Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash.

RT @jojipaints: don’t follow me if you hate silly goosery.

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RT @jojipaints: telling him my favorite anime is the Simpsons.

RT @jojipaints: when I’m stopped at a light and cars are going by goin so fast they shake my car, I get spooked :/.

RT @jojipaints: If you see your mistress before dinner, that’s called an affairitivo.

RT @jojipaints: Went to a Michelin-starred restaurant the other night. The server pronounced focaccia like “faux-cow-shuh.” I’ll be taking….

RT @jojipaints: them: ooh you watched my story ;) . me: ahaha yeah it was cool (actually was watching someone else’s and then walked away f….

RT @jojipaints: I will show you guys something very cute if I get to 600.

Therapist: Let’s talk about your childhood . Me: No, Let’s talk about YOUR childhood.

RT @yeeeerika: what if i threw a pierogi at your face.

RT @MisterD78UK: "Well technically I'm fluent in dork and sarcasm so yes, I do happen to speak other languages".*me, flirting.

RT @nova_Corpse: unfollowing some of you for just not tweeting enough, unfollowing some of you for tweeting too much.

RT @DaddyJew: pizza for like the 6th day in a row. i’m basically a teenage mutant ninja turtle.

RT @_indica_sky: at this point i’m pretty sure i died last summer and i’m being forced to keep this body alive as some sort of punishment.

RT @UnIxphysco: Settled in a rocking chair with a book, embracing my inner geezer.

RT @poutinesmoothie: Hallmark movies are porn acting minus the actual porn.

RT @dadmann_walking: Only 6 days until the weekend.

RT @DakHarding: Most of my TikTok today is women shitting on their husband and hating married life.

RT @dadmann_walking: please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers. He left his electronics at my sister's house an hour away and he ha….

My 91 year old grandmother called me the other day to ask me what I thought of pineapples, so I told her I liked them and she said “Pineapples are fucking great” and then she hung up on me and honestly this is just legend behavior.

RT @iamvkhil2: deep down, i am a good person, but it's too deep, and i can't reach.