Sexily not having my thoughts read

julia garner most confusing name bc it calls to mind both julia roberts and jennifer garner but she is neither

https://t.co/Z7kewCOA6w

sure just delete the load-bearing wall from your house lol

If The Truman Show was real all the extras would be bisexual since they're so good at improv

"the new superman movie is actually really good --" do you know how unlikely that sounds. do you know how much of my training i would need to disregard to believe that

what i want for dinner hasn’t been invented yet

in the italy. straight up "leaning it". and by "it" , hahah, well. lets justr say. my pisa

don't joke about that. an eleganza extravaganza killed my sister

I genuinely believe God herself created Carly Rae Jepsen as a messiah figure, a universally perfect person. Something for us all to enjoy and strive to. Her personality could end wars.

“and its from call me maybe” i’m not sure i like your tone

Going up to a woman and saying "cutie police! you're under arrest" and then pulling out a real loaded gun

Getting so tangled in the sex shop bead curtain that they have to put me down like a horse with a broken leg.

I speak for everyone when I say that finding the balance between watching movies, watching tv shows, and playing video games is harder than any job

Coke tastes like tapping into your ancient ancestral petroleum reserves while Sprite tastes like being connected to a big, beautiful energy grid

[to the bus driver as I’m exiting] you were like a father to me

Bro last night was exactly as the prophecy foretold

Is there an app that lets you simultaneously to Bluesky and the other one yet

does anyone want to sublet my apartment for 3 weeks? i’m still living here but we can sleep in my bed together

please text me back i’m about to start making stuff up in my head and the stuff is all bad

This girl i follow on instagram is naming a straight person that sucks everyday for pride month but they aren’t famous people they are local people we know and i have never respected anyone more