sir, your total will be $9.85, and peter griffin, sir, it is an honor to serve you today.

Ideally, I would like to weigh 1lb.

almonds are a great snack if you like shit that tastes like crap.

A little shake of cinnamon on some plain oatmeal actually goes a long way when you have absolutely nothing else going on in your life.

please stop sharing the graph showing how only 12% of 30 year olds are married and homeowners. i dont care if it shows that i'm in good company. i am 30 years old, at my wits end, and that might be the one that does me in.

going to therapy and the therapist just keeps going "oh. i never thought of it that way, you're right though :/" and accidentally giving *them* depression.

magic 8 ball, are you mad at me?.

My favorite weirdly right-wing coded delusion is this belief they have that all food is supposed to catch fire and burn into a little pile of ash like a cartoon. Except for American cheese, which is supposed to turn into a perfectly melted cheese sauce after being blowtorched lol.

Our company promises to never going to sell your data. We're just collecting it because having data is our special interest 🥺.

My Chemical Romance doesn't play "Cubicles" live because they're afraid to play the only actually emo song that they wrote.

If I walk too much, my legs feel exhausted and sore. If I don't walk enough, my legs feel stiff and sore. What I have learned from this is that my legs hurt.

bro, you didn't know "be kind" and "love your family" until 2025? you just learned that. ?.

Not too concerned about the nazi salute lady. My most reactionary opinion is that the inherent violence within fascist ideology demands it's adherents to be able to back it up. So I'm not really too scared about a nazi that looks like they couldn't even bench press the bar. .

All the comments on old songs on Youtube are always going "This was my favorite song when it came out." "Still listening in 2025." "They don't make music this good anymore.". No one ever comments like "This shit sucks. Just came here to remind myself how bad this song is.".

"Moondance" by Van Morrison is so aurally offensive to my ears that I could be convinced that it's existence alone is an argument for the fact that recorded music in general should have never been invented at all.

this was sooo smart of me last night. .

damn, that shit makes me want to go on the computer!!.

sorry, liberals. looks like you're going to have to eat your avocado toast inside today 😂😂😂

We need to gather our top scientists and give them unlimited funding to create:. 1) Shelf stable food that provides complete daily nutrition.2) Medication that makes you fall asleep within 5 minutes.3) Twice yearly injection that blocks your brain from thinking about death.