Have I Got News For You
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This account is run by Hat Trick, who make HIGNFY. The BBC have asked us to point out it's nothing to do with them; the twitter feed that is, not the TV show.
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BREAKING: Hundreds of people gather on Westminster Bridge to applaud the NHS staff who will be treating them for coronavirus next week.
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Tense days ahead as Boris Johnson waits to find out if inquiry ordered by Boris Johnson finds that Boris Johnson attended a party at Boris Johnson’s house.
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‘It’s time to move on’ says government that’s worked harder to safeguard one man’s job in three days than it has to protect frontline workers and care home residents in three months.
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HIGNFY producers hoping BBC don’t find out that Ian Hislop also edits a satirical magazine occasionally critical of government policy.
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Vatican investigates possible miracle as UK government inexplicably finds £10bn for energy bills just 24 hours after the Sue Gray report.
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Credit where credit’s due - turns out the government can organise a piss-up.
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Widespread chaos across UK as people arrive at work meetings armed with cheese, wine, 15 other people and a baby.
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‘Brexit deal never made sense’ says man who negotiated it, signed it, prevented MPs from scrutinising it, campaigned for it and won a general election on the back of it:
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BREAKING: Dominic Cummings press conference went ‘really well’ says Prince Andrew.
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New series of Big Brother receives 50 million applications after producers confirm that the house will have food and central heating.
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After the effect of 'Mr Bates vs the Post Office', let’s hope Toby Jones is also working on new TV dramas about water pollution, climate change, covid, PPE contracts, the refugee crisis, the cost of living, energy prices, and the NHS
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BREAKING: Vatican designates Barnard Castle a sacred site after thousands of blind pilgrims are miraculously cured over the past 24 hours.
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After a vegan sausage roll sends Piers Morgan into a meltdown, experts say it’s a good job he isn’t one of those easily-offended snowflakes he's always talking about.
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World begins unprecedented third attempt at 2020.
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BREAKING: Dominic Cummings to leave Downing St by Christmas. Unclear as yet who will take over as PM.
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After Matt Hancock says six cases of voter fraud is ‘six too many’, the UK’s 280,000 homeless people ask for a quick word.
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BREAKING: Boris Johnson denies hosting quiz at No 10, as it was actually an emergency Cobra meeting to determine which Irish singer-songwriter released the 1990 hit single ‘Nothing Compares 2 U’.
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After Matt Hancock is accused of having an affair, lying to everyone and being 'fucking hopeless', bookies make him odds-on favourite for next PM.
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Harry and Meghan latest: World enters sixth day of coming to terms with 35-year-old man moving out of his nan’s house.
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BREAKING: Govt strikes exclusive deal with Wordle to release Sue Gray report one word at a time until 2028.
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Kwasi Kwarteng receives shortest email in recorded history:
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BREAKING: Thousands of work events reported across the UK.
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Despite overwhelming odds, 2022 somehow already more shit than 2021.
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BREAKING: Several buses arrive at Westminster amid fears Dominic Cummings won’t be able to throw entire government under just one.
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Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
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BREAKING: Three, possibly four brain cells have entered the US Capitol building.
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BREAKING: British media reacts as death toll passes 30,000.
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After Julia Hartley-Brewer complains that Nasa can send a probe to Mars yet we’re not allowed to visit our next door neighbour, scientists point out that the R-rate tends to be pretty low on planets with a population of zero.
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Government scraps advice on working from home. No news yet on drinking at work.
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After four and a half years, three prime ministers, two general elections, 64 resignations and 3,498 U-turns, Boris Johnson flies to Brussels at the last possible moment to secure ‘easiest deal in history’.
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Kwasi Kwarteng delivers on promise to make stamp duty a thing of the past by ensuring nobody can get a mortgage.
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White House releases new footage of Jim Acosta incident:
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President Zelensky says it was great to meet yet another British PM, and he can’t wait to see who we send in December.
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Police say they’re becoming increasingly concerned over the whereabouts of a Mrs L. Truss from Norfolk. Last seen driving entire country off a cliff.
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‘I would call the police on people flouting Covid rules’ says woman who voted to break the law 14 hours ago:
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‘Increasing A-level grades will mean a whole generation could end up promoted beyond their abilities’ says Minister for Irony.
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Today reportedly the most depressing day of the year, unlike the previous 700 which have famously been a barrel of laughs.
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BREAKING: Three-and-a-half years, two extensions, seven defections, 21 deselections, three prime ministers, countless amendments, two prorogations, one Supreme Court judgement, 66 million Brits losing the will to live and we’re still at square one.
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MPs offered an extra £10,000 each to work from home, coming as a great comfort to nurses wearing bin bags to protect themselves from coronavirus.
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Boris Johnson confirms no further restrictions yet, meaning UK might have to wait until next week to completely ignore what he says.
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Suella Braverman says sending asylum seekers to Rwanda before Christmas would be her ‘dream’ - closely followed by ‘drowning kittens in a river’ and ‘pushing an orphan off a cliff’.
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BREAKING: Jo Johnson resigns to spend less time with his family.
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BREAKING: World bids farewell to March, which began 36 years and nine months ago today.
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After Matt Hancock asks Premier League footballers to donate their wages to help fight coronavirus, some wonder if he should ask the UK’s hedge fund owners, tax-dodging FTSE 100 companies and non-domiciled Russian oligarchs to do the same.
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More embarrassment for Rishi Sunak at the petrol station as he tries to pay for a sausage roll with six uncut diamonds and a Fabergé egg.
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Ministers said to have considered three options during yesterday’s cabinet meeting, thought to be Stilton, Wensleydale and Brie.
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Downing St officials begin to receive £50 fines for lockdown parties - just a fraction less than the £10,000 ones members of the public got.
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MPs accused of not taking the cost-of-living crisis seriously after Michael Fabricant wastes £5 worth of spaghetti:
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MISSING: Have you seen this man? Last seen mumbling to cameras in the Westminster area. Please check sheds, garages and fridges.
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As petition calling for an early general election passes 100,000 signatures, furious Conservative Party members argue that huge political decisions shouldn’t be dictated by such a tiny percentage of the electorate.
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Report finds 1 in 10 people regret extravagant purchases made over lockdown, such as hot tubs, exercise equipment and £37bn test and trace systems.
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Richard Branson hoping to send a rocket into space this weekend, coming as a bit of a surprise to the 3,000 staff he said he couldn’t afford to pay two weeks ago.
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As Rishi Sunak unveils plans to make maths compulsory until age 18, AQA unveils new A-level question:
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Greta Thunberg "unstable" says man who had an emotional breakdown over a sausage roll:
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BREAKING: UK declared coronavirus-free after scientists discover all we had to do was stay alert.
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BREAKING: Government reveals Brexit was an April Fool’s prank all along - “We never even sent Article 50 letter”.
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URGENT: Have you seen this man? Last spotted a week ago in the Westminster area. Police urge anyone with information to kindly keep it to themselves.
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Raheem Sterling in hot water again after The Sun photographs him smiling on the 587th anniversary of Joan of Arc’s death.
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Lord Frost reportedly furious with the terms of his resignation after negotiating them himself.
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After Boris Johnson criticises them for ‘not following procedures’, care homes wonder whether they should have booked a coach trip to Durham or Greece instead.
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GB News presenter Eamonn Holmes has ripped into Taylor Swift saying “I wouldn’t date her.” Which finally explains why she was forced to settle for a 6ft4 professional athlete
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Today’s headlines:
Guardian - XMAS PARTY OUTRAGE
Daily Mail - PM ACCUSED OF LYING
Metro - THEY’RE LAUGHING AT US
The Sun - Unusually large pigeon spotted in Devon
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Live scenes as Dominic Cummings pops out for his morning paper:
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‘I don’t believe in gestures’ says man who drove a digger through a wall to promote Brexit and clapped on Thursday nights for people he failed to protect:
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BREAKING: Huge anti-lockdown protest currently taking place at Hyde Park, with further gatherings expected at intensive care units across the UK next week.
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BREAKING: Matt Hancock hits his 100k-a-day target after getting Priti Patel to read out the number.
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No 10 prepares to launch new ‘track and trace’ app, in latest effort to locate Boris Johnson.
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President Zelensky up against King Charles for Time’s Person of the Year, as panellists struggle to choose between leading a country against a barbaric invasion and being the eldest of four siblings.
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Live scenes from the HS2 just north of Watford:
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BREAKING: Dominic Raab orders closure of all beaches in Bournemouth, Swindon, Derby and Leeds.
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After Graham Brady receives the 54 letters required to trigger a confidence vote in Boris Johnson, Nadine Dorries insists most of them are letters of support.
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As a new book alleges Donald Trump thought Finland was controlled by Russia, Finnish authorities say to be fair they thought the same about him.
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BREAKING: Cabinet reportedly meeting this afternoon after Grant Shapps is spotted wheeling a karaoke machine into No 10.
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BREAKING: Nigel Farage says voters have a clear choice this week; namely strawberry, chocolate or vanilla.
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As the NHS is given an extra £250m to buy beds, bookies begin taking bets on which minister’s mate owns a mattress company.
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After two NASA astronauts travel to the ISS, 400km above the Earth’s surface, critics say surely there’s a cheaper way to test their eyesight.
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Lives of the British public cannot be disrupted by a small minority, says man elected by 0.0001% of the population:
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BREAKING: Storm Francis downgraded to light breeze after Gavin Williamson finds out it went to a state school.
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After Boris Johnson speaks of the great debt he owes to the NHS, medical staff across the UK agree that about £350 million a week should cover it.
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Damage from A-level fiasco now affecting all aspects of government, as Dominic Raab is downgraded to 'Dominic Rbbb'.
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Boris Johnson claimed to have the backing of 102 MPs, just like he claimed to have those 40 new hospitals, 50,000 new nurses and £350million a week for the NHS.
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Guns to be banned from Donald Trump’s upcoming NRA appearance, proving that the US can protect a child when it wants to.
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Boris Johnson reportedly furious over claims about Carrie in new book. Fair enough, never nice when someone spreads unsubstantiated allegations then refuses to retract them.
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BREAKING: As Dominic Cummings leaves No 10 with immediate effect, the government is advised to wait 14 days to make sure he’s completely gone.
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Corporation tax to rise from 19 to 25 percent in the UK, leaving Apple and Google facing bills of up to £12.
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Government announces mandatory Covid testing at UK airports, to celebrate six-month anniversary of other countries doing it.
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New poll reveals 44% of people think Rishi Sunak would be doing a better job as PM than Liz Truss, just behind Larry the Cat on 61% and ‘a boiled egg’ on 53%.
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After Arron Banks picks a fight with Greta Thunberg on Twitter, Oxford Dictionary updates its definition of ‘hardman’.
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BREAKING: MPs go off on their 5 week summer holidays, as everything’s completely under control and there’s absolutely no work to do.
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As 99-year-old Captain Tom Moore raises over £12 million for the NHS, the government says if he could raise another £338 million by the end of the week that would be great.
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As anger mounts over Dominic Cummings’ £40k pay rise, No 10 says it was mainly to cover petrol.
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BREAKING: No 10 confirms criteria for receiving instant coronavirus test.
- Must be aged 70 or above.
- You are self-isolating in a castle.
- One of your parents is the Queen.
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Doubts raised over impartiality of new Daily Mail article:
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