i dont have time for this

we got nominated for an Emmy today. last picture unrelated

if i saw a dog alone in a hot car, i’d immediately break the window and put more dogs in there. dog party up in that bitch.

[talking to Death] mmmmm not a big chess guy. do u got jenga.

[trying to insult a guy I can find no flaws with] haha. bro’s late for the gumdrop smile contest.

[over drive thru intercom] pull forward to the window. i fucking dare you to pull up to the window. im with 90 guys andwe’re gonna kill you at the window.

flying across the country to give my father the heimlich maneuver. hang in there big dog.

brooklyn is full of guys who are balding in the specific way a wizard does when they’ve been gripped with madness.

something freeing about the thought of being killed with a laser. ain’t nothin I can do about that.

another day at the peloton factory rubbing my bare ass on all the pelotons.

i always walk around with an empty turtle shell just in case I see a naked turtle. then I could wave it around and go “oh bet you’d looooove this huh” and throw it in a fire or something.

got my dog microchipped so if he runs away I can just press a button and he’ll explode.

i’m on the kiss cam putting a baby in it.

sucks that 1-800-GAMBLER is for gambling addiction and not a direct hotline to the baddest playas in the game.

i love the burbank airport it’s like if planes took off from a nursing home.

im in the back of the waymo practicing my stroke game.

made some calls. kathie lee and hoda are safe.

oh what the hell. my big sign that shows the number of friends in the world just went down by 2.

[to the grocery store greeter] y’all fucked up and let a fox in the hen house.

lol in the bathroom hearing insane shitting punctuated by the email-sent whoosh every 10 seconds. my man simply cannot stop cooking.

walking around the airport holding a loose steering wheel.