Girl, are you a junk refrigerator left by the curb with the door still attached? Because I want to put a baby in you.

If by “knots” you mean garlic knots…then yes, I’m good with knots.

You see that green bar? That’s when he joined Pelo.

Sarcasm is my vibe.

Here’s Johnny, but make it emotionally unavailable

Since no one can agree on who should be the halftime entertainment at the Super Bowl, I’m starting a write-in campaign for the only man who can bring this country together on that sacred Sunday.

Took a self defense course at the YMCA, in case I’m ever attacked by the Village People.

Nah, you just need better drugs.

Katie Porter arriving at her next media interview

Will sleeveless denim shirts ever go out of style?

I trusted you enough to be vulnerable and raw even knowing the hollow pain

I’d much rather focus on our shared humanity

Your honor, I say we call for recess and we settle this whole mess on the kickball field.

If ignorance is bliss, why are you reading

So the Vagina Monologues show I went to was nothing like I thought it was gonna be, but I was still able to masturbate to it.

This car is owned by a 20 something woman that wears a bowler hat, a sundress with combat boots and she can play the ukulele. Prove me wrong

You guys are much more fun now that you’ve taken a break from celebrating the gruesome assassination of an innocent young man. It’s a low bar, but good job.

Nice bag of baby carrots you got there. Be a shame if more than half of them were deformed or mutated looking.

Live each Thursday as if it’s your last thur.

I start with curiosity, not my own doctrine, I ask “What if?” instead of, “Is it true?” because I want to believe

Mr. Peanut was recently diagnosed with osteoporosis. Now he's Mr. Peanut Brittle.

People who are excited for pumpkin spiced lattes stop. No one likes that shit.