Lord, please protect my penis outline from these pumpkin spice jezebels in this, the holiest of gray sweatpants seasons.

That's a fucking horrible idea. What time did you say?

Business idea: Cooters. Restaurant where all the waitresses have a giant camel toe.

I'm dunking Oreos in bourbon while naked and wearing one sandal. You clearly came to the right place for sex advice.

Im just saying in 100 years when they dig up people from South Florida there are going to be questions about the ass/boob situations.

In my defense I was left unsupervised.

The lion does not concern himself with the clicking noise his shoulder makes when he benches over 250.

A haunted house filled with strangers asking which tattoo hurt the most

Winnie the Pooh knows his 💩. "Oh, won't you take me home tonight?" It's a serious question! 😋 🍑 🫶

My love language involves choking and restraints.

Hey girl, did you just fall from heaven because please have sex with me?

Hey quick question, are you fucking kidding me?

I just read that a woman's most natural shade of lipstick is the color of her nipples and now I'm wondering what you all do at Sephora.

Oh wow. I better DM him. He might be the one! 😍🥰

You're all on notice that Im out of good advice for this year. Till Jan the best I can offer is a piece of my donut dunked in my mug of bourbon.

I just found one of the few pornstar names I know on pornhub under the "mature" section. It's like being slapped in the face.

More than once I partied all night and till an hour before I had to be at work and pulled that shit off. Now if Im not in bed by 9pm it will ruin my month. Not sure what happened.

Every business is like 5 people who do all the work, and 114 people who walk around "focused on building relationships".

Watching MAGA suggesting they deport Bad Bunny is one of those rare moments where there is no ability to satirize the situation. It is already in its most ignorant, uneducated, and absurd form.

I've found that running at night is amazing because the added fear of being murdered by a florida crackhead in the dark knocks minutes off my miles.

My toxic trait is thinking when people complain they are out of shape that they want fitness tips or workouts instead of just complaining and staying out of shape.