Just met a guy named Gutter Greg. He asked if I wanted to join the Gutter Greg Gang. I asked how many people were in it. He said just him, but quickly followed with “but it could be two.”

My ideal woman can fit her hand all the way down the @Pringles can to get the last one

White people really hate capitalism until someone brings up Taylor Swift

me if you even care

Me and the boys getting all gussied up and heading out on a Friday night

I mean it's one perfect phone call, Michael. What could it lead to, 10 indictments?

https://t.co/hiYnMSXq1s

Skill issue

https://t.co/D7TwLvQl5F

the existence of barbie mount rushmore implies a barbie great sioux war, a barbie custer, a barbie indian appropriations act of 1876

https://t.co/JZlyNDSlGf

Josh Peck really killed it in Oppenheimer 😤

i didn’t “watch” barbie, i sat my male ass down and listened

[sober]: every interaction I’ve ever had with another human has been the single most mortifying moment of my entire existence [one sip of beer, suddenly standing on a table]: any of da shordys in this Wing Stop think they could learn to love a whiteboy with soulful blue eyes 😳?

The devil shivers when a white boy cracks a beer after midnight

"That motherfucker back there is not real!"

Wrigley Field • Google Review ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 month ago My son Hot Dogs spent the whole game cowering in fear as uniformed individuals roamed the stadium screaming his name

I suspect the baby my wife just birthed isn’t mine. it’s so much smaller than me

hungry ho worms

Fuck your zodiac what’s your sour patch color hierarchy