donald boat
@laserboat999
Followers
98K
Following
38K
Media
2K
Statuses
16K
In high school, we had our minecraft server, we had one guy. He was our resource guy. He would mine for hours. We would tell him that's enough, we have enough, come up, come build with us. He would stay down there. Blew past all sane need for resources. He liked it down there.
1K
17K
424K
folded my slice in half and ate it in 3 bites at the pizza place & random toddler across the room stared at me eyes wide, awestruck, proceeded to repeat the exact sane maneuver and execute it flawlessly.
282
11K
250K
Bartender plucked my glasses off my head and cleaned them with her shirt and then put them back on my head mid conversation yesterday.
1K
6K
246K
The only time I have experienced "FOMO" in my life is when I got kicked out of a vietnamese sandwich restaurant at 11:30PM so the illegal vietnamese uncle gambling games could start in the back.
106
7K
181K
When I was 13 i was in a lot of minecraft survival servers i was on skype making beautiful castles with 38 year old men that lived in trailer parks they were like Man never ever get married i was like O.K. man i have to go do the mile run tomorrow but ill take your word for it.
230
7K
179K
nice 400lb squat bro she just let me hit cuz i’m goofy.
174
13K
160K
Texting gf “All quiet on the menstrual front?” and immediately getting jaw blown apart by a sniper on an adjacent apartment building.
84
9K
160K
My cousin has invented a man called "Insane Richard" to tell his family stories about his drug related debauchery, but the family's in on it too, they keep saying "Can we meet this Richard, he sounds like quite the character," then he says, "You can't mom. He's too insane.".
170
5K
157K
I met two cartel guys in prison who would sit in bed and watch live footage of alien dissections in a warehouse in the Sonoran Desert for 18 hours a day, i kept trying to get the link from them but they would just laugh and say “is not for you gringo”.
189
6K
156K
Read the news about the one direction guy and around 30 minutes later, walking outside, i see two campus security guards talking and pointing, one goes, "that building right there, that's about 3 stories" and the other sort of scoffs and goes "i could survive that".
96
5K
117K
Trump seems like he would be really impressed if you assembled a PC in front of him, he'd be like "That's the motherboard? Everything goes on it, that makes sense. It just goes right in. That's incredible".
184
4K
107K
Morning routine.5:34 AM: get inside the poop tub.5:36 AM: Hover in front of minion
104
6K
108K
I really like the idea that you can become powerful and wealthy just by keeping a strange creature locked in your house.
Some people believe that rich politicians keep such creatures in their house's secret rooms so as to get power and money. Your thoughts on this
385
3K
97K
Rich chinese kids operate on different physics. Never show up to class or submit any work, always pass. Drive their AMGs 95 mph in the parking lot, never hit anyone. Eat mcdonalds 3 meals a day, still deathly skinny. Smoke cigarettes in the hallways, nobody stops them. They rule.
222
5K
91K
If I was president i'd be drunk dialing that contact list so hard. coming home blacked outon espresso martinis tweaking on the phone with the king of thailand. 4 in the morning on facetime with macron. I'm showing him my balls.
JUST IN: 🇺🇸 President-elect Donald Trump says he's spoken to 70 world leaders since Wednesday.
122
4K
93K
Chipotle employee plunged his hand in the riceslop and plucked out a glittering crystal shard before handing my bowl over to me.
36
5K
92K
I just know she could carry dozens of tankards of ale across the tavern floor without spilling a single drop.
216
4K
85K
there is an earth shattering moment in every white boys life when he discovers UNIQLO.
425
5K
85K
Most music critics fail to consider if the song goes hard in the car or not.
98
7K
83K
some of you say things that should never be uttered in public for like 8 likes.
206
6K
78K
Awesome how it takes weeks to get used to waking up early and then you can just piss it all away in one night by watching youtube gnome sightings in South America until 3 am.
61
11K
75K
Remembering when my dad was laid off for a month, he started watching Chinese news, not english language reporting on Chinese, just watching Chinese language news on youtube with zero subtitles standing up in the living room.
122
2K
75K
Imagine watching your oldest son get his brain devoured from the inside out by cancer and then The Dark Gooner steps in to fill his place.
Hunter Biden spent a staggering $872K on prostitutes, porn and sex club memberships and took $1.6 M from ATMs
165
4K
68K
Continually baffled at how many jobs you could get in the first half of the 20th century by just aggressively hanging out at a location.
113
2K
71K
if you grew up in america you probably almost died in the woods when you were 14 or 15 it’s a universal experience.
718
5K
63K
My friend told me that he experiences a phenomenon that he calls "Chinese recurrence," in which the same guys keep showing up in his life except they are Chinese the second time around.
159
3K
65K
The entire plot of Lord of the Flies happened to me in the bathroom of the Lego Store in Manhattan.
57
5K
60K
Ive never seen it before but Hot Ones kinda seems like something the Greeks would warn you about, where some sort of mythological entity challenges you to a chicken eating contest and tricks you into revealing your darkest secrets.
23
4K
63K
in middle school my gym teacher paused class for 20 min to outline a detailed scenario in which all the boys work together to stop an active shooter he was like "we're not sitting pretty, we're hitting the shed, we're getting baseball bats and breaking kneecaps." We were like 11.
100
2K
61K
This was the coolest summer internship you could get back then
57
3K
54K
Back home for the summer tried to pay for my kebab at the pakistani restaurant but the guy said “for free, since you back brother”
47
2K
54K
Women tend to have gay best friends because they miss the feeling of having a court eunuch to plot and scheme with.
88
5K
52K
(Getting defensive) Clown college has a lot of really fucking cool electives actually.
48
6K
53K
In 7th grade I would refuse to eat actual food during lunch and instead would drink 4-6 cartons of chocolate milk, and then shit it all out in a liquid slurry a one hour later. Still have no idea why I did this. Anyway I’m 6’7 now.
104
2K
52K
My coworker has a speech disorder thats similar to tourettes but instead of interjecting curse words he slides made-up chinese proverbs in between his sentences, like "i'll get those reports on your desk by tomorrow- A wise rabbit digs two burrows, but a foolish one digs none.".
71
3K
55K
“Fapping” is one of the most disgusting words that you can use. I hope it just disappears. its claustrophobic and swampy. It sounds like a cheap cafeteria mustard packet. Compares poorly to the mechanical, functional “jacking” or “cranking”.
390
4K
51K
told my parents to check out curb your enthusiasm. Backfired
50
1K
50K
Grave goods always get me because this is 400 BC, this is a skull of a young girl, eight years old or something. Think about how much time all those took to make. Somebody loved her a lot
139
3K
50K
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night.
52
3K
46K
Cops busted me for felony possession of various knickknacks and doohickeys.
79
6K
45K
Its crazy how some of you guys are prescribed stimulants that would give a Sumerian priest telekinesis and you use it to be in 8 twitter group chats at once.
86
4K
44K
the male version of cutting your bangs in a moment of crisis is doing like 22 push-ups in your childhood bedroom.
62
2K
43K
In high school there was was a jolly greek guy who owned a deli and used to sell us blunt wraps but would constantly pester us if were getting pussy or not. Anyway one day he said “Watch this” and walked outside and threw a heavy rock at a pigeon, pretty sure it died on the spot.
101
2K
43K
remembering my filipino roommate jon from freshman year. he played Apex every night until 6AM and slept with the lights on. ate every meal in the room. once i got him to drink the last sliver out of my bottle and he went from demure physics major to screaming guerilla in 30 mins.
43
1K
44K
You never went chalice for chalice with a real goblet sipper bro i can tell.
45
5K
46K
That was hillarious bro, I can’t wait to tell my strange 58 year old coworker about it.
23
3K
44K
I think about the star wars guy with headphones glued on a lot. I bet his deep house playlist goes crazy
163
2K
42K
Imagine getting chunked out by a hand that has pressed play on Brockhampton thousands of times.
93
2K
42K
Alien is the best horror movie because most of the first half of the movie is the crew pressing buttons and flicking switches. But they’re fantastic buttons, they look very clicky and chunky and fun to press.
130
4K
41K
i’m 6’7 and i don’t play basketball and i grew up un the bay area around mostly indian guys and they look at me with pain in their eyes and tell me “why don’t you hoop you fucking waste of oxygen” tears rolling down their face “we could have had brown Steph Curry you bastard”.
68
1K
40K
Just met someone named “Leaf” i asked them if they were non-binary they were like nah my parents just listen to the Grateful Dead.
60
2K
39K
there are only three types of boomer rock comments . a.) LOVE FROM ARGENTINA. b.) Im 6 but this is osome . b.) Love this song… My son henry was killed in a horrific highway accident off 101 on July 9th 1987.
97
3K
39K
“not gonna lie bro shorty was irksome”. “she was a mild irritant?”. “shortys presence was exasperating”. “shorty plagued you?”. “i found myself vexed”.
48
5K
40K
Guy at this breakfast place rn is plowing through a tall stack (14?) of pancakes while watching police chase footage compilations on youtube on like 2X speed.
126
2K
39K
Teaching a grey alien how to drive stick in a 1994 Mazda Miata. "I love how she corners," he remarks, "Not that dissimilar from flying an orb." I say, "You're right. You're absolutely right.".
70
4K
41K
my moms uncle in india is like 6 foot 6 and only lifts weights that look like these during the day and at night he smokes a shit ton of ganja and then drinks an entire thermos full of buttermilk and then sleeps in until noon and does it all again. he’s unemployed
196
2K
36K
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia.
77
2K
36K
This is how you know Turks are not white. This is a classic brown uncle maneuver. see how the Anglo is outraged.
125
2K
34K
the saddest thing about people posting their dad on father’s day is you get to see the decline in american fashion in real time even the dorkiest dads were wearing the freakiest shit in the 90s.
42
1K
35K
Me watching TV: Lmfao i’m so scoobypilled deadass i’m such a fucking scoobycel it’s not even funny bro . My 4 year old son ( poised at the brink of second floor window pane): These are perhaps my final moments on earth father.
32
3K
34K
nice sweatpants bro she let me hit cuz i dress like Frog and Toad.
36
3K
35K
NASA: “THERE IS NO WAR ON EUROPA.”.
103
3K
37K
Look at his eyes. He knows philosophy and mathematics beyond our current comprehension.
45
2K
34K
reading about this italian guy that washed up on an island and lived in an abandoned world war II bunker for like 40 years and then got kicked out. they don’t want you to contemplate on rocks bro…
61
2K
34K
Elder scrolls loading screen text.
An unjustified DUI can destroy the life of an otherwise law-abiding citizen.
14
2K
34K
Picking my son up from school . "How was school today" . "It was OK dad, if you ignore all the Tricknology and Yakubian deception".
47
2K
35K
caught my son with ‘Frog’ memes on his laptop and immediately shipped him off to an underground fight club in Brazil. Let’s see how much his ‘frens’ can help him when he faces off against Manuel The Eater in the bowels of Rio.
43
6K
32K
God. What a beast. I have no idea.
80
1K
35K
This one time I was really drunk in downtown LA and I decided to smoke cigarettes with some random Chinese guys outside a hotel. I don’t even smoke cigarettes but it felt like the right thing to do. I told them I would like to visit Xinjiang, Tibet. They nodded approvingly.
41
748
34K
every strokes song sounds like the beginning scene of a TV teen movie where the main character is skateboarding to school while eating a piece of toast he grabbed from the kitchen.
71
2K
31K
It was pretty wild playing online games with guys from all over the world at like age 13. I would ask them questions like “is your country beautiful?” and they were like “Yes. I play two more round then shelling start again.”.
76
1K
29K
married men usually have to find something to tinker with to prevent insanity, old guys have an old car to work on, middle age guys love building a home theater or a hi-fi audio system. Now the “goon cave” has arrived and you’re disgusted? this is the turning of the page.
85
2K
29K
on the TL: yo can someone help me with my broken toaster…. mutuals of many years: (complete silence). 4 follower account named KratomSniffa1488 (sending me the exact schematics of my toaster): let me know if you need any help boss.
31
3K
28K
Rich people pretending to be country is such a hillarious thing to observe. Pulling up in your Toy Story ass cowboy hat and boots and $86,000 truck to stand in line at Panera bread for some microwaved mac and cheese.
98
2K
27K
Sometimes you get posed a fascinating quandary and you have no choice but to stroke the Reflection Sac
54
3K
30K
I asked my dad’s buddy why he’s so well read and laid back and just chilling all day he told me the SEC banned him from ever working for a publicly traded company again.
33
998
28K
If you watch Family Guy with a notebook and pen and a growth mindset you might be able to unlock a part of yourself that was previously missing.
43
2K
27K
bisexual girl after eating one pastry as her only meal for the last 16 hours: ughhh i feel so bloated. :[. her 90 pound 6’4 boyfriend (eating his fourth entire Costco food court pizza of the day): I Feel Dat.
47
1K
26K
They’re saying they caught the grinch trying to steal presents in baton rouge louisiana and they killed him in the road like gaddafi.
47
2K
27K
High school teacher: Scientists say 2% of asia carries genghis khan’s DNA . Teenager (not understanding what this means): Rizz god 🔥.
21
1K
25K
My Cajun buddy risked his life to crawl across no-man’s-land and bring a reeking Grinch corpse back to our bunker. “Are you crazy?” I said. “He goin’ in the pot tonight boy,” he said.
39
2K
26K
Met someone at school who told me they were writing a screenplay and I asked if I could read it so they showed it to me on their phone and it was a bunch of images on pinterest and I was like okay where’s the script and they said it was just a vibe based thing for now.
59
1K
25K
White boys be like yooo that’s my favorite wikipedia article.
130
1K
24K
People don’t gulp when theyre in danger like they used to anymore.
32
2K
25K
“bro was wistful at the club?”. “he was yearning”. “in truth?”. “straight from the horses mouth, bruh” . “He was pining on the floor?”. “yes”. “In full view of shorty(s)?”.
26
3K
24K
Imagine bleeding out on the glacier and looking up and seeing this
96
1K
26K
when I was 13 playing Oblivion on my brothers computer I found out you could swap the in game music by just dropping mp3s in a folder so i just filled it with whatever, which was my brothers downloaded music, anyway the main battle theme was Love Me by Lil Wayne Future and Drake.
35
2K
24K