i’ve been taking some notes

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Me: I wonder when my package is coming FedEx: Today! Me: But it’s 9:00 PM and the package is on the other side of the country FedEx: Shut the fuck up nerd

i love when my guy friends like sydney sweeney’s instagram posts…go get ‘em king

love that they lock up condoms at all stores now. like hey man can you use your little key over here. thanks bro. is it cool with you if i might have sex tonight

Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful

how it feels checking my daylist

gravity., i wanna see them eggs and peppernonis dance

We them boyz

tik tok algorithm: you are a 5’11” white male with a birthmark just below the right elbow. here are some ads ig algorithm: sorry your cat died. we put his face on a sweater for you to buy twitter algorithm: helldo! my name Griselda and, i am salivating to be your GUN WIFE

Cramming a band's whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

Everybody you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

the eclipse has hit the reflections on my disco ball

Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as fuck

Me texting my christian friends: I hope you guys have a great Easter! Jesus is back, baby! Me texting my ancient Roman buddies: Hey dudes I know this is a tough day for you, let me know if you need some space today. You'll get him next time for sure though, I know it.

Me: But what about the time I saw 8 huge claw marks in the sand? Jesus: Omg I saw that too. I have no idea what that was. I was so fucking scared.

Today I got hit by a car and mildly concussed and the first thing I did when I got into the ambulance was ask the paramedic if she saw Madame Web

wow. my heart is broken tonight. just imagined a guy in the Quiet Place universe committing suicide with a kazoo

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