"Well this is embarrassing." he lied.

What do you take me for? (this is an auction).

You know I was the person who suggested they play football on Thanksgiving

Okay I'm going to quit being dumb online for a while sniff you jerks later

Absolutely not.

In the near future, one of your key job responsibilities will be to complete a fifty-four factor authentication process daily. - my IT department

I once watched a horse pee for two minutes straight. I'm told it wasn't his best.

#ItWasARevelationWhen the police realized they were talking to a parrot 😂🤣 who is it? the police how many are you? two then talk to each other! it's a bird (laughter)

My goal is to put on 15 pounds of muscle over the holidays

If I'm ever blown, I hope it's to smithereens

I gotta split for now and so I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. And if you aren't American, go to Hell

Babe, it's not you...it's your Anton Chigurh haircut.

This Thanksgiving remember you don't need political differences to disagree with your family.

Nobody: Steve Martin: I play the banjo

Hey after dinner does anybody want to put on a jester costume and come over for a cask of amontillado and some brickwork in the catacombs?

Try our new soy sauce latté.

@SuitSentient maybe tomorrow you’ll find it in the yard

My dog just ate ... the fortune out of my fortune cookie. What does that mean exactly?

#GodAsMyWitnessIThought I was writing to Santa😂

Panda Express gave me ten fortune cookies this must have cost them a fortune.

I'm "grocery stores had an end cap for testing and selecting new vacuum tubes" years old.