sir, your total will be $9.85, and peter griffin, sir, it is an honor to serve you today.

It's awesome that they use Barbie-first language because in the 70s she would've just been called "Diabetes Barbie".

going to the liquor store and browsing aimlessly until an employees asks if they can help me, and just responding "do you have anything non-alcoholic?".

commander-in-soy.

i've never had aspirations of power, but i bet it does feel good as hell to give a command to a group of young men and have them all yell back "sir, yes!" in unison.

"Pro-consumer movement". You meant Treatlerite Populism?.

yeah dat sound like something he would say. i'd be saying the same thing if i were pope probably, but i'm not so i do disagree, but that make sense for him to say that (as pope).

Me eating 2600 calories of vegan protein, whole grains, fruits, vegetables: is this restriction??? is this bad??. Me briefly being forced to reconcile with the unstoppable passage of time and coping by eating 6500 calories, 3 days in a row: mmm. yumbo!!😋.

I get a little obsessive about "eating better" to the point where I think like "Is this a little disordered??" but then I'll have a few days where I basically relapse into old binging habits and it's a real slap in the face of like "OH, right. THIS is the disorder" lmao.

Look, say what you will about the United States. But the fact of the matter is that no other nation's culture in the history of the world could have generated Linkin Park. So, you kinda gotta hand it to the USA on that one.

The only good association I have with "the smell of rain on dry soil" is that it meant my baseball game was about to be cancelled and I could go home and play video games.

I never bought it when all of the Tumblr dorks started saying like "oh, petrichor smells soooo good" because when I was growing up and it rained real hard, we would always say "it smells like WORMS.". You people think WORMS smell good??.

I think I've looked at how much I'm paying in union dues once in my entire career, because I know that whatever it is, I'm paying less in each paycheck than the raises that they negotiate for me every year. (And the great health insurance, dental, sick leave, representation. ).

(Okay, I think exaggeration by omission is funny. They're $6 bottles of wine, and the "cellar" is a metal rack that my dad essentially got on the side of the road).

Basically, my mom is out of town at the lake house, so I'm at my parents' house waiting to sign for a wine shipment and put it in the cellar. But I can't go out and lounge around the pool with some daquiris because then I wouldn't be able to hear the doorbell 😔.

I think there's a way for me to factually explain how my afternoon is going that would make you all want to shoot me in the head. But in reality it is pure, distilled "failson" personified lmao.

I dont get the whole labubu thing at all, but I think that stems from the fact that I fundamentally believe that you shouldn't buy stuff just to "have" it.

Imagine Linda Yaccarino just keeps tweeting dumb gifs of the X logo and stuff like "The World happens Here on X". Like, none of that had to do with being CEO, those were all coming from the heart.

i bet hitting your first home run in the MLB feels good as FUCKH.

Every time I talk about "loving the Buffalo Bills," I am horrified that someone will remember that I went "Pre-COVID level semi-viral" for a tweet that hinged on the fact that I had never even heard of Rob Gronkowski in 2017.

So true. Because, as we all know, the only way to read the Constitution is to go to the National Archives and read the publicly displayed original copy in person. It isn't printed anywhere else, and certainly not in any other fonts, languages, etc.