Mark
@AgingRanchHand
Followers
2K
Following
52K
Media
1K
Statuses
6K
There have been decades of speculation about the state of my existence
Joined June 2023
Them: Amazon cameras are just a cash-in on techno-authoritarianism and mass surveillance Me: Yes, and it also makes it so much harder for Woody and Buzz Lightyear to hang out with their friends
0
3
27
My father didn't want kids so he had two kids which was the equivalent of zero kids at the time
57
2K
67K
I saw your boyfriend swallowing small stones to aid in his digestion like he was an ostrich
15
1K
11K
*Kid pretending to look in his bag for homework he knows he didn't do* Teacher: I can see that you must have done it. Otherwise, there'd be no reason to look for it. I'll give you credit without you ever having to turn it in
36
761
40K
Favorite first reads this year. Shout out @BirdWendy2 and @reschultzed Unfortunately not mutuals with Theodore Roszak and Ira Levin
1
0
10
Wore pants so wrinkled today I was afraid someone on the train was going to take a picture of them and go viral
0
2
37
My Sunday scaries wouldn't be so bad if my wife would stop inviting the Wolfman over to watch football
1
0
24
Posting "had a blast celebrating (insert couple) last night" on my insta story with a picture of me drinking but it wasn't the couple's wedding and I wasn't with them and it's unclear why I was celebrating them
0
3
35
There's a government agent that's assigned to me to prevent me going viral. We'll see if he can stop the one I've got for 5pm est tonight
2
8
47
A guy told me in high school he wanted to impress the cool kid sitting next to him so he said "I need head so bad right now" like presumably from a beautiful woman but the "cool kid" just thought he was asking him for head
0
0
46
When football players have a bye week I feel genuinely happy for them. Rest up, guys. Catch up on some tv that you've missed
1
0
25
Got an advanced copy of my cats memoir (Both Sides Meow) and she has some pretty horrible things to say about dogs
1
0
31
I've learned that "a friend of Dorothy" covers both gay men and gay women but I wish there was a famous male celebrity that only hung out with lesbians so we could say something like "oh she's a friend of Schwarzenegger's"
2
6
32