Lord, please protect my penis outline from these pumpkin spice jezebels in this, the holiest of gray sweatpants seasons.

Nazi horses were sent to the haygue Good morning, beautiful

i don't freak unless froken to

Imagine hating me and I’m just over here texting your dad trying to be your new stepmom.

Forgive our parents and chill?

In Marvel's multiverse I'd like to think my Christmas songs are pissing someone off somewhere.

Bobby Hill is redneck Pugsly Addams. I will not be taking questions at this time.

Got gracie microchipped. now if she runs away I push a button on my phone and she explodes. I think.

Hobbies: Going home to see my dog, being at home with my dog, wishing I was at home with my dog.

saying you enjoy zip-lines is clear way to let people know you're white.

I can pretend I am paying attention and forget everything you said at the same time. I think ya'll call that multitasking.

5'11" sucks. Shunned by the short, looked down on by the tall. Woe is me, for I am doomed to walk the earth alone.

My OOO auto-reply email goes up next Friday: “I’m out of the office for the holidays. If this is urgent, I deeply regret that you’ve chosen this particular moment to need me.”

God came to me in a dream last night and gave me a new condiment. He said I can’t share it with you until January 2028 though because we have more horrors to endure

Found my spirit animal. https://t.co/gUok67SIng

if this one doesn't work out, please run me over with a car

Went down to Las Olas for the Christmas event. I lasted through the high school cheer team shaking their asses directly at the crowd before I was all done w/ Christmas. Fucking Florida.

If you aren't following Mo, fix that. He solves the real problems.

A candy necklace but it’s chicken nuggets.

From now on the answer to this is your mom's vagina. Every time. From now on. Stop asking.

If I save the plane from a terrorist attack, someone in first better trade seats with me. No way the hero of flight 417 is going back to 17B to battle for arm rests.