McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys
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The official feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. Publisher of @illustoria and @believermag.
San Francisco, CA
Joined April 2009
It's Harrison Ford's birthday today, thus we are contractually obligated to point you to this ridiculous classic from our archives.
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“Now hiring up to four horsemen to serve as harbingers of the Final Judgement. Must be comfortable with conquest, pestilence, war, and famine. Start date flexible.”.
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"Your poem reads as a thinly veiled defense of undocumented immigrants. Recall that these people sneak across borders and take pork plant jobs from veterans, threatening access to quality American food products."
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United States Department of Agriculture = Ad salmonellam: “Towards salmonella”.
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"You can’t walk down the street without seeing some new expensive building going up. It’s all I can think about until I’m safely ensconced in my million-dollar apartment, scornfully looking down at the construction.".
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"Our new tool enables simultaneous communication with doctors and patients. While the software argues with the physician about the merits of emergency heart surgery, the patient can read encouraging messages like 'Better luck next time.'".
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"Safety was my top priority from day one. After I led a redesign of the basement labyrinth, we didn’t lose a single kindergarten class.".
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"Work 'together' to choose a house. Everyone should drag their feet and be overly polite until the bossiest one just takes care of it. The Boss should resent having to do everything. Everyone else should resent that The Boss got to make the decision.".
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"The book—with its pro-wildlife PR spin and achingly cute illustrations—created a narrative around my experience that was impossible to correct once the media train left the proverbial station.".
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"You think you can just plop down on Cape Cod, with its breezy, romantic beaches and old barnacled docks reaching out poetically into the morning fog, and not have a reading lamp in your living room that’s shaped like a lighthouse?"
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Prince / Sinéad O’Connor: “Can a Thing Be Compared to a Person? If So, That Person Is Not You”.
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"Those cuffs are at least an inch thick—you think I can’t see how many times you’ve rolled those legs up? You think I don’t know you’re going to roll them right back down to your dimpled knees the second you leave the house? How stupid do you think I am?".
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"We provide everything you need, so only bring the essentials: clothes, personal toiletries, and a decade of pent-up annoyance and simmering frustration that will make your argument a weekend to remember." .
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"Too many family group chats are battlefields where it’s not safe to just ask for a recipe. We have to change that. The Pope with the MAGA brother may be the one to show us how.".
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Is your country mentioned in a Bob Marley protest song?. A. Yes, and our people were the ones everyone was protesting on behalf of .B. Yes, and our people were the ones everyone was protesting against.
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"No streaming services, just a bunch of dusty books on crude shelves. When I complained, the owner just stared and said, 'Books are the treasured wealth of the world.' WTF? I missed the premiere of Billions. -- 1 Star".
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"If you think one guy working on a 2019 MacBook Air can’t give weather updates to the entire country, think again.".
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"We’re talking about a full ideological rebranding of all five boroughs through rent freezing, free childcare, no longer allowing police to use their exceptional skills in racial profiling, and Trump’s ICE having to move to Hoboken to bully frat boys.".
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"Even at such a young age, my kids have an instinctive appreciation for the great outdoors. They don’t pelt each other with rocks or try to feed a chipmunk their organic homemade snacks that I always find the time to make.".
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