Dear @EdmontonOilers you rock don't ever change.

A man goes to the doctor. “Doctor! How can I make Twitter profitable?” The doctor says, “Oh, that’s easy. Just find some desperate loser who thinks controlling Twitter will make people like him and get him to buy it for much more than it’s worth!” “But doctor!” said Elon Musk,

Me: say it Barista: Me: please Barista [heavy sigh]: one tall latte for “Mr. Good at Sex” Me [into megaphone]: wow any ladies wanna see if he gets ur name right also?

Strengths: works well under pressure Weaknesses: doesn’t work otherwise

@TomFitton Thomas, not even your first talking point is correct. Water is not wet, what water touches is wet. I'm confident I have a lot more experience in making things wet than you do.

Magneto's plan in the first X-Men film is flawless: find the senator most vocally targeting your minority group and turn them into a horrible goo

Hey, so…WTF?

Over the last two decades, more school-aged children have died from guns than on-duty police officers and active-duty military *combined.* Think about that.

yeah Top Gun is propaganda. I’m taking a propa ganda at Jennifer Connelly

Quickly back to the review. The league rule book cannot have it both ways. You can enter the zone backwards but be on side because you have possession of the puck. But if you enter the zone forwards and your stick is off the puck by an inch, you don't have possession. What?

Flames fans watching that onside call #EDMvsCOL #StanleyCup

It’s the guns. Not the doors. Not video games. Not Godlessness. It is the guns. It’s the fucking guns. It’s the guns. The guns. The guns. For fuck’s sake, what are we doing?

When President Clinton banned assault rifles in 1994, mass shootings dropped by 43%. After Republicans let the ban expire in 2004, they increased by 243% — please don’t tell me bans don’t work, because I don’t want to hear it.

Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people's embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.

The score was 6-9 but the game was anything but #nice

Date: That is so funny 😂 You’re saying all the right things tonight Rat Ratatouille-ing Me: Good. Now make a joke about how there’s a rat controlling you as a double bluff Me: It’s almost like I got a rat under this hat feeding me lines 😉 Date’s Rat: Yeah okay he’s on to us

Do you remember when you joined Twitter? I do! #MyTwitterAnniversary

“what if YOU were aborted?” bro does it look like I wanna be here rn

this 👇🏻👇🏻👇🏻 right fucking here.

this being the culmination of a holy war that's been ongoing since the '70s, you should be aware they are coming for absolutely everything that isn't straight white christian fertile marriage with a submissive, economically dependent and fiscally constrained wife