Maybe your baby is crying because it wants a cigarette.

Meet me outside. We’re going galavanting.

MODERATOR: Are you willing to commit to NOT raise the sales tax? MIKIE SHERRILL: I'm not going to commit to anything right now. On Nov. 4, vote NO on Mikie Sherrill. ❌

we’re stopping to smell the roses later if u wanna come

This is actually a hamburger helper tweet disguised as a selfie.

Go all the way, or don't go at all

Frosted outside. Citrus inside.

going to the gym to take a picture of my butt

ur a silly goose

Wow, I’m in a mood.

Wanting the crazy and being able to handle the crazy are completely different things.

William Lane Craig Reacts! Jordan Peterson & Church Hurt

Them: You shouldn't hang around the wrong people.. Me: First of all I am the bad influence

Standing in the center of Marshalls like a horse tied to a trough as she tries on clothes

I regret saying I would go..a memoir.

You look like trouble to me, sir

my 🚩 is that I'll play the same song in the car for the entirety of the trip.

Why try harder when you can just complain

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It’s not wasting time if you love it.

Make her laugh if you want to see her naked. This is the best advice I can give you.

Orgasms that cause a temporary loss of hearing

I know a bad tweet when I write one

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it's like i work in the overthinking factory