https://t.co/on8jcxIOtd

Guy on this plane just asked the flight attendant where row 22 is. Hmm. Have you checked rows 21 or 23? Maybe somebody misplaced it there

If having a couple beers and getting destroyed off edibles at the airport was a professional sport, I’d probably be competing somewhere around a Michael Jordan/Wayne Gretzky/Michael Phelps-esque level

Imagine the problems that could have been solved if a genius like Augustine had spent his time thinking about shit that actually matters, instead of wasting it on “God” and “Christianity.” We probably could have invented stuff like McDonalds, or Halo 3, even earlier

Mario Kart dimwit: Mario Kart is mostly about driving in a straight line midwit: YOU GOTTA BE DRIFTING INTO EVERY TURN AND EVEN THE TURNS THAT ARENT A TURN AND sage: Mario Kart is mostly about driving in a straight line

Hey friend, don't be sad! I know it seems like the entire world is completely and irreparably Fucked. But at least you can take solace in the fact that there was nothing you could have done to stop it, and that this was probably how humanity was always destined to Go Out

A good sign that you’ve developed a strong argument is when the entire thing hinges on a deliberately misleading comparison between an average and a median, or it involves adding hypothetical sums of money to people’s salary to justify paying them less. This one has both!

School was good? Hmm good. Well. Son, there's no easy way to say this. But Kirby just sucked up your mother and then Kirby himself transformed into a ghoulish facsimile of your mother

Starting antidepressants at 100 years old

Scientists estimate that over 7 billion people will die in the next 100 years. Chilling stuff. Hard to even imagine

Erika kirk nerfed crying for blonde white women everywhere. Can’t even get out of a speeding ticket nowadays

IMDB users are one of the dumbest groups on the entire internet, their ratings are based solely on plot momentum. All of them are so completely and utterly addicted to reveal-slop, their ratings are basically worth nothing. E7 was maybe the best of the show so far

Lately I’ve been getting more fucked up off two beers than anything else I’ve ever done in my entire life

Charlie Kirk had an affair with Tyler Robinson’s transgender lover???

From then on, whenever we got a phishing test email I would spend the next month flagging every email that entered my inbox for manual review by IT, including their emails that I don’t need to flag all of my emails for manual review

During the pandemic, the hospital I worked at sent out a phishing test announcing that masking was no longer mandatory on campus, and that we should click the link to learn more. Nobody clicked the link, everybody stopped masking, and they had to send out a panicked retraction

@on_da_spectrum

I take writing jokes about jacking off and getting shot in the head exactly as seriously as Timothée Chalamet takes acting. Maybe even more seriously, honestly. But you don’t hear anybody saying I have an “athlete’s mindset”. Mostly they just call me a wretched little pervert

Need an uncle who has my back like this tbh

500lb black comedian in leather hat leather coat denim shirt and leather pants: You Fuckin A Minion What He Gone Say. Talkin Bout Some Babinga If You Dont Get. Ya Yella Ass Over Here [2 straight minutes of crowd laughter] They Gone Call Me Tha Minion Man When Im Done. Shit.

Let’s all be sure to take this day for granted, just stay on your phone and waste it, do not advance any project, at most get involved in some useless Internet conflict that cannot possibly matter to you but still mildly distresses you somehow. It’s just some Wednesday after all.