Rohita Kadambi
@RohitaKadambi
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Following
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Bylines: @betches_sup @mcsweeneys @newyorker Finalist: @WBDAccess Comedic Voices. WGA Strong. Booking requests: Rohita.Comedy @gmail .com
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Joined March 2013
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Pinned Tweet
She lost weight. She didn't make a deal with a sea witch.
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Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend is so young her high school experience was interrupted by COVID 19.
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She had a choice between a man and a bear and chose the bear:
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When I was suicidal, I had a therapist say to me “Do you really want Mitch McConnell to outlive you?” That thought alone has been more helpful in my mental health journey than anything else.
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Does Wes Anderson know about this?
Thinking about this town in Alaska where everyone lives in this one apartment building.
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
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We need the inverse of “Emily in Paris.” We need a show about a hot French dude who is relocated to San Francisco, refuses to work more than 35 hours/week, and is disgusted by our lack of social safety nets.
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Prince George and Princess Charlotte after the monarchy is abolished.
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When Nicholas was in elementary school, she was Princess of Genovia. The pay gap makes sense.
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So many people using words like “serve,” “slay,” and “mother” when there is only one person who has, in fact, served for slaying her mother.
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My friends who are parents say things like “you have NO idea how hard it is to have a baby.” Girl, yeah I do. That’s why there’s a piece of metal in my uterus.
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I think it’s very stupid that “The Bachelorette” franchise has never done an all-lesbian season. If you’re looking for a demographic that’s gonna fall in love in 6 weeks and cause drama, no one will do that like lesbians.
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Lin Manuel Miranda
who’s the funniest rapper that could somehow get involved in the Drake-Kendrick beef
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In high school, my physics teacher asked me to figure out how many seconds were in a year. I solved it by multiplying 525,600 by 60 to which my teacher responded “why is that something you know off the top of your head?”
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His genes didn't even try
Ben Affleck’s daughter is LITERALLY her mother’s (Jennifer Garner) twin.
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The Evangelical girls in my class who weren't allowed to read "Harry Potter" because it "had witchcraft" now think they can cure measles with essential oils. Who is in potions class now, Gracelynn?
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This one is Anne Hathaway at the Ella Enchanted (2004) premiere
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0 nepo babies. Just traumatized child actors and enough cocaine to kill a stallion.
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Gonna tell my kids this was Tom Holland and Zendaya
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RIP Princess Diana. You would have loved Pete Davidson.
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This would be perfect if the theme were Emily Gilmore
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Watching “The Crown” the way it was meant to be watched (with Wikipedia open)
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Jimmy Carter losing his wife and his arch nemesis in the same week is some soap opera season finale shit.
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Imagine if Congress pulled all-nighters like this to get us better healthcare, housing, education, childcare, etc instead of a procedural popularity contest.
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The most unrealistic thing about The Sopranos is that her name is “Meadow.” No way in hell Tony and Carmella had a baby girl in 1982 in New Jersey and didn’t name her Gianna Marie.
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“Hi, I’m Nick Lachey and THIS is Netflix’s Stanford Prison Experiment”
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Suburban people will say “I just don’t understand drag” and then do this to their home:
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Pete Davidson has the opportunity to do the funniest possible thing
Ariana Grande and her husband Dalton Gomez have separated and are heading toward divorce, TMZ reports.
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Sue Sylvester on her way to destroy the Glee club.
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This is like if we had footage of Michelangelo painting the Sistine Chapel.
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If you're in line to date Pete Davidson STAY IN LINE. It's your constitutional right.
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The best thing about the “Camilla is Saltburning” theory is that the woman who wrote and directed Saltburn played Camilla Parker-Bowles on The Crown.
Kate Middleton missing
Queen Elizabeth dead
King Charles has cancer
Princess Diana dead
Prince William bald
Prince Harry poor
Queen Camilla won
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I'd watch "Emily & Paris"
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Prince Harry had a frostbitten penis at Prince William and Kate Middleton's wedding
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Who is going to play Liz Truss on the last 10 seconds of "The Crown?"
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I have defended Meghan Markle but she went TOO FAR when she referred to “The Princess Diaries” (2001) as “that old movie” and not “a timeless cinematic classic.”
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This man could be President and I'd still call him Denny Duquette.
First look at Jeffrey Dean Morgan in ‘THE BOYS’ Season 4.
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RIP, Leslie Jordan. You would have loved Cowboy Carter.
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No one would love the Taylor Swift / Travis Kelce relationship like this Kansas City native and rom com enthusiast:
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“Glee” is the most emblematic TV show of the Obama Era. Back then, we were charmed and swept away by the diversity. Looking back, we see the war crimes.
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He looks like he's about to tell Colin Farrell their friendship is over
For those saying my son looks Irish. That photo is not even in the top ten. May I present, at seven months old, my precious little pintbaby.
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Timothée and Saoirse keeping their phones on:
Netflix is officially rebooting ‘Chronicles of Narnia’ with ‘Barbie’ director Greta Gerwig set to write and direct at least two films in the franchise.
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This is what your 9th Grade English teacher means when she says "give your essay a strong opener."
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This is why the monarchy is so comical to me. Imagine any other job being like "so our back-up options for the position are an amateur helicopter pilot, three kids in primary school, and a podcaster in Santa Barbara."
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A single mom who works two jobs who doesn't pit bad bitches against each other.
TMZ asks Reba McEntire if she prefers Beyoncé’s or Dolly Parton’s version of “Jolene” more:
“Nope. Bye!”
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"The Bear" but for that one soft serve ice cream shop in a small town that stays open past 9pm in the summers.
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Have we considered that Kate Middleton is in Barbieland helping her doll through an existential crisis?
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Taylor Swift said each of the tracks on "Midnights" are about nights she lost sleep and yet none of them are named "tummy ache and diarrhea." She's not like me.
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This is like watching George Washington rehearse for crossing the Delaware.
17 year old britney spears doing a music video rehearsal for ‘baby one more time’, 1998
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“Not all men” sure, but enough for this show to have a quarter of a century’s worth of ripped from the headlines storylines
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If I had a nickel for every time I saw a wealthy British ginger attempt to convince their dad to not marry an evil stepmom and move into a California mansion, I’d have two nickels. It isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
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If you wanted Americans to follow British law, you should have tried harder at Yorktown circa 1781.
If true, it’s long overdue. Rose and her family deserve better than have people needlessly drag her into media concocted narrative. It deserves to be stated again, there is no affair and there has never been an affair.
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50 years old 75 years old
Doesn’t eat bread Eats bread
Avoids alcohol Cocktail queen
Avoids sugar Enjoys dessert
Jade eggs in genitals Jeffrey Garten
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The Donald trying to save his hairpieces in the FBI raid
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"Situationship?" "Soft launch?" "Love bomb?" Are you dating or working for Lockheed Martin?
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Wrong
Girls notes app be like:
- grocery lists
- childhood trauma
- travel plans
- draft breakup text
- baby names
- situationships
- appointment reminders
- gut-wrenching paragraphs about worst life experiences
- deepest darkest fears
- passwords
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The fact that Martin Short and Steve Martin were in the audience when he won last night 💜
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I learned Kylie Jenner owns a pack of Italian greyhounds. Timothée is simply joining the kennel.
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Mamma Mia: Tokyo Drift
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HAMILTON WROTE THE OTHER 51
It’s a 2am surprise: The Tortured Poets Department is a secret DOUBLE album. ✌️ I’d written so much tortured poetry in the past 2 years and wanted to share it all with you, so here’s the second installment of TTPD: The Anthology. 15 extra songs. And now the story isn’t mine
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She deserves it all, including the way James Marsden is smiling at her.
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The high school kids on Euphoria in 2025
‘EUPHORIA’ Season 3 will “ideally” be released in 2025, according to HBO’s Drama Chief Francesca Orsi.
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Wife who dies tragically before the events of the film/novel
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I know in my heart that North West has said some devastating things to and about Timothée Chalamet at family events.
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To me, she won this for being Devi Vishwakumar's therapist
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I still call it "ABC Family." I'm calling it "HBO Max" forever.
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This man should be the biggest movie star on the planet
James Marsden, gorgeous, talented, handsome, baby blue with the baby blues. Frank Sinatra found ROTTED in the mausoleum
#SAGAwards
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Elected officials making uninformed decisions about reproductive rights:
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Americans love three things:
1. Sodas large enough to drown small children
2. Stories about missing white women
3. Mocking the British
If you pour yourself enough Baja Blast, the Kate Middleton mess has all three.
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That is Sasha Colby
It was an honor to give President Trump my latest artwork of our beautiful first lady Melania, and I hope it brings him as much joy on his bedroom walls as it did ours!
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I see a lot of people on this app criticizing Mindy Kaling and Shonda Rhimes for their obsession with a specific type of White Man. You have to remember those two spent formative sexual years at Dartmouth over 20 years ago. That's all there was. New England changes people.
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He’s also related to both of those Grey Gardens women and it makes more sense to think about it that way.
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The fact that 21 years later we are still talking about this means the writers and actors on this show did their fucking jobs right.
In 2003, Carrie Bradshaw said "Paper Covers Rock" and everyone everywhere screamed.
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Succession but it’s this
Lorne Michaels confirmed that Tina Fey is in the running to succeed him at 'Saturday Night Live': 'She’s a very important person in my life.'
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Kansas City Cheesecake Factory
Travis Kelce planning ‘special’ celebration, ‘romantic dinner’ for Taylor Swift’s birthday: report
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The fact that these two banged sisters is so funny to me.
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The way white women re-watch "Gilmore Girls" every fall, every series regular on that show as well as guest stars should be getting fat checks that time of year. October should be to them what Christmas is to Mariah Carey.
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Not Moulin Rouge for Mormons
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Fantastic Beasts 2 takes place in 1927 and features a 20-something Minerva McGonagall teaching at Hogwarts. BUT according to Pottermore, Professor McGonagall was born on October 4, 1935 making her a -8 year old Professor. Impressive.
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I hope the wardrobe department of Abbott Elementary is having the best day.
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Meghan Trainor makes music for the white moms who are body positive but still too racist to embrace Lizzo.
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No, but Paris would be
Do you think if Rory Gilmore was at Yale today she'd be part of the protests?
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When I say “I want a clean, safe, walkable city,” I mean this:
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RIP Shakespeare, you would have loved Kate Middleton gossip Twitter.
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