I’m not one for stereotypes, but I’m starting to think I am a bad driver.

Catherine O’Hara in the first Home Alone movie is, despite her actions, the chicest mom I could imagine as a child

Signing off emails with “goodbye forever”

I refuse to glow up again today.

We all got that one homie won’t go til he get some figgy pudding

how tf y'all start a christmas song w "you better watch out" watch fucking what

I was just told to get rid of my desk air fryer. What am I supposed to do with my mini tacos? Use my desk microwave? Get real.

Yes officer, I was going too fast, but to be fair, Carol of the Bells kind of slaps

The quiet death of Twitter is the funny accounts disappearing one by one.

If you survived the Hatchimal Christmas season of 2016 you can survive anything.

There’s not a lot of instances where you can say it’s better to be an adult vs. a child. But, right now, after the Thanksgiving holiday, my kid is being graded on rollerblading in PE.

When it comes to mistakes, I have you beaten in both quantity and quality.

I can’t believe we have to go to work on Cyber Monday.

replacing background checks with astrology

Not here to be liked I just wanna say shit

Why not shoot the messenger? It'd provide temporary relief from the pain and shock of the message

I don't know where I am or what day it is. It was a good nap.

I don’t repost myself, but by god, this still holds true one year later.

I need to wear a shirt to the Browns game today that says “I’m not a hot dog vendor. I brought these from home.” #DawgPound #HotDogs

When I was nine I wished bad things on this kid named Robert who bullied me relentlessly, and now he’s in jail, so just be patient