McSweeney's
@mcsweeneys
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The official feed of McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, & McSweeney's Books. Publisher of @illustoria and @believermag.
San Francisco, CA
Joined April 2009
"The problem with the old NOAA was the logistical challenge of coordinating between hundreds of employees and field offices. The new Noah doesn’t have that problem, because he’s just one dude sitting alone on his living room couch in his underwear.".
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"Select a house with one fewer master suite than the number of couples. Don’t forget to unfairly resent the couple who didn’t get an ensuite bathroom because their stuff is all over the powder room, and, honestly, it’s annoying.".
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"I used to love arranging the Prime Day Nativity Scene. It was a beautiful little creche with a figurine of a balding man sitting in front of a computer surrounded by mini cardboard boxes, dreaming of ways to absolutely obliterate the free market.".
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"Be open to the bartering process. Flexibility is the cornerstone of any successful rural birthing plan. Extra services like epidurals are nothing more than elaborate hoaxes designed by the left to rob women of God’s gift of increased pain in childbirth.".
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"Back in the 1980s, no one would’ve diagnosed me with autism or ADD, as it was called then. I couldn’t even get a nod to selective mutism. Heck, I would’ve taken a rude but accurate, 'She’s a strange little bird, isn’t she?'".
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Nirvana: “The Spirit of People Aged Twenty and Older Is Odorless”. The Cure: “I’m Not in Love, Which Is How I Know Today Isn’t Friday”. Bruce Springsteen: “Do You Know What It’s Like to Be Someone Who Isn’t on Fire? Because I Don’t”.
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"The new ChatGPT is more of an introvert. It can technically function with your entire team, but first, it will probably need a few Xanax and a quick online session with its therapist. It will also need frequent breaks to sit in a dark room by itself.".
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"Your kids will be attending a universal childcare program, so you won't have an excuse not to join that pickleball league your friends keep inviting you to. So get a head start and spend your summer dinking away—just as Lenin would have wanted."
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"On the map we have a castle, a geodesic dome, a haunted house, and a Chinese pavilion with a dragon poking out of it. What thematic concept, in the abstract, are you going for? Amusement? Yes, but what about amusement are you saying?".
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"In time, GALC will ensure all women are too busy self-improving to form thoughts. If your GALC still doesn’t understand your inner child by week six, that’s on you.".
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"When it comes to improving weather alerts, we can confidently say we have our best guy working on it, because we have our only guy working on it." .
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"Amazon Prime Day used to mean something. When I was young, my family would joyfully celebrate the legacy of a mega-corporation that runs hundreds of mom-and-pop stores out of business every year. Now, though, it's just become so commercialized.".
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"Truth is, inadvertently switching places with a bear cub and almost being raised and/or eaten by a literal mama bear was a traumatizing experience for me, one which nobody seems to understand." .
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RT @CamilleRalphs_: Now I have a cover to share, I can gleefully announce that AFTER YOU WERE, I AM will be published in the US by @mcsween….
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"We take our obligations to society seriously, which is why we are writing today to apologize for inadvertently contributing to the crisis of American democracy through our popular Mountain Dew soft-drink brand.".
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"If you are a woman, acquire your contraception and birth control needs before you set foot in the United States. It is effectively impossible and/or prohibitively expensive in many regions to access reproductive health care or even basic contraception.".
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