indicator on. What an idiot…
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Had one of those Just Stop Oil protestors glue themselves to the top of a plane this morning. We did what anyone would do in that situation, and cleared it for take off. She’ll be passing over Saudi Arabia about now. Cracking view of the oil fields I’d imagine.
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No idea what al the fuss is about with Costa Coffee. Our branch just requires vaccine proof, a blood sample, prepared DNA microscope glass slide and a bone marrow sample. Honestly, some people…
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Very happy to be adding this beauty to our private jet fleet.
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Delighted for the guys in our model aircraft club! All those thousands of hours without a girlfriend were well worth...never mind.
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Mum passed. Not expected but peaceful. Will not be here for a while. Stuff to do.
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Fact: If all engines fail on a modern jet, it can still fly using the emergency propeller.
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Some visiting French police have just spend 10 minutes shouting at our pub umbrellas.
#BurkiniBan
#FrenchFarce
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This is your Captain speaking, we have just crossed the Scottish border.
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Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
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The wind is that strong today we’re getting reports of a Ryanair flight blown so far off course it landed at the airport it said it was flying to.
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A highly unusual aircraft movement meant we scrambled an intercept jet today. Despite being suspicious, it was confirmed that an easyJet flight was actually on time.
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Delighted to have won the catering contract for Ryanair AND to be launching the world's first in flight barbequ...never mind.
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This woman stole my iPhone X in a bar and doesn’t realise that it uploads her pictures to my iCloud account.
If you know her, please tell her that I’ve bought a lot more storage space and I can forward the charger so the battery doesn’t run out. Thank you.
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Congratulations to Celtic on winning the Scottish Premiership. Reminds me of the euphoria I felt when I beat my cat at darts.
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People complain about security pat downs, but in the 13th Century, airport security searches were far worse.
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Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
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This Virgin Atlantic pilot does a barrel roll to get a better look at the girls shooting a YouTube video. What a pervert.
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Lovely bit of footage from Air Traffic Control. Amazing.
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Fact: The world’s longest drum solo was 13 hours and 26 minutes. It was performed by a 5 year old little bastard on the back of my seat while flying from London to Singapore.
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Employee of the month goes to Freddie, head of brake servicing! Found out his wife had been getting full thrust from a 747 pilot yet he still came to work. You'd never have known. Top lad. 🏆
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Delighted to have the new Airbus A390 in today! Magnificent aircraft.
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I've had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can't for the life of me remember what they're for.
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We opened a brand new terminal just for American tourists today! If you look really closely, you can see the precise moment they walked in.
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I though Jo Swinson did an excellent job on BBC Question Time. She absolutely destroyed the Lib Dem’s.
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I don’t know what all the fuss is about. We flight simulate the 737 Max all the time and we’ve never had a… oh ffs.
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Travelling into London? Please allow for heavy traffic as tomorrow's Coronation will take far longer than the Queen's did. She could cover any distance, but a King can only move one step at a time.
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Lewis Hamilton: Yeah I feel like giving up…
*climbs into private jet*
LH: The world’s such a mess people don’t care…
*jumps into F1 car that does 4mpg*
LH: No one gives a damn…
* flips through real estate brochure and ponders 5th house*
LH: Going Vegan is the only way…
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Wonderful. The traditional 21 gun salute for the President arriving. Marvellous.
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Slight delay on the 16:20 to Alicante due to a fuel leak. Shouldn't be long, Wayne reckons it'll be sorted in a few minutes using our high tech cleaning equipment. He might need to stop for a cigarette break though.
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Nothing says 'I want to be single' more than booking one of our surprise helicopter tours.
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Stunning. An Airbus A380 at the end of its working life, released back into the wild. Nature is amazing.
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Turkish Airlines are going apeshit about the new campaign we did for them at the airport. No idea why.
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Amazing. The Airbus Beluga, a remarkable heavy lifter. As you can see from the number on the front, this one has been adapted to carry 3 American tourists.
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We lost a forklift from freight last night. Just going to review the security cameras, see if there are any clues.
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Sure sex is great, but have you ever had your suitcase arrive first on a baggage carousel?
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When a BMW driver gets a Private Pilots Licence.
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Right, that’s the immigration issue sorted. We’ve just employed a GP receptionist at Passport Control. Now no one is getting in.
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I have to say, this is the best picture of a cat blending into a hairstyle and forehead I've seen for some time.
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Truck driver seems really surprised by the accident.
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Fact: The Antonov 124 was so large, a Boeing 747 could land inside it, saving thousands on cargo handling fees.
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Technically we can log that as another safe take off. Landing is another airport's problem.
#SafetyFirst
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For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you.
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Would a Mr Boeing come to Lost Property please, that’s a Max Boeing to Lost Property. Thank you.
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Anyone noticed Sun journalists on twitter suddenly begging people to buy a newspaper because it’s ‘less than a coffee?’ Pretty much the same tweet from them all? Which means they’ve been asked, sales have collapsed and they’re in trouble.
Well done everybody.
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Made an absolute fortune from all those planes Gatwick sent us today. Feel a bit bad now. All we sent them was a drone with a Christmas card.
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5 years ago on Twitter, an amazing woman contacted me, and one thing lead to another after communicating a million times, and on Christmas Day, I’m so pleased to announce, we found her luggage.
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If you're flying from Luton, expect an extremely disrupted service, massive flight cancellations, most trains being stranded and absolute chaos within the airport.
It might be worse after the fire too.
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Since the massive car park fire at Luton Airport, they've been using a nearby field for passenger's cars. That way you can safel...oh ffs
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This foreign traveller was incredibly rude. So I just smiled and gave her a free bag. She's about to go through security. Now, we wait...
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It’s fascinating to see the differences between nationalities. For example, on American Airlines this is known as an ‘emotional support pet.’ On Air France, it’s known as ‘the main course.’
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The new King holds the aerials while the Bishop of Canterbury connects him to 5G. Only close family can use the Royal Router as a hotspot.
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I think Keith in our WH Smith is having a bad day. Just a feeling.
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Passenger Announcement: Please take care of dogs today as the guns go off at 1pm. French tourists, don’t panic, keep your arms down. Americans passing through, please don’t shoot back.
#Salute
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BMW dealers are still closed. When asked when they would reopen, a spokesman said ‘we won’t be giving any indication.’
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Who needs a heliport when our patented mobile launch system saves space and offers a world firs…never mind.
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Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of cocaine in a statue. The 9kg of cocaine was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of cocaine took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
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Amazing. This old lady has grown a Just Stop Oil protestor at the Chelsea Flower Show.
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I’ll never forget this. 20 years ago today, I ran into the street and shouted ‘it’s a boy!’ Tears streaming down my face. I’ve never been back to Thailand since.
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This Extinction Rebellion protestor has glued himself to a flight to Dubai. Bob from security just added more glue and we’ve cleared the plane for take off. I imagine he’ll get a cracking view of all the oil fields on approach.
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UK Rail: Huge delays due to snow.
Canada: That’s just so ADORABLE!
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The decision whether to allow Shamima Begum back into the UK is due today! The Home Office have asked us to print out and process her application papers. Say no more...
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I think we’re going to have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
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This is absolutely amazing. Spotted on an American Freeway, a BMW driver using indicators. Although I'm not entirely convinced they've quite grasped the concept...
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We’re hearing reports that a Ryanair plane was blown so far of course today, it landed at the airport it said it was flying to.
#StormGerrit
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Ron, Secretary of our Model Aircraft Club, is beaten once again by his nemesis.
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Delighted to have launched the new Ryanair executive spa lounge today!
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Good luck to Sir Richard Branson today on his Virgin Galactic flight to the edge of space.
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Amazing scenes. Novak Djokovic waves to fans as Australia’s Border Control prepare to deport him.
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Flying 1st Class? Then why not take advantage of our complimentary valet parking? Simply drink as much free alcohol as you want, then have a go at parking an economy passenger's car from the short stay.
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If anyone has lost their gran, please go to Duty Free. She’s near the hard stuff and has her arm around an imaginary friend.
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How do you milk sheep?
Launch an iPhone at £999.
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Right, that's the new landing gear bolted on, it's now ready to fly agai...never mind.
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Amazing skill. This 777X pilot fights for control after an American tourist walks to the back of the aircraft, then sits down on the left.
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I really miss the romance and grandeur of flying. This was the staircase to the top floor lounge on the first 747 jumbo jets.
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Nervous of flying? Don’t be. As long as the 2 million parts in a plane work perfectly while travelling at close to the speed of sound as sharp metal blades rotate at supersonic speeds in temperatures of -65 degrees 7 miles above the Earth’s surface, you’ll be absolutely fine.
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