a
@aallleeexxxxxx1
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me when the doordash person knocks instead of just leaving the food there
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hi i’m alex and i will be ur server tn. before we start, are u mad at me?
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this illusion would never trick me. like it’s so obvious to me that it’s not a real book
In Budapest, there is a fountain that looks like an open book. At regular intervals, a sheet of water curves to one side to give the illusion of a page being turned
📹 Da Min
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
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i think it is simply beautiful when a man is able to look past my mental illness and love me for my boobs
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i want to be engaged after 2 years of dating soooo bad
Zoë Kravitz and Channing Tatum are engaged after 2 years of dating, People reports.
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when a man is annoying me, i hate that. but when i am annoying to a man, i think that’s something to get excited about
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thinking one of your coworkers is hot may seem fun at first, but unfortunately it is illegal
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i am going to become completely sober from alcohol! but not all the time. like not if there’s something fun going on that night or if i feel like i need to have a drink
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one time at a frat party in college i kept turning on & off the lights in the hallway while waiting for the bathroom and being like “wtfff who is doing that!!?” no one could figure it out. then one guy got so frustrated about it he punched a hole in the wall and then i stopped
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What's your first tweet when you search for "hate" in your page?
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me to my irl friends: yeah, the side of twitter i’m on is just suuuch a specific style of comedy i don’t think you’d really get it
the tweets i like: just shit my pants
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*during sex* him: tell me what you want me to do
me: i want you to retweet me for once… you retweet all your friends and sometimes other women but never me i don’t get it you say i’m funny but no RT’s???
him: you are squeezing my penis like a stress ball
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today is the first day of my journey towards self-care and stability. tomorrow, who knows, i may not want to do that anymore
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maybe life will get better if i drink 5 beers under 20 minutes
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before i unbutton my shirt and expose my bosoms u must solve 3 riddles
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of course girl i literally do not care what happens to me
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one of my most vivid memories from childhood is dialing random numbers on my parent’s landline with the intention of eventually reaching Britney Spears
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i don’t know if i’m meant to find someone and get married… but i’m definitely meant to be on my phone and act insane
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if i had a boyfriend i would definitely frame him for a serious crime once i got bored of him
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i have decided to never make a mistake ever again. just something im excited about
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if jack harlow asked me out on a date i would say no. if nathan fielder asked me out on a date i would say yes
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this was my first time ever going viral. i thought this happened every time you go viral …. everything was a disappointment after this…. i never felt fulfilled again……
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just had 1 white claw should i ask my ex if he still jerks it to my knockers
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miss him so much i wish i could airlift him to my house like this injured swiss cow
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i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
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this kid i went to college with posted this picture of his wedding on fb and i saved it to my phone and look at it every single day
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i am once again bringing back this picture my mom took of adam sandler in hawaii
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this looks like it would not feel good at all as a car. unfortunately
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omg babe everything u just said about football was really right. can u go clean ur pee off the toilet seat now
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when a relationship doesn’t work out it’s usually the fuglier person’s fault
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this is what i imagine someone would look like if they were melting or made of silly putty
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just realized you can do other things besides have a crush, like go for a walk or draw a picture
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who literally the fuck is morgan wallen. im high and this is scaring me so much
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going to get hotter this year.. like in a way that makes you freak out and bash your head into a wall
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if i had a boyfriend i would absolutely send him a text or two
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not the slightest clue who i am or what i want .. in case you were wondering
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my sexual orientation can be described as liking 1 man every 5 years
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i love a hot guy who tweets like he’s addicted to benadryl and has nothing to lose
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me sexting a man: i hope you had a sexy day today. lemme see your noodle
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instead of drinking heavily ive started doing this on the weekends
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why is every girl’s middle name Marie? aren’t you guys sick of it? i’m drunk
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unfortunately im not like the biggest fan of having to get up and do things
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