David Mitchell
@RealDMitchell
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Following
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This is the David Mitchell who's in Peep Show and things, not the novelist or the Cumbrian origamist.
London
Joined January 2009
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Last Seen Profiles
I’m not convinced my new toaster can quite deliver everything it promises.
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There’s currently an annoying helicopter circling around while I’m trying to work. I assume it’s the police checking that, as per the latest government guidance, everyone’s doing whatever the fuck they like.
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Thanks so much for all the nice messages about what I said on last night’s
#HIGNFY
. I’m so glad it struck a chord.
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I was very shocked and sad to hear of the death of Sean Lock. It was always a privilege and inspiration to work with him. The world should have had many years more of his hilarious creativity. RIP.
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What are all those chairs doing in the way? Why did they do the photo in the chair storage corner? Who is running this fucking country?
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This is terribly sad news. He was a wonderful comedian and a really lovely man and I feel honoured to have known and worked with him. The world has been robbed - he had years more joy to give.
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I’ve signed this and, now I know that
@theresa_may
is on my side, I’m pretty sure she has too.
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If I ever become a tyrannical dictator (fingers crossed), THIS is the portrait I want compulsorily put up in all offices, town halls, hospitals and classrooms.
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I’m sorry to announce that a show full of lies is being rescheduled to make room for some debates between politicians.
#templateforajoke
Hello. We're sorry to say that due to schedule changes to make room for election debates, we're now going to be off air for the next four Fridays. Looks like we'll be back on Friday 20th December. More news as we have it - missing you already..
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If it’s so easy and quick, why the enormous sense of triumph?
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Why put such a positive spin on it? It's not as honest as a bribe. This is a bribe using other people's money.
Let's not mince our words. The Tories have literally bribed their way into government.
#DUPCoalition
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This is sad! They did some really brilliant dancing, I thought. Sorry there won't be more. And to those asking if I'll be stepping in to replace him: I'm afraid not. I prefer to dance like nobody's watching. And I can only do that if nobody's watching.
Very sad to be leaving. Huge thanks to Dianne for being so brilliant and to everyone for watching (and voting!)
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Well this is an unexpected honour.
OK folks, we have a super important question for you.
What is your favourite comedy
#danceGIF
?
We rather like this one from the time Mark Corrigan (
@RealDMitchell
) went all avant-garde...
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Whoever wrote this has ridiculous expectations of people’s capacity to find joy in things.
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The lengths he’ll go to to get someone to suck his fingers.
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“On second thoughts, let’s not call it Kodak.”
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Nice to see this terrible advert again. A few questions: 1) Why not just let her read it? It’ll only take a second. 2) How come she’s so incredibly strong? 3) Why do the bridesmaids give so much of a shit? Is it a forced marriage and they’re in the pay of the bride’s father?
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I'm so proud to have known Barry Cryer. He was a brilliant man and a bringer of huge joy who never stopped being delighted by comedy. What an amazing life.
Here’s Barry Cryer at our wedding. How young we all were! Except Barry, obviously.
I was so proud to have him there, and it made my father feel closer. He was a lovely lovely man and this is a very sad day.
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I think this is a savage metaphor for the human condition.
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Come to think of it, “Co-Vid” would be quite a good name for one of those Skype/Zoom-style online meetings apps that are suddenly all the rage.
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Well that's that then. There's only one thing for it: I'm going to try and pretend I don't mind.
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Ooh look, Lego Worlds are ripping off That Mitchell and Webb Look! I hope this means they’re going to take a relaxed view of the children’s interlocking block system I’m launching.
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Nine months ago, we were doing Upstart Crow in the West End. Then it suddenly closed along with every other play in Britain. I was so sad. I still am, but I'm proud and happy that we've got a Christmas special on
@BBCTwo
on Monday night. Next year, I hope, back on stage.
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Oh no! First most of the shops have to close and now retail sales have crashed! The separate pieces of bad news just KEEP COMING!
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Well, I call on him to ignore the urging. But what if someone then urges that he ignores my call? I suppose I could urge that that urge to ignore the call to ignore the urge to ignore the initial calls itself be ignored. And it’s something to do, which is nice.
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Wow. This country would be in a much better state if all politicians’ claims were scrutinised as relentlessly as
@RalfLittle
has done here with
@Jeremy_Hunt
’s.
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There’s always one where they forget to photoshop out my tattoo.
@UpstartCrowPlay
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I have just signed this petition which is requesting a public vote on the final Brexit deal. I mean, I don’t expect we’ll get one, but there’s no harm in asking. If you’re worried about Brexit, why not sign and then you’ll feel you’ve done something.
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They said the blue ticks were going to disappear, but mine hasn't. It's mind games. For the avoidance of doubt, I didn't pay for it - so I'm still the product, not the customer.
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An interesting new take on this very very old joke: write it out so it doesn't work.
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People are asking if there'll be any more
#UpstartCrow
and I'm happy to say there's a Christmas Special for 2018 starring Kenneth Branagh! We'd also love to make a fourth series, but that's up to the BBC. So fingers crossed, as Shakespeare said. I'm pretty sure that's one of his.
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Things you find yourself Googling when writing about Boris Johnson.
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My
@ObsNewReview
column today calls on Liz Truss to do everything she can to
#FreeNazanin
, because otherwise what on earth is the point of being Foreign Secretary?
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Why do people keep comparing Love Island with Oxbridge? It’s like comparing the Eurovision Song Contest with getting an ISA.
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Some people have asked which way I'll be voting in tomorrow's referendum. I'm going to vote to remain in the EU, as you probably expected.
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Just got out of a cold shower and found myself singing the phrase “I’m briefly not too hot” to the tune of “Where did you get that hat”.
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There’s a picture of me on the front page of the Times! Ahead of all the rich foreign criminals the UK is failing to tackle! And I bet some of them look AMAZING.
#UpstartCrow
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Upstart Crow Lockdown 1603 starts in 4 mins and I hope you’ll watch. I’m so proud of being involved with it and not exclusively because of my all-consuming narcissism.
@WhelanGemma
is brilliant and Ben Elton’s script is very funny but also wise and comforting. I hope you like it.
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LAST EVER Peep Show readthrough today. I promise I will shave before we start shooting.
http://t.co/T7r6oidoNX
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I recently met Carrie Fisher and chatted briefly. She was wonderful. I can't imagine how much those who knew her well will miss her.
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Look! I have put tens of thousands of words in an unprecedented order and this autumn they’ll be available in portable form.
We're delighted to announce a new book from
@RealDMitchell
, Dishonesty is the Second-Best Policy: And Other Rules to Live By, publishing 7 November 2019.
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I'm thrilled to announce that I’ll be reprising my role as Will Shakespeare in
#BenElton
’s critically acclaimed
#UpstartCrow
in an all-new comic play IN THE WEST END! From 7 Feb 2020
@DMTWestEnd
Gielgud Theatre, tickets now on sale:
@UpstartCrowPlay
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This photo is also an excellent illustration of the seven stages of doing a shit.
Body Stories is back! And this time it's these incredible MEN stripping off to talk body confidence!
#MyBodyMyStory
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Getting your exam results today? Here's some relentless negativity from an establishment figure.
#alevelresults2018
#UpstartCrow
And now a message from the greatest writer of all time for
#alevelresults2018
@RealDMitchell
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Last day on
#peepshow
for Olivia Colman today. I must admit I am feeling some emotions.
http://t.co/9tawstpN69
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“I’m still not sure we’ve made it clear that these are Black Friday offers.”
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This thread by
@PatricKielty
is so incisive, it’s actually a needle. And it’s made me even less glad about Brexit, which I didn’t previously think possible.
Dear
@BorisJohnson
,
There is no better Brexit when it comes to the Good Friday Agreement and Northern Ireland. As you still seem bamboozled by all this Paddywackery here’s a few pointers for your next stab in the dark -
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If, like me, you’re into signing things online in the hope of stopping Brexit, here’s another one you can do:
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In honour of the LAST EVER EPISODE OF PEEP SHOW (tonight, 10pm, C4), here's Mark looking lonely outside his flat.
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11 months after we started filming, we’ve finally wrapped on the second series of Back! Don’t know when it’ll be on TV but that’s a step up from don’t know IF it’ll be on TV.
@Channel4
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I’m very pleased to announce that the Christmas Special of
#UpstartCrow
, which stars EMMA THOMPSON (I make no apology for those capitals), is going to be on
@BBCTwo
at 8.25pm on CHRISTMAS DAY (I’m equally unashamed of those)!
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Somehow the bunny doesn't look as incongruous as it might have done in previous administrations.
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If communities secretary James Brokenshire becomes prime minister, will he change his name to James Fuckedcountry?
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Alan Davies news! He is no longer the person tweeting from
@alandavies1
. That is an imposter who is attempting to elicit donations in Bitcoin! Alan can’t regain control of the account due to the exciting new way Twitter is run. But you can now find him here:
@alandaviescomic
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Do you think there’s ever been a French restaurant called Horses For Courses?
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I was just lucky enough to see the last matinee of the wonderful and hilarious
@PalladiumPanto
and, heartless robot though I am, I was extremely moved at the end. The West End is magical and amazing. God bless and save it.
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*clears throat, taps on glass* May I have your attention please? My next tweet will contain an announcement about something I am going to do. Please by all means look at it.
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@alexleethomson
@arobertwebb
If you look at the angle the hearse is parked at in the background, it might give you a clue about what’s happening.
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I’m very pleased to announce that this year’s
#UpstartCrow
Christmas Special, starring Kenneth Branagh, will be broadcast on
@BBCTwo
at 8.35pm ON CHRISTMAS DAY!! In the meantime, all 19 previous episodes are currently on
@BBCiPlayer
.
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Meanwhile, at 9pm today on
@Channel4
I’ll be taking part in the Big Fat Quiz of the Year 2017, in which we’ll be taking a festive, Christmassy and tinsel-strewn look at all the current massive geopolitical crises.
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The below tweet wrongly states that this week's episode of
@WILTY_TV
is on half an hour earlier than last week's, when of course that would be insane. It is in fact on 167.5 hours later. That's 8pm today on
@BBCOne
.
This Friday,
@BBCOne
, 8pm. HALF AN HOUR earlier than last week, so don't forget! With
@hollywills
, Suggs,
@angellicabell
and
@RealBobMortimer
. Spread the word.
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To those tweeters who tell me to “stick to comedy”: please do not read my Observer/
@ObsNewReview
column. I have not stuck to it. I have become unstuck from it, and have fallen onto the floor of mirthless opinion.
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Hooray! My book is now flimsier and cheaper! Details below.
It's paperback publication day for Dishonesty is the Second-Best Policy, which
@RealDMitchell
has really been looking forward to...
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I was absolutely baffled by this tweet from my wife until the last word thankfully made it clear that she must be talking about cheesemaking.
@SenseiChanning
@MattStoutPoker
Never come across that. But on first glance I’d say it would surely be more fun with no qualifier and a declare. Otherwise how do you scoop? It’s a down side of Archie for me, but in this you couldn’t even make a wheel?
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Today is Black Friday, a day invented to strong arm people who are terrible at gift buying into making foolish purchases. That being said my book Unruly is currently half price on Amazon and might go down better than socks or marzipan:
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Bloody hell - what is it that Michael Gove knows about Boris Johnson?!
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"Honoured" and "humbled" have precisely opposite and mutually contradictory meanings.
Theresa May 'honoured and humbled' to be chosen as Tory leader – politics live
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Want to break up the monotony of Christmas music? Why not listen to me reading out a history book I've written for 11 hours? That will break it up by establishing a NEW monotony! Seven hours in you'll be begging for a return to Mariah Carey.
#Unruly
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My
@ObsNewReview
column today is about a new political movement that pledges to sort everything out. So, if you think things aren’t perfect, you should probably vote for them.
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Thanks so much for all the lovely tweets about last night’s Upstart Crow Christmas Special. I’m thrilled so many people enjoyed it. If you missed it, or want to see it again, it’s now on
@BBCiPlayer
, as are all the previous episodes of the show.
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Do you get a discount if you buy the car that Jeremy Hunt and Rishi Sunak helped make?
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Look! My book has posters on the Tube! Apparently, if you notice a poster for it three times or more while going about your business, you are legally obliged to buy the book. I think that’s the system.
#howpublicityworks
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I was lucky enough to meet Ronnie Corbett a few times and he was a lovely man. A great comedian and a real gentleman. RIP.
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This is frightening on the subject of the blizzard of lies that's on its way.
Re Spicer's lies, this is from someone who worked in a past administration. Important read.
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Announcement:
@RobBrydon
, Lee Mack and I are doing a live show! In September 2019! You can buy tickets NOW, though there’s a tiny but statistically significant chance one or more of us will be dead by then.
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