scooter
@realaccountyeah
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big fan of lunch
he/him | free palestine 🇵🇸
Joined September 2020
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Pinned Tweet
All of my problems are because of America and my phone
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orange juice with pulp is so fuckign crazy imagine if there was a potato in your vodka
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me when I take my future wife to the Costco food court
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"no you don't have to pause the movie while i use the bathroom" okay so you don't care about what we're watching together? so you hate me and want me to die?
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plato clutching his chest and crying and throwing up rn
When tiktok convinces you to buy a projector and create faux windows in your bedroom.
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when jeff bezos comes back to earth let’s all pretend we don’t know who he is
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i wanna meet the Tom that got an entire genre of foolery named after him
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the riddler had 500 followers that were ready to die over what he was saying. you guys barely even like my tweets
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"Don't look at the eclipse it's not safe you'll go blind" ok but what if I look at it like this
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i'm at the club slow blinking at the bad bitches to let them know i feel safe with them
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your boyfriend wouldn't last a single day as a gnome btw. he sucks at foraging. can't fucking forage at all. fucking idiot
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"roasting is my love language 🤪" you will reach your deathbed having never practiced sincerity and you won't have the courage to say the words you wish to leave behind.
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i’m in the strip club asking the dancers what their love languages are
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Oh yeah if there's one thing you never see on here it's 24-26 year olds complaining
the girls don’t talk about a quarter life crisis enough. are my 24-26 year olds okay??
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you have to stop. Your castle walls too tough. Your chainmail too different. Your wench is too bad. they'll kill you
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You want snoopy to bad because you are bad. This is wrong. Snoopy is good. You have the choice to be good with him. You're stuck in the dark and you'd snuff out his candle before letting it light your own. Or did you forget you had a candle at all?
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they're saying the enchanted forest was just a regular forest before you walked through it btw
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Nice Spotify link! In a hundred years they'll cut down a tree with our initials carved into a growth ring near the center and they'll wonder why its wood burns so warm
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Do you think they cut that shit out when it's just the two of them like I bet they get real normal
This is the Avengers of awkward conversations. The Shaq & Kobe of you gotta be kidding me.
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if you told me one of these niggas is named pooh shiesty and the other one is named anthony mackie id get it so wrong
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A throuple is an interesting concept but the one that walks behind the other two on narrow sidewalks must be violently suicidal
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“your days are numbered” yeah it’s called a calendar you fucking idiot
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being alive is a gift but like when someone gives your kid a drum kit
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why are they letting him in a highschool
Drake at Bronny's high school game arguing with the ref 😂
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just saw a bird eat a worm. its 3pm. what's the point of being early
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Womanizing is such a cool word I wish it didn't mean that
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Can't stress enough how much we would kick it on some genuine shit
i can tell a lot of you don’t think about when fiona apple did a cartwheel and then revealed she was holding pretzels
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Mashallah he is praying
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me when her stupid cookie making ass gets hit by a car (this is a love story)
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I love superstitions that feel like they were created by one person's kindness. Yes that eyelash that we finally got out of your eye is magical and yes you can make a wish on it! I wonder if the parent who came up with that to soothe a crying child knew how that love would endure
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"what happened while i was gone" i died on the inside is what happened actually
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@vonbitty
i'm stealing the remote and flicking back and forth between red and blue while she chases after me make it like a real police chase
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@lilgrapefruits
You can tell it was directed by a man bc it says his name near the beginning and also at the end somewhere
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my gf is gonna have to understand that i already love worms more than i love her it would be better for me if she were a worm actually
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coward you are to quiet your own heart. it wants to be heard but you stifle it. it wants to be seen but you disguise it. it wants to be free but you keep it locked up to wither away inside yourself and have the nerve to call it a love language
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i'm gonna tie a churro around her finger like "baby it's just you and me on this membership to forever"
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@MILFWEEED
i don't think there's anything she could've said that would have been more shocking than "...polish."
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"no outside food or drink allowed" we're all gonna die one day
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if you’re 20 you’ve gotta be literally insane to think being with a 16 year old is remotely acceptable and if you’re an adult letting this happen you deserve nothing but suffering
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not saying you have to be a perfect witless creature but if you can't let love be love how can it last. and maybe it's not easy. maybe it's not what we're used to. maybe it's not what we've been shown. but in spite of all of that doesn't it feel good to try?
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only reason i’m alive is because the 13 reasons why netflix series made suicide cringe
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those with aura never have to question it.
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i wanted to be the most vaccinated person alive so i made them use the mega pipette
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"snoopy is mean" "snoopy wouldn't even fw you" did you approach him as a person or as just another crazed fan? i wouldn't fw you either
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getting the wordle in 2 words is lucky except when i do it. when i do it it's because i'm the chosen one
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please stop tagging your significant others i shouldn't have to see that
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when someone else’s dog jumps on me at the dog park: oh you silly baby you can’t do that baby silly little baby you’re just a silly guy
when my dog jumps on someone: get down. bitch.
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Love helping ppl move bc nothing is better than eating pizza on the floor in an apartment full of packed up boxes
Your friends are not obligated to help you move especially after 30. Hire movers. It’s not that deep.
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what was the prank that set him apart from everyone else doing common foolery
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Spent the last 20 minutes crying at these but I think I'll remember this one until I die
NYT interviewing 100 people on how they show love in small ways. I’m going to sob
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Not gonna talk about booktok bc it feels like punching down but so crazy that there are ppl in the replies begging for the book... even my dog won't jump for every bone like c'mon
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they all bought matching outfits and you can't even hit a button
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don’t bring your girl around me or i’ll start doing cartwheels and you’ll go home alone
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She's right but I don't think it's just for cooking either. So many ppl are just so unwilling to try to do things for themselves in a way that's deeply concerning. Like there's a difference between knowing what your comfortable limits are and limiting yourself
people so mad in the comment section of this tiktok but shes so real for this
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My fault
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i'm locking sufjan stevens and wes anderson in a room until they make me something whimsical and devastating
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So fucked up that licking your lips makes them dry faster. I could never believe in a benevolent god. It seems like the greatest biological cruelty after hangnails and whatever's going on with uteruses
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photography tip! if you're gonna take your camera out in bad air to take pictures of the orange sky you should probably take the camera with color film in it
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a woman with the most aesthetically proportioned body i’ve ever seen is telling me she craves physical touch but that she feels incomplete without words of affirmation and we’re crying together halfway through a lap dance
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Like how British ppl only do the voice when you're listening
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surely it must be a years old deleted tweet from a long suspended account that you could never find a single trace of and not a tweet that's 30 days old
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They're putting the smallest boygenius inside the medium boygenius who goes inside the tallest boygenius
Boygenius announces they’re going away “for the foreseeable future.”
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sorry but this is hilarious bc if you put today's average 3 star recruit in Super Bowl 1 he would leave the game with a kill count and then go play fortnite
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disinformation aside i fw this guys vibe so much
This is what a "clump of cells" looks like 7-weeks after fertilization.
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