Robert Webb
@arobertwebb
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Following
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361
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Jez in Peep Show, Andrew in Back, Webb in Mitchell & Webb, author of How Not To Be a Boy and Come Again. Best Strictly dropout since Will Young.
London
Joined March 2009
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Come on guys, show some respect. Her name is Female Presenter. The whole Presenter family are lovely and Female herself makes great brownies
Andrew Neil steps down from Sunday Politics as female presenter takes the helm
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This much laundry wasn’t supposed to be done. The drawers can’t cope. X laundry should always stay in laundry baskets. I have disrupted the delicate ecosystem of the house and am ashamed.
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Think my proudest professional moments were working with fellow dad Rik Mayall & winning that Bafta with fellow dad David Mitchell.
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Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
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Happy Birthday to Walcott, the England and Everton forward who today celebrates his thirtieth.
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@piersmorgan
It needn’t be considered a duty. If you didn’t catch Peep Show over 12 years then fair enough. You were busy. For example, publishing fake front page pictures of UK servicemen urinating on Iraqi prisoners. You caused harm. You got mugged and sacked.
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Eleven years since this and still no CBE. This is getting ridiculous.
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It's also called 'stoicism' or 'courage'. I've seen men & women do it all my life without lamely disparaging others or requiring a medal.
UPDATE: I'll be co-hosting
@GMB
tomorrow with 3 broken ribs. For the more fragile snowflakes among you, this is called 'manning up'. 👊👊
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Very sad to be leaving. Huge thanks to Dianne for being so brilliant and to everyone for watching (and voting!)
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I see all those indignant blue ticks who said Rowling had ‘weaponised’ her abuse and deserved no sympathy have found their moral level staring back at them today. Take a good look guys.
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Tea, snooker and not having the death penalty for children. Sorry, that's three but I didn't want to keep you waiting.
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Right then…
Award-winning actor, comedian, author and soon-to-be ballroom dancer. Welcome Robert Webb to
#Strictly
!🕺
@arobertwebb
👉
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A year today since I gave up crack and ran to Windsor. (It wasn’t crack, it was cigarettes and alcohol, both of which I found really very moreish. And I am yet to run to Windsor in one go but I have covered an equivalent distance in lots of go’s). Happy Soberversary to me! 🎂🕺🏆
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My secret fear is that lockdown ends and my life is basically the same.
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52/48. Ok, that’s conclusive. I’m putting on a jumper, dismantling the boiler and heating the house by setting fire to it.
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Happy Birthday Peep Show! [airhorn]
Peep Show - written by
@JesseArmstrong1
&
@SamBainTV
, and starring
@RealDMitchell
&
@aRobertWebb
- is 15 years-old today:
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Hey secondary schools, you know we said we wanted you to set things up so you could test all the kids for Covid, like tomorrow? Yeah no, instead we want six weeks of remote tuition, like tomorrow.
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I AM FORTY-EIGHT YEARS OLD. For my birthday, I seem to have taken a picture that allows you to imagine I am your bearded child. Or maybe your parent. This is weird. Anyway 🎂
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Oh wow, someone should have reminded me. Theo Walcott’s 30th birthday means that technically, if you wanted to... you could sum that up in a headline by saying...
THREE-OH WALCOTT!
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I know Sir Digby, Numberwang etc have their admirers but this is obviously our only famous sketch. Glad it makes itself useful.
PS, Patel is a disgraced dullard and her speech was an affront.
nicky morgan and matt hancock discuss priti patel’s speech.
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This with bells on.
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Btw, any actors wondering how it feels to wake up & find an exact contemporary just won an Oscar - they’d just better bloody well be Olivia Colman. As long as they’re as lovely, funny, hardworking & absurdly gifted as well as a mate for 26 years - you’ll feel just fine.
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I am 49 years old today. Spending it doing quite a lot of Tango in a glamorous semipermanent marquee structure while wearing The Posturizer™️
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I genuinely think it would mean more to this team if Jez from Peep Show said it. So...
Well done England you lovely fuckers! I loved it when you scored or nearly did. You’ve got to have a team, right? Bang on. Come on home you horny athletes! Nice. Super nice.
Well done
@England
on the fantastic achievement of reaching the
#WorldCup
semi-finals. It wasn’t to be this time, but you played like lions and made us all so proud. 🦁🦁🦁
#ThreeLions
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Lockdown week
#whatever
and 8 yr old has listed her 10 yr old sister’s ‘crimes’. These include ‘singing’, ‘being obsessed with anime’ and ‘calling me a turd’.
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Forty-seven. That’s not really ‘mid forties’ anymore is it? Anyway, I am that today. Late forties. I am trying to make it sound dignified in my head.
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I'm sorry Sean but that is *not* Numberwang.
Finally the new White House tweets something inoffensive.
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Just look at these awful twats.
So committed to Brexit are members of the Conservative and Unionist Party that they would be willing to see Scotland (63%) and Northern Ireland (59%) leave the UK in order to secure it.
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Dad would have been 75 today. I won’t have a pint with you mate because I’ve stopped drinking (see: your liver & what was starting to happen to mine) but I will raise a lime & soda while shouting at the news x
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I only deconstruct masculinity for comic & political effect via my childhood once every 44 years so don't miss it.
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While a surgeon was mending my heart in November 2019, the crew of Back series 2 and the cast who were in that morning (David, Olivia & Loo) stood in the cold to take this. It was waiting for me when I got home from hospital. You beauties. Back series 2, 10pm Ch4 tonight x
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Calling yourself a feminist is not a test of character. But skipping bail & hiding from rape accusations for 5 years... that takes a maggot.
Women, I will let you in on a male secret. Men know that constantly self-proclaiming male 'feminists' are often predatory sleaze bags. They are intensely disliked by other men because of their manipulative qualities and not, in general, because they are viewed to be sex traitors.
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No.2 ffs. Who is this... "Hilary Clinton"? Was she even in Peep Show? No. She wasn't even in Peep Show. Outrageous.
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“I ask you to kill Superman and you can’t even do that one simple thing.”
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There should be an app or game like Football Manager but for the theatre. In Theatre Director you choose from 400,000 actors and cast them in a play or musical. And then see how long it runs before it closes. You can also choose which critics to ban.
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Thanks to everyone who voted for our creepy Tango. Next week is movie week where apparently Greg will be James Bond and I will be Kermit. Yeah right. If you say so.
#strictly
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Peep Show series 1 fans will be pleased to hear God is currently on BBC4 and it’s absurdly restful.
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Smart 14 yr old right here and a brave lass. We’re all different, all flawed, all beautiful. Go Nicky 🕺👍🦋
The Telegraph is supporting
@FaceEquality
for our Christmas Charity Appeal.
Call 0800 117 118 today to donate - and talk to your favourite Telegraph journalist
#TelegraphChristmasAppeal
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I’m still hopeful that Biden can win, just slightly concerned that he’ll have died of old age by the time his votes are counted.
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Quick Ginger! To the slotties! Dun Dela Dun Dela Dun Dela Dun...🎶
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Women are equally funny. They just don’t do it with guys like you around.
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One of the reasons Roger has enough time to go to a radio studio just to defend a dimwitted & horrible joke is that despite his twitter handle, he isn’t an MEP anymore. Indeed, his official capacity in the public square appears to be ‘some lying old prick’.
I’ve just been on LBC, defending Arron Banks’ Tweet re Greta Thunberg, which has generated a tsunami of synthetic outrage. But if the Swedish Pixie chooses to put herself in the public square, and to set up an absurd transatlantic stunt, she must expect legitimate comment.
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PUBLICATION DAY SOFT TINKLING BELL. Middle-aged widow time travels back to 1992 and tries to save future dead husband when he is an annoying student. Grief, nostalgia, jokes, car-chase, new love, renewal, joy.
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So... quite funny.
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I have to renew mine quite soon so I guess it will be the iconic burgundy for me till 2028. By which time it may have become clear that this whole thing was, at the very best, a criminally extravagant waste of time & money.
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Allowing 8yr old access to an old iPhone (severely air-planed, cleaned up & restricted) & of course she’s immediately found the ancient Concise Oxford Dictionary app & is joyfully looking up rude words. The technology changes but other things never will. Proud.
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Oh good - a whole other hour to enjoy my insomnia. I was worried I might have to rush it.
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I didn’t have a bad time at school but those ‘Back to Skool’ signs in shop windows give me the fear.
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Lots of people replying to a tweet I didn’t write. I’m not talking about people who just disagree with JKR. I’m talking about people who dismissed her abuse as an irrelevance or a tactic. This is the tabloid shitstain level at which they operate and here we are.
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All you have to do to be this good looking when you’re 52 is to be as good looking as Guy Pearce was when he was 23 when you were 23. You can @ me about nutrition and exercise if you like but let’s not kid ourselves.
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Someone else who peaked at Eton and needs to keep reliving it.
ITV News exclusive:
@Jacob_Rees_Mogg
issues new style guide to his staff demanding male MPs are called Esq, the use of imperial measurements and which words are banned (but not 'not fit for purpose'), reports
@PaulBrandITV
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Yes, he was constantly lashing out at ‘whiners’. That’s definitely the main thing I’ll remember about Professor Hawking. Couldn’t abide them. Also some very strong views on the pedestrianisation of Norwich city centre.
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So glad 4 DVD changed their logo just in time for series 9. Luckily I'm not OCD or anything. WHY DID THEY DO THAT?
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Is it science or balls, the thing about counting between the lightning & thunder to tell how far away the middle of the storm is? Also can someone do a podcast called Science or Balls? “Well, interestingly Sandy, this one is actually partly science but partly balls.”
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London sky currently a kind of satanic sepia. Something to do with the Sahara desert or Brexit or something. REMAIN INDOORS.
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Criminal networks are being closed down, victims offered our love & support. None of this involves 'reeling' you silly twats.
The London attacks hit a nation still reeling from the shock of the bombing in Manchester almost 2 weeks ago
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Yay! Thanks very much Mark! I didn’t dream it!
@arobertwebb
@GaryLineker
Here you go Robert, dug out from the archives. Complete with
@RealDMitchell
and *that* celebration
@SoccerAM
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I find this attitude just completely insane.
Morning, if we're going to do it TODAY'S THE DAY! We will of course keep you posted. Lou L
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As it happens, March 29th my is also my first draft deadline. So when I keep hearing things like ‘only 16 days left’ on the news it’s difficult to avoid the feeling this whole thing was always about me. Thanks news.
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Off the top of my head I can think of 7 gay friends I'd be happy to babysit my kids. Catholic priests, not so much.
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Looks like it. I grew up with Conservative grandparents & they wouldn’t have the slightest issue with this language. It’s just that it’s 2019 and equating girls with cowardice is normal for the 92k folks who elected him but sounds really weird to the rest of us. Oh dear.
I'm no lip reader, but is this: 'Call an election, you great big girls blouse'?
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I must say my faith in both MI5 and tippex have taken quite a knock.
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I’m beginning to wonder if the song Ebeneezer Goode was really about “a mythical clubland character” and was actually something to do with drugs. I’ll keep you posted as my thinking on this evolves.
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Hudson, Mitchell, Webb, Holness, Colman, Freeman. The cast of Bruiser at the turn of the century. Also some other friendly chap. No idea.
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I hugely and gigantically enjoyed Upstart Crow
@UpstartCrowPlay
at the Gielgud theatre last night starring
@RealDMitchell
who like Felicity Kendal is both funny and attractive. Brilliant performances all round and the whole thing is a massive lark. Hooray!
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Kids! Those conkers have been blown off too early. They are NOT ready. REPEAT. The conkers are NOT ready.
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Week made. Boys can be tough AND gentle; caring AND brave; boisterous AND beautiful. They can laugh when amused & cry when it hurts. And I don’t care if they do it in a bloody tiara. The first thing they need is a dad with excellent taste in books.
#HNTBAB
My little boy put his sister’s necklace on. I resisted suggesting he didn’t.
@arobertwebb
thank you.
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If Nazis and Islamist extremists could find an uninhabited island to discuss their cretinous beliefs with guns that would be fine by me.
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We all make mistakes (& going out with this guy is a biggie) but when this horrible piece of work becomes PM I’m going to feel sorry for Carrie Symonds. Get out, mate. The rest of us don’t have a choice.
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From tonight I’ll be offering myself to the gods of light entertainment for as long as they’ll have me.
#Strictly
at 7.45 tonight BBC1
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This morning we are getting our Miele washing machine fixed so I sang Here Comes The Miele Man to the tune of The Human League’s Mirror Man in an attempt to amuse my wife. She gave a sort of encouraging nod like if I was pleased to get a crossword clue she knew was wrong.
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I know most people understand but the coronadodge where I walk out into the middle of the road when someone is coming the other way still feels a bit rude. I would smile at them but worry that might come off as sarcasm.
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I just off down the no go zone for a pint of milk & some arson. Anyone need anything?
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When you haven’t been to the dentist for far too long and get away with NO TREATMENT. Ooh feel it 🕺
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Grimsby voted 70% leave. For those who screwed everyone & now seek exemptions for themselves there’s a special place in Grimsby.
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Snazzy review of last night’s show. Might treat myself to a Lilt.
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This is a hoot. Love the way
@ReeceShearsmith
is just doing his thing to start with but then zeroes in on PK without mercy. That look in his eye - elite corpse hunter.
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I expect the PM’s press conference went well. Such a clever man what with all that Latin. And I expect nearly dying of covid19 has made him value the important things - he’s probably even more brave and honest than ever. Yep. I’ll just check...
He just took a fuck up, fucked it up a little more, then added a good healthy dollop of extra fuck up, and rolled it right on out there.
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Fun fact: Kellogg’s suggested a line change in the Gog Crunchy Nut Cornflakes intimidation scene. They wanted “very expensive as I recall” to become “ludicrously tasty as I recall”. Ch4 politely declined. Kellogg’s gave permission anyway.
#PeepShow
at 15: the unique POV comedy that turned convention on its head
@RealDMitchell
@arobertwebb
@RealMattKing
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Oh OK then! Theo Walcott has entered his thirty-first year. Happy Birthday.
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Olivia Colman has narrated the audiobook of Come Again. She was the cheapest available Oscar winner.
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Outside in shorts and a t-shirt and I’m delighted to announce that I’m slightly cold.
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The volume on the cassette player needs to be at about two thirds or Bombjack won’t load.
Without revealing your age, what’s something you remember in gaming that if you told a younger person they wouldn’t understand?
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I wrote this about life and death. Next week: biscuits.
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Oh ffs. Single, blended & same-sex families might all include fathers. But let’s set up a ‘PC gone mad’ nonsense to have a fit with before breakfast. Grrr.
Is it time to ban father’s day?
With a rise in single parent, blended and same sex families, is it time to get more inclusive and appreciate parents all year round?
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