Tripe Marketing Board
@TripeUK
Followers
22,468
Following
21,590
Media
22,157
Statuses
194,531
Europe's favourite meat-based marketing board. Let's talk tripe!
Preston, UK
Joined October 2012
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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어린이날
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こどもの日
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子供の日
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GW最終日
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予選突破
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Al Jazeera
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#CHEWHU
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Happy Easter
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Cole Palmer
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Noni
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Gallagher
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柱稽古編
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BINGLING THROUGH IT
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سعد اللذيذ
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蜜璃ちゃん
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Pinned Tweet
Quiche Marketing Board Advisory
For a small monetary consideration, we have temporarily changed our profile to help promote a new book called It Started with a Quiche.
It's available here and includes Bill's '10 Top Tips on Being the Mayor of Trumpton.'
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"The good news, Mr President, is we can repair the Crimea Bridge."
"And the bad news?"
"We'll need your table."
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74K
BBC News: "It is not possible to say how Prince Charles contracted coronavirus, due to the number of people he meets on public engagements."
Or, to put it another way, it's not possible to say how many he's transmitted it to.
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We're proud to promote tripe, and no one pays us £229k a year to do it.
What's Laura Kuenssberg's excuse?
#SackLauraK
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BREAKING: UK Govt considers making smoke alarms 'less sensitive'. "As fires become more prevalent, it's going to be annoying having these noisy devices going off all the time," says spokesperson.
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TMB Apology
Yesterday, we issued figures showing that consumption of tripe was at record levels.
These figures were actually from 1954. This was a production error on our part and was certainly not designed to hide the fact that people aren't swallowing our tripe these days.
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BREAKING: UK to ramp up production of tiny violins ahead of nationwide commiseration ceremony.
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The only description of Boris Johnson you'll ever need.
Great stuff from Stewart Lee.
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During WWII, tripe was never rationed and was eaten widely. After rationing ended in the 1950s, there were those who rashly predicted it meant the end for tripe.
But we hung on in there. We never gave up. So, if there's post-Brexit rationing, remember - we're here for you.
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Due to impartiality rules during election periods, the TMB is unable to advise its followers how to vote on 12 December.
Nor can we highlight the manifest failings of 9 years of Tory rule, or Boris Johnson's lies and deceit.
We are sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.
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We've told him to stop eating tripe for the same reason...
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Imagine if the police were called to investigate an argument at Jeremy Corbyn's house.
The press would camp outside his house for days, baying and waiting to thrust a microphone in his face when he emerged.
Boris Johnson? Nah.
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We just accidentally said 'Bon soir!' to the Italian family staying in the apartment next door to us in our Sardinian resort. They politely responded 'Bon soir!'
They now think we're French.
To save any embarrassment we'll have to pretend to be French for the rest of our stay.
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Remember, if you are sick and feel you may have
#Covid19UK
symptoms, do not ring 111.
Ring the AA Travel Line for advice on the best route to Durham.
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BREAKING: Esther McVey to announce sweeping plans to enforce the wearing of cardigans when it's chilly,
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"The good news, Mr President, is we can repair the Crimea Bridge."
"And the bad news?"
"We'll need your table."
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Sad news for the staff and customers of Thomas Cook.
Did you know that Thomas Cook was a successful nationalised company between 1948 and 1972, until it was privatised by the Tories?
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We would like to make it clear that the TMB will not be advertising on GB News.
Our advertising agency has alerted us to the danger that viewers may not be able to properly distinguish between adverts for tripe and the channel's editorial content.
#GBNews
@StopFundingHate
Full story: Kopparberg, Grolsch, Nivea and the Open University suspend advertising with GB News less than 48 hours after launch
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Ryanair quick off the mark to make a few extra quid, we see...
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Behind The Scenes at Serco Test & Trace
No.1 Recording of data
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@pressgazette
@StopFundingHate
We would like to make it clear that the TMB will not be advertising on GB News.
Our advertising agency has alerted us to the danger that viewers may not be able to properly distinguish between adverts for tripe and the channel's editorial content.
#GBNews
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BREAKING: Amber Rudd 'not aware' she is Home Secretary.
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Please remember... a dog is for life, not for blatant electioneering.
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BREAKING: Boris Johnson admits he was a member of the Conservatives 'for around 25 years', but had 'no idea it was a party'.
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We'd rather be tied in a stock and pelted with tofu than feature in The S*n.
@totaleclipse96
@TripeUK
Hi all! Do you have an email address you could send to us please? We'd love to know more.
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If Dickens were alive today, he'd write a short novel based on Boris Johnson's hospitalisation.
In it, the PM would be visited by the ghosts of Austerity, Coronavirus and Brexit. He'd emerge from his ordeal a changed man, devoting himself to charity, social justice and peace.
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It's not fair to ridicule that chap referring to Joris Bohnson who got their words mixed up. Just the other day, we meant to say 'Boris Johnson' and what we actually said was 'That Etonian anti-democratic bastard who's squatting in No 10'.
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Congratulations to our 'Tripe Supplier of the Year' 2019!
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"Does anyone still watch this tired mess of a show?" is an obvious one.
Remember to join us from 10.35pm on BBC One for tonight's Question Time from Harpenden. What are you hoping the audience asks this week?
#bbcqt
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We don't always agree with what Piers Morgan says, but we will defend to our last breath the right for anyone to call him a cockwomble.
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If, as a result of
#coronavirus
, you've lost your sense of taste and smell, please remember... we're here for you.
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Need your Government message splashed out in the media?
Who're you gonna call?
#Kuenssberg
&
#Peston
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BREAKING: TMB achieves major landmark with 100,000 new tripe customers!*
* 'customer' includes anyone who reads this tweet.
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TMB Advisory:
The Tripe Marketing Board has never advocated cold-calling customers to sell tripe. So, if you do receive a call from anyone who tries to sell you tripe, you can be sure they're not genuine.
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In the old days, of course, peasants would have seen this as a portent of some kind of spectacular looming disaster, like crop failure, plague or crashing out of the EU without a deal.
My phone’s camera doesn’t really do it justice, but the
#bloodmoon
looks absolutely spectacular from Crowborough, East Sussex.
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Aye, it were a very patriarchal world in those days. I'll never forget the sight of Mam warming the paper before Dad read it.
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So many lies emanating from the Tory Party, we're beginning to suspect they may have told one or two porkies about Jeremy Corbyn back in 2019.
#justsayin
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What's the technical name for the wooden thing they keep dragging out in front of No 10 to give speeches?
A podium
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Theresa May
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What I Did In My Holidays by B Johnson Aged 53 and a bit.
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Words matter, and as our understanding of social justice evolves, our language evolves along with it. Here’s how to remove tripe-ism from your daily conversations.
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We're getting a bit bored promoting tripe, if we're honest. Are there any other deeply unpopular products we should think about marketing?
We were thinking maybe Tony Blair, the LibDems or syphilis.
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We are sad to announce that Bonnie, one of the TMB's Tripe Dogs, passed away this week.
She reached the grand old age of (just short of) 15 and featured in our 'Tripe for Vitality' campaign, achieving runner up status in the 2016 Tripe Dog of the Year Contest.
RIP, Bonnie.
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Ripping a strip off Johnson and the UK sanctions... 'not enough we can do'.
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Important Announcement
We would like to advise consumers that, despite our best efforts, there is more than enough tripe to go round.
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If you're getting a bit cheesed off with lockdown, why not pretend you're going on a Ryanair flight this weekend by switching your phone to 'airplane' mode, sitting in a random seat in your lounge and paying your partner £5 for a bacon sarnie?
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Anyone know if she's interested in a job swap?
Asking for the British People.
BREAKING GOOD NEWS ALERT:
New Zealand has announced it no longer has any patients in hospital being treated for coronavirus.
It comes on the fifth straight day where no new cases have been reported.
This is what winning looks like.
🇳🇿
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Blessed are the bigots, for they shall inherit a seat on a
@BBCNewsnight
panel as a
#FakeVicar
#VicarGate
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This is such a haunting photo. Whatever you think about Theresa May's record as prime minister, it's impossible not to feel schadenfreude.
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To celebrate the visit to the UK of Donald Trump, the Tripe Marketing Board is delighted to announce that we will be issuing STRICTLY LIMITED EDITION reproduction Trump wigs.
Available from all good tripe retailers from 1 July.
#trumpvisit
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It's always sad when we lose a tripe supplier - particularly one of the calibre of Nadine Dorries.
Tripe consumers are warned that, as suppliers diminish, prices are likely to rise.
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"And if anyone asks you any difficult questions, I'll just tell everyone they're a Labour activist."
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Announcement.
Meat-based marketing board seeks prominent politician or minor celebrity to be pictured eating tripe on a train. Must have own teeth.
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Nothing says 'professional' quite like a stained carpet, trailing electrical wires and using a pile of table mats to prop up your digital photo frame.
First call today with Japan's Minister for Economy, Trade and Industry
@SekoHiroshige
. The future of the 🇬🇧-🇯🇵 partnership is bright and we will move quickly to negotiate a UK- Japan FTA.
#ReadyToTrade
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TMB Advisory
We regret to inform customers that we will no longer be proceeding with plans to promote the 'Boris Johnson Tripe cut' as previously advertised.
This has nothing to do with the
#BoycottHeck
campaign, and is due instead to an issue with suppliers.
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Behind The Scenes at Serco Test & Trace
No. 2 Data transfer
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If there's a Hell, when he gets there we hope Boris Johnson has this article read out to him hourly, for all eternity.
#PartyGatePhotos
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Happy
#dontbuythesun
Day!
The great thing about
#dontbuythesun
Day is that you get to celebrate it six days a week and, as more and more people celebrate, it will lead to
@totaleclipse96
.
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Does anyone know if Jeremy Hunt is still the Chancellor of the Exchequer?
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A reminder for any new followers:
The Tripe Marketing Board is a not-for-profit organisation - but not intentionally.
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BREAKING: Police say queue to personally feed giraffe testicles to Matt Hancock is now 'over 4 miles long'.
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TMB Advisory
Tripe consumers will be restricted to purchasing 25 kg of tripe per person as of midnight tonight.
Please be responsible and do not hoard tripe.
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A Nation Mourns.
Boris Johnson (Con, Uxbridge and South Ruislip) has resigned as an MP.
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BREAKING: Tripe prices will rise by just 1% in April.
It's our way of thanking the NHS.
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The last time Labour won fewer than 10,000 votes in Hartlepool was in 1924.
Thanks, Keith.
#HartlepoolByElection
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There is increasing evidence that smugglers are importing fake apostrophes (quotation marks that have been split in two in backstreet sweatshops).
If you are offered cheap apostrophes, please contact your local Trading Standard's Department.
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BREAKING: '5000 more* people will buy tripe in 2020' says TMB chair.
* Figure includes existing purchasers and has been doubled, for effect.
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Andrew Marr: "Nobody expected Jeremy Corbyn to be such a cracking campaigner"
Except 300k people who joined the Labour Party to support him.
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We've heard that Suella Braverman is thinking of standing to be the next Tory leader, and we'd like to throw our weight behind her. Preferably, the next time she's visiting the Central Pier in Blackpool.
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Those demanding Dominic Cummings' resignation are wrong.
We should be demanding his exile.
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We are often asked if we ‘buy’ followers.
It has never been the TMB’s policy to do this - not merely because we prefer ‘real’ people and dogs to follow us, but also because we don’t have any money.
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Well, it's been almost a week since we rebranded ourselves as the QMB (see bio).
Hands up who's noticed.
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Nature and humankind are marvellous things, aren't they?
For centuries, cat owners must have longed for something that can easily absorb their cat's wee and poo.
Then, like magic, someone publishes the Daily Mail.
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4lbs of wholemeal flour and a couple of packets of dried yeast.
Just leave it on the doorstep, please.
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BREAKING: Chairman apologises as photo emerges of TMB 2020 Christmas party.
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TMB ADVISORY
Section 44 of the Employment Rights Act 1996 gives a worker the right not to be victimised, disciplined or to receive 'detriment' (ie loss of pay) if they have strong reason to believe their workplace is unsafe and therefore refuse to enter it.
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That Kensington Palace pic before AI got its hands on it...
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@Irmenberga
Have you tried boiling up 3lb of tripe in it?
It probably wouldn't clean it, but it would do wonders for our sales.
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#LockdownFact
Because supermarkets order stock using complex algorithms based on customers' previous purchases, by week 5 you will only be able to buy toilet rolls, flour and hand sanitizer.
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You've got to hand it to Theresa May.
It took years for Thatcher to become such a reviled PM.
Theresa's managed it in a matter of months.
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That £2.50 you're going to save when you next fill up your car...
Can we tempt you to spend it on tripe?
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Strong and stable
Brexit means Brexit
No deal is better than a bad deal
Nothing has changed
What's the next Tory slogan?
Best answer wins a TMB pen.
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