You know you're getting old when the radio stations and bars play music you don't like, but the supermarket is throwing out banger after banger.

If you're feeling sad go for a run. Nothing puts your mental health in perspective quite like realizing it is the least of your problems as you pant and wheeze through 3 miles.

Me after I started mixing my pre-workout with monster instead of water. On the plus side my HR is 246 before I even get to the gym.

Tried no coffee this morning and learned I'm a violent person. I bit two people. I made burning noises when sunlight hit me. Would not recommend.

I love the women who charge for DMs in their bios. I have a better business model. I charge you to make me stop DMing you.

what is special about me is blue check mark, and I still typo. Sun was in my eyes.

How in taking my last three calls today.

RT @bitzydimbo: retweeting Rob Schneider is an unfollowable offense 😝.

I feel like a large portion of my adult life has been looking for an adulter adult to do my adulting.

RT @EdgarPoop1: Witnessing the miracle of oomf turning wataa into a wine mom account.

My birthday is coming up, so if anyone needs a gift idea I'd really love a few million dollars.

Women keep saying they can’t find a man, while ignoring me sitting right here. This is like starving yourself while staring at half a peanut butter sandwich on the sidewalk, covered in very few ants.

Getting a full 8 hours of sleep is the hottest thing you can do in the bedroom.

Thought I was being smart by microwaving my burrito in a paper towel but what I got was to eat a burrito/paper towel infusion instead.

if Ive learned anything from IG, it's that nothing beats a Jet2 holiday.

I don't believe media/game make you violent, but I do know all Gen X'ers see this shit the same way because of Knight Rider and the Dukes of Hazzard.

I was told when I was young that one day I'd grow up and have feelings for women. They were right, it's just that no one told me that feeling would be confusion mostly.

When a guy says something reckless and it backfires, he says “I was just kidding.” When a woman does the same, she says “Well, it’s how I felt.”. One gaslights with humor, the other waterboards you with emotional justification, and both will stare at you like you’re the one who.

RT @calidaysay: I’ve entered my “what are you gonna do about it?” era.

RT @mahaaaay: first date idea: you unfollow every other girl you follow on twitter.

Qt with glasses