"it's just like riding a bicycle" Oh cool the one vehicle I've crashed the most

Avatar Fire and Ash is like Raiders prime time games: nobody asked for it, but they're sure as fuck giving it to us anyways

This signals the official end of Toyotathon

🎵 You don’t wanna fuck with Santa Cause Santa will fucking kill you

https://t.co/y23C6wEVNy

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me: *starts the washer* me, two minutes later: what's that noise

Jake Paul inspired me to wake up my dad and punch him in the face

I need to become a boxer. I mean, I hate fighting but love wearing shorts with superfluous fringe

@FCC’s decision to add DJI and Autel to the Covered List is a national security win. Chinese drones aren’t just cameras—they’re data collectors, mapping tools, and access points into U.S. critical infrastructure. Overdue action. Credit to @BrendanCarrFCC for leading.

“Okay, climb in and let’s try this again.”

Hate wins. Congratulations.

JD Vance is a fusion of every kid that vanished on the Wonka Factory tour.

Just filled water jugs from a pool so that we can flush the toilets with it. This is so nice because now I can save the La Croix for washing my pits with.

Vitamins can help boost the immune system and lessen the effects of seasonal affective disorder.*

Welcome to your 40s. You are now in a garage band with the neighborhood dads

Sometimes yesterday’s mascara is today’s eyeliner

My mom said you weren’t allowed to fact check me

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me. Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

me: [on deathbed, voice weak and trembling] do you want to hear a joke? hospice nurse: no me: ok

🇸🇴 Remember when we thought the Somali fraud scandal in Minnesota was a billion dollars? Well there's a good chance it's more than $9 billion dollars and we are just scratching the surface. Keith Ellison and Tim Walz, call your office.

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had