Eduardo García-Molina
@eduardo_garcmol
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UChicago PhD candidate in Classics/Anc Hist. Interested in Seleukids, inscriptions, coins, video games, Classics in Latin America, and otters 🇵🇷 🇨🇺 & 🏳️🌈
Chicago
Joined February 2020
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Aristotle, Historia Animalium 7(8) 595a3-5:
"The otter also bites humans and does not surrender, so they say, until it hears the crack of bone."
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"Best friend"? Did an ancient historian write this?
Michael Cera plays Ken’s best friend Allan in Greta Gerwig’s ‘BARBIE.’
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POV: You’re Orpheus and you just looked back
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Kronos devouring his son
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That Cardi B throw is the closest modern approximation we have to Zeus smiting someone with a thunderbolt.
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The Greeks had the myth of Persephone to account for the changing of seasons and we have Mariah Carey.
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Icarus’ last words
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You want me to self check out? The thing that killed Narcissus?
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I was unaware of the Medieval trend of depicting Aristotle being ridden and whipped by a dominatrix named Phyllis to show the power of female sexuality over male intellect. Having just finished a comp exam where I was subjected to too much Aristotle, I'm enjoying these.
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The most big brain, RTS armchair general, tech tree-ass answer.
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Roman senator: “we have guests, go get the fancy tableware”
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Caesar walking into the Senate meeting on the Ides.
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On top of everything else in the world, we now have a Fourth Punic War.
Elephant on the loose spotted outside supermarket in southern Italy
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Pretty crazy I almost said yes to this invite.
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In antiquity, Skittles were actually vibrantly painted.
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Not the first time the leader of the government in Rome refused a Tetrarchy.
Italian prime minister splits with boyfriend after he’s caught asking woman if she wants to have a ‘foursome’
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This is what happens when you take away their natural predator, Ancient Greek heroes.
This is what happens when domestic hogs interbreed with wild hogs . The get larger each generation.
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Microsoft Word every time I start a new footnote:
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People writing final posts on here like they’re Cicero going into exile.
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Polyphemos: "What is your name?"
Odysseus: "Nobody"
Polyphemos:
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It’s time!!!
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Washington 2023 AD Rome 44 BC
🤝
A man was penetrated in a senate
building
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Penelope using the bow and the bed test to ensure it is Odysseus shows how important it is to have a two-factor authentication system in place.
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Thebes after the Sacred Band was decimated at the Battle of Chaeronea, 338 BC.
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No Nut November? Pretty rude of us to dismiss the Egyptian sky goddess, Nut, for a whole month.
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RIP Cicero, you would have liked making 8 hour critical YouTube video essays.
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The Ancient Greeks did have a word for the relationship between Patroklos and Akhilleus, the noun yaos. However, you often see it used in its plural form, yaoi.
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I grew up on these streets
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A joke about the Ides of March? Sure, I’ll take a stab at it.
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A lion breaking out of the Circus near Rome? What year is this, 23 BC?
Residents of Ladispoli, a seaside town near Rome, have been told to stay indoors after a lion escaped from a circus on Saturday. Efforts are underway to capture the animal.
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Not many know that the Library of Alexandria had JSTOR access.
I see JStor now lets you search for academic journals published before the birth of Christ
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Kronos to Zeus:
great. here comes the woke mob to cancel me for killing and eating several people
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The Battle of Aginfoodcourt, 2024 AD (colorized)
This is the type of shit they do at my local mall now that its not rly a place to shop anymore
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Finding pictures for an intro to Homer and stumbled across this horrid inflatable amalgamation of Homers from an art fair in Sydney. If I had to see it on a Sunday morning, you must too.
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I now kind of understand Augustus’ decision to exile Ovid for a poem.
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My photorealistic reconstruction of Alexander the Great.
Based on a variety of literary and numismatic evidence in addition to statuary. Utilized advanced AI to produce.
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The Rides of March.
this looks like it would not feel good at all as a car. unfortunately
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Patroclus dons the armor of Achilles
Justin Bieber, who is nominated for eight awards tonight, has arrived at the
#GRAMMYs
.
📸: Frazer Harrison
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We really failed as a society by not having more seasons of Time Commanders, that show where teams of average people with little familiarity with history or video games controlled armies in Total War.
Should revive it on Twitch and have academics (preferably drunk) comment.
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There’s only one explanation for the social media outage: The Sea Peoples.
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The Hellas region has some interesting Pokémon
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True Fact: Nintendo is actually the gerund in the dative of the Latin verb nintere which means “to hurl a turtle shell at someone.”
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Gallic tribesmen in the Alps when they hear elephant noises coming from a nearby pass, 218 BCE (colorized)
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Babe, what’s wrong? You haven’t picked up the Aristophones.
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Couples costume sorted for the Classics Halloween party next week.
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Just in time for Valentine's Day!
Here's a thread of some Classics-themed Valentine's Cards for you all.
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Caesar wouldn’t have died if the Senate held their meeting via Zoom
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Face reconstruction of Roman emperor Elagabalus (c.218-222 CE).
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Roman soldier stationed at Hadrian’s Wall on Grindr: “Picts?”
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She was immortal bullying a 1 year old.
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I can say these jokes, I am an ancient historian.
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If Twitter does collapse, I’m blaming the Sea Peoples.
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Eurydike: “We’re almost there! Remember what Hades said, dear husband.”
Orpheus:
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Cicero talking about the court case
▶🔘──────── 00:05
Cicero talking about himself
▶🔘──────── 4:58:24
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I have solved a mystery plaguing Roman archaeologists for centuries but find my theories being silenced by Big Archa.
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Et tu, Glute(n)?
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60 AD: Affairs in Britannia are chaotic and there is political tumult in Italia.
2022 AD: Affairs in Britannia are chaotic and there is political tumult in Italia.
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Why was I not informed there is a Roman-style colosseum in the Sinnoh region?!
That's it, I'm doing the Pokémon teams of historical figures.
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Don’t be silly, this clearly represents Aristophanes’ concept of love and the physical body of primordial humanity before Zeus split us in twain and doomed us to eternally seek out our other half.
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Academic Rule 34: If it exists, a German wrote about it in the 19th century.
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Heading to Barranquilla to weep at her feet like Caesar weeping at the feet of a statue of Alexander.
New statue of Shakira in her hometown of Barranquilla, Colombia.
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The existence of a livestream implies the existence of a deadstream, otherwise known as Styx.
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In the year 2023 the phrase “I Can Has Cheezburger?” feels just as old if not older than “Veni, Vidi, Vici”
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Me: “This drink is so watered down…”
The Ancient Greek bartender who made it: “Awww thank you!”
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Being a gay Hispanic ancient historian who knows Latin, it means I can utter the phrase "Think, bitch, think" as "puta, puta, puta."
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If you’re the first member in your family to be openly gay, you’re granted recognition as a novus homo.
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Rating beauty by how many ships your face would launch, otherwise known as your shippability.
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Romans finding Greek art when they sack a city.
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Romulus ascending to the heavens as he inspected his troops on the Campus Martius.
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Set up a shrine for the household gods so they are properly appeased and your household remains prosperous.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: Oh, that’s when the Sea Peoples invaded.
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Now I understand my colleague’s disappointment when I said I was working on Hellenistic seals and had to explain I meant the objects for documents and not this:
This Mediterranean Monk Seal relaxing in the early morning on Samos Island in Greece.
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I love this quote from Medea
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Cicero: *starts speaking*
Roman senators in the audience:
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If I can get a bit personal. I was outed to my grandparents by a family member without my consent about two years ago. Two years later, my grandparents take every opportunity to ask how my partner of ten years is doing.
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gay people are like “she saved my life” and it's Ancient Near Eastern Vessel with Two Feet, ca. 1000-800 B.C.E.
Gay people are like “she saved my life” and it's Tanya from Mamma Mia!
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My face reconstruction of Roman Emperor Elagabalus
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