Apparently, making someone breakfast in bed is only romantic when they know who you are.

Me: I’m here for my photoshoot X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that

Whoever came up with the term ‘terrible twos’ obviously didn’t have any children older than two.

Me: so Tiki Barber was a football player, does that mean a Tiki Footballplayer is out there cutting hair? Her: why do you speak?

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

Why don’t we ever see people kissing in trees? I mean there’s a famous song about it

interviewer: give me an example of how you handled a high anxiety situation me: I just watched you put your unlocked phone in your pocket and I didn’t say a word

My boss: there are no stupid questions. Me: challenge accepted.

20s: my eyes are up here 40s: my boobs are down here… no, lower

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

Detective: and when we ask your boss, they'll say you were at work during the time of the murder? Me: wait, you can do that?

In the 1980s there was no block button, best you could do was cover your ears and cry.

It’s a crime that work is forcing me to wear pants. You can’t cover these calves. You don’t throw a tarp over the Mona Lisa.

If these walls could talk, they’d remind me why I walked into this room.

Twitter is ouija for reaching people who are dead inside

Gimme all the cake https://t.co/2ps5DWABmu

what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk

It’s called “throwing out your back” because your back is now garbage

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

I'd hit that. Me, to my snooze button

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you'll always exit the farthest one from your car.