BREAKING: 2 dead but none killed in head-on hearse collision

https://t.co/YXrB0XdcZN

sorry kid, no names left on here. you want to be Platonic_Mustard? we’ve got Platonic_Mustard1 through 358 before you. anything you can dream has been dreamt before, many times over. you have no place here, kid.

[screaming at an oafish labradoodle prancing jovially but aimlessly around the dog park that is not mine but whose name I have learned along with every other dog park regular from many, many days of spectating] THEODORE! LOCK IN, BOY! LOCK IN!!

[eddie vedder voice] ohhhh eeeeeeeeeeeemaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail

Had a very vivid dream last night that I tweeted this and it went major viral, had to fire it off immediately after waking up

Do you think Sting would ever join the NBA? Would love to play as Sting in 2K @Sting @stingfan #StingNBA

horizontal on the couch off 14 ferraro rochers doing math on my fingers and chuckling to myself a little when I make an oopsie

bro your tones are looking hella earthen today

Say what you want, but this administration was groundbreaking for Walking Around. Nobody did walking around and having their picture taken quite like them.

The fact that TikTok can still open and display a pop up message gives me hope that my data is still being sent over 🙏🏼

had a vision of a new premier league team called Provolone

you can only call it garlic if it’s sourced from garlia, otherwise it’s just weird onion

that one friend who’s constantly on 1 HP and screaming “MEDIC!”

alternate version of the dixieland delight adlibs where Syracuse catches a stray

11 is the baker’s dozen’t

false senses of security lowkey feel pretty good

but I’m a hoot I’m a riot who the hell let this guy in here?

new monologue-style segment

The engagement farm accounts are onto me