Lori Gottlieb
@LoriGottlieb1
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@NYTimes bestseller #MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone , Co-host #DearTherapists Podcast. Speaker @TEDTalks . #DearTherapist @TheAtlantic . Order book:
Los Angeles, CA
Joined August 2011
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Last Seen Profiles
Pinned Tweet
It's here! MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE is available for pre-order.
@KatieCouric
,
@ariannahuff
,
@susancain
,
@scahalan
,
@sarahhepola
,
@ajjacobs
,
@LDamour
,
@AskingAmy
,
@YalomID
are fans.
@EvaLongoria
is making it
@ABCNetwork
. MAYBE YOU SHOULD...buy one?
230
102
1K
PSA as we wrap up 2021
✅ Therapists are healthcare workers
✅ Mental health *is* healthcare 🙌💖
12
342
1K
Shoutout to men in therapy, especially the guy in the gym I overheard talking to his trainer about how he never would have found the love of his life had he not learned more about himself in therapy first 🙌🏻☺️
14
90
861
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient: I just want her to acknowledge that she hurt me growing up.
Me: She can’t acknowledge it to herself, much less to you. But if *you* validate your own experience & know it’s real, you won’t need her to do that for you.
#thread
🧵
16
70
655
Couple in huge screaming fight at LAX.
Stranger points to me and says loudly, can you help them?
Couple looks over. “Oh my God, that’s Lori Gottlieb! We loved your book!”
Couple stops yelling, asks me to sign boarding pass, walks off holding hands.
#couplestherapy
30
16
648
Every therapy client in the past two hours:
1) "Instagram is down so I had a very productive morning!"
2) "Instagram is down and my self-esteem has skyrocketed!"
(I enjoy many aspects of Instagram, but also the truth: yes to both)
6
63
569
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient: I told my adult daughter I’m sorry & I did my best raising her, but that doesn’t seem to satisfy her.
Me: Maybe try, “I didn’t understand what you needed. What can I do better now?”
#thread
🧵
54
42
507
Patient: I really shouldn’t feel so depressed. I mean, people are dying in Ukraine but I’m lucky to be safe.
Me: Can there be a war *and* you feel depressed?
Patient (crying): Oh. I never considered that.
6
38
439
Julie’s husband wants you to know:
1) He met his new wife at a grief group & they both understand what a profound gift ❤️ is
2) As a happy new dad, sometimes he aches that Julie never got to be a mom
3) He'll never stop loving Julie. Her bday: still the hardest day.
#MYSTTS
🧵
10
10
411
This week in therapy ⬇️
Me: People say pain creates resilience. Maybe. But you know what *also* creates resilience? Love.
People who are loved grow up to feel sturdy in the world.
#thread
🧵
7
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394
1/10 A new loss... saying goodbye to my therapy office. THREAD
19
29
386
Rita would like you all to know:
1) All of her children are in her life now & healing together, something she never imagined possible
2) Myron's daughter introduced Rita's daughter to her soulmate + wedding is this summer 🥂
3) She's extremely glad she's alive 🎉
#MYSTTS
20
11
387
Every week when I'm writing my
#DearTherapist
column for
@TheAtlantic
, my son asks what the letter is about and then we discuss it. His thoughtfulness and ability to see many sides of a dilemma help me every time.
Talk to your kids about
#emotionalhealth
8
9
377
It’s my birthday… I made another trip around the sun! ☀️🥳🎉🎊
A quick thought: Growing up, I always heard adults say on their birthdays that they wished they were younger. At 40, they wanted to be 30. At 50, they wanted to be 40 (or, “39”).
#thread
🧵
21
8
377
Advice for 2024: New Year, SAME You⬇️
The happiest people I know don't try to change who they are. They don't buy what our culture is selling–this vacation/body, this kind of family/love/success.
They embrace who they *are* & try to be good people.
That's always enough🎉🙌
7
52
372
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient: She just *keeps* complaining about this.
Me: Have you considered that if she keeps bringing it up, maybe she doesn't feel heard?
#thread
🧵
1
43
370
It’s my first
#FathersDay
without my father, who died in March and has been missed every day since.
Heading to the cemetery to pay a visit, and thinking about what I wrote about us in
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
.
I’ll never forget our conversation after he read this page. ❤️
23
16
370
Father’s Day means many things to many people.
My teenage son, who grew up without a father, wrote this beautiful piece for today’s
@nytimes
@nytopinion
I hope it makes you feel all the feels as much as it did for me ❤️😭
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People often look for something "big" to make them happy.
Today I put on a hoodie I haven't worn since last fall and out fell a missing sock I'd been looking for all year.
This absolutely *delighted* me :)
Let's all notice the small delights in our lives this weekend 🎉🙌
8
23
328
"We laugh at these moments because we may have lost so much of what makes us feel human, but we haven’t lost it all."
My piece for
@nytimes
@nytopinion
: The therapeutic benefits of laughter in our (virtual) sessions
16
64
293
“Being kind to yourself doesn’t mean not being accountable.”
I sat down w
@RealDoctorMike
to talk abt what we learned from our experiences as patients.
1 lesson: Beating yourself up leads to shame. Self-compassion leads to accountability.
📺
5
31
288
Pro tip: Shame is not a good long-term motivator. Use self-compassion instead. ☀️🤩
This conversation with
@realdoctormike
is one of my favorites and I highly encourage you to consider it this week’s therapy!
Watch/reflect/learn⬇️
11
30
286
Lessons from therapy⬇️
Patient: Every time I try to hold my boundary, she guilt-trips me & I cave.
Me: You might say, "I've heard your perspective, and my answer is still no. Making me feel bad won't change that."
#thread
🧵
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296
Writer therapy: For 2 days, I quit Diet Coke (my "writing drug," says my son) & tried to replace w unsweetened iced tea that many of you recommended.
Q: Have any of you ever *tasted* unsweetened iced tea? *How* is this a replacement for delicious Diet Coke?
Help! Can't write!
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2
280
Lessons from therapy⬇️
Patient: I just want to have a conversation with him to get closure.
Me: Closure won’t come from *him*. It will come from *you*.
#thread
🧵
8
27
266
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient: I can’t remember anything from childhood.
Me: That’s common for people who didn’t get their needs met and had to compartmentalize all of their emotions.
#thread
🧵
4
21
259
#3
on the
@nytimes
Bestseller List is a great way to start the new decade 🎉📚
Thank you all for reading
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
and having the courage to examine your own lives with such vulnerability and grace.
15
12
256
"You can't get through life without experiencing loss.The question is, how do we live with loss?"
In the midst of
#coronavirus
, my beloved father died. This week
@TheAtlantic
: he (&
#Wendell
, from
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
) help me with my
#grief
.
41
33
252
Years ago, the little boy you read about in MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE created a tradition every
#MothersDay
where I wake up to an artistic and delicious breakfast.
As he grows, the breakfasts get more and more tasty. This year: my face, rendered in fruit & pancakes
9
2
252
Just another day with a therapist mom & son 😂⬇️
Me: I really think you should—
Son: Mom, I'm reminding you of my boundary. If you don’t stop, I’ll have to leave the room and we can talk later.
Me: I know, but it’s important that—
Son: Calmly leaves the room.
#thread
🧵
7
11
246
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient: I can’t believe my sibling tried to manipulate not just me, but also my mom... again!
Me: I wonder why you seem so shocked every time someone is being *exactly* who they are.
13
19
244
Lessons from therapy⬇️
Patient: He keeps telling me how much he loves me & he’ll do anything for me to stay in the relationship. But every time I stay, we end up here again.
Me: That’s because the *one* thing he’s not willing to do is change.
#thread
🧵
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14
233
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE has been one of the most popular books
@nypl
since the shutdown. Its themes—connection, vulnerability, growth—are especially relevant at this moment in time.
Honored that the book has been a companion to so many during these months.
24
6
231
This week while signing books at an event, a woman in line said, "This is my 1st time out since my husband died weeks ago."
We talked for a few minutes abt grief, how it feels like the pain will never end, how hard it is to do anything but cry.
I can't stop thinking about her💔
6
6
236
This week in therapy ⬇️
Him: But it was such a small thing and now she’s throwing away our *entire* marriage?
Me: It wasn’t this one thing. It was the years of things that you wouldn’t address—and this was just one too many.
#thread
🧵
5
15
226
This week in therapy ⬇️
Parent: I apologized to my daughter and she still seems upset with me. I don’t get it.
Me: What did you say?
Parent: I explained I was sorry and I did it because—
Me: Next time, try it without the “because.” Just say, “I’m sorry. I was wrong
2
16
223
“People who don’t want children are asked to defend their choice, whereas people who decide to become parents don’t undergo such scrutiny."
My
@theatlantic
column: How to reply to intrusive questions w a question of your own: "Why do you ask?"
Read ⬇️
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When people dismiss therapy with, "Therapy is just talking," I like to say, "Oh, so you have the *same* kinds of conversations at home?"
Then people try therapy and the first thing they say is, "Wow, therapy *isn't* just talking."
Are you ready to try therapy in 2023?🤔
8
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219
Thanks,
@glennondoyle
! Someone just sent me this asking when you,
@abbywambach
, Sister, and I are gonna go deep into the whole shebang of our shared humanity on your podcast.
Everyone's *always* asking me—should we give people what they want? 😉♥️
@eternallizdom
Finishing “Maybe You Should Talk to Somebody” by
@LoriGottlieb1
. It’s a masterpiece.
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14
0
221
"The problem with pinning your identity on something outside of you is that your identity becomes precarious. Nothing—not a particular school, a particular partner, or a particular job—can stand in for your worth."
Today
@theatlantic
: College admissions
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214
There is so much suffering in the world, whether it’s because of war or Covid or the many other tragedies we face. But please don’t minimize your pain because you don’t think it’s valid compared to something else.
2
41
218
66 WEEKS! That's how long
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
has spent on
@amazon
charts Top 20 "Most Read Books” list, hanging out this week at
#19
Thank you all for 66 weeks of reading/reviewing/spreading the word... and more to come.🎉📚
15
2
205
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient: He lied again but promises he’s ready to change. He keeps begging me to stay. How do I decide?
Me: By asking yourself, “Am I willing to re-experience this pain?”
Patient (long pause): I wish I’d asked myself that two years ago!
#thread
🧵
1
16
202
When you're writing a new book, notes like these about your current book help you remember why you're doing this AGAIN.
16
1
197
Vulnerability can be hard for all of us, but why does our culture make it especially hard for men?
Watch as
@realdoctormike
and I go deep into vulnerability (and how to make it easier) ➡️
2
16
194
This week in therapy ⬇️
Client: I know his anger gets out of control because he grew up that way. So I’m trying to be understanding…
Me: Just because someone was mistreated in the past doesn’t mean you have to let them mistreat you in the present.
#thread
🧵
5
25
198
“As a therapist, I don’t hear a lot of ‘I regret that I tried’ but I do hear ‘I regret that I didn’t.’”
My
@TheAtlantic
column: How to encourage your college student’s dreams despite your anxiety abt their practicality.
A MUST-READ for us all⬇️
4
31
197
I don’t want my son growing up believing that only young life is worthy.
Instead, on our birthdays, let’s ask ourselves, what are we going to *do* with our good fortune of being alive?
For my bday, do me a favor: appreciate yourself today + hug the people you love.😌❤️
4/4
5
5
196
Holiday DON'T⬇️
Relative (to my son): Where are you applying to college?
Son: I'm keeping that to myself to manage my stress.
Relative: Ok, but are you thinking west coast, east coast?
Son: Like I said...
Relative: But in general, big school or small school?
#thread
🧵
14
14
187
This week in couples therapy ⬇️
Husband (after dismissive remark): I don’t know why she’s so upset with me.
Me: Pretending you don’t know why someone's upset with you doesn’t protect you from blame. It just makes that person *more* upset with you.
#thread
🧵
3
10
186
Patient: Really, it’s not a big deal.
Me: Who are you trying to please by minimizing your pain?
#thread
🧵
7
23
183
“Being a fulfilled adult means taking responsibility for the course of your own life and accepting the fact that you’re now in charge of your choices.”
Midweek reminder from Maybe You Should Talk To Someone :)
5
28
181
"College admissions have become less about finding an exciting place to grow & learn, & more about winning a trophy after years of grueling self-sacrifice."
My column
@theatlantic
: A must-share w/ high school seniors as they navigate admissions decisions.
5
36
171
"It's a privilege to do what I do ... it's no small thing, I never take for granted that people trust me with their lives and I have a responsibility to help them. And I have to earn it."
Thrilled to talk MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE with
@daxshepard
on
@ArmchairExpPod
11
7
179
Son: Please stop drinking Diet Coke. It's so bad for you.
Me: But I need it to write.
Son: So basically you need a drug to help you write? That doesn't sound healthy either.
#SonOfATherapist
11
2
179
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient: Whenever I call my mom, she says, “Why don’t you call more?”
Me: If she wants to talk to you, why doesn’t *she* call more?
#thread
🧵
10
14
173
"A universal paradox of being a parent is that in trying to help our children, we often make things harder on both ourselves and them."
My
@theatlantic
column: How to support and set clear and loving boundaries with a struggling adult child.
8
29
173
"When college admissions celebrations are virally public but the disappointments are private, teens feel even more alone—and more unworthy."
So proud of my teen son ❤️ for speaking out in this important piece in today’s
@TheAtlantic
💯⬇️
11
18
174
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient (big smile, like every week): Everything is great! I’m just… so tired all the time.
Me: Well, pretending to feel okay *is* exhausting.
Patient looks relieved, then starts crying.
#thread
🧵
4
20
174
This week in therapy ⬇️
Parent: My son says he forgives me but doesn’t want contact. Obviously, he doesn’t forgive me.
Me: It’s possible to forgive someone and still not want that relationship.
#thread
🧵
5
17
172
Many people try to mute their pain but instead of feeling calm, end up feeling dead. The gift of being human=a wide range of emotions. There's never been an epic life story that didn't include this range.
Drop a 💙if you’re letting yourself FEEL.
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
12
29
167
Pretending you’re not in pain will only increase your suffering.
Don’t rank your pain… talk about it.
#MentalHealthMatters
2
17
172
Lessons from therapy ⬇️
Communicating well isn't voicing every thought or feeling you're having.
It's reflecting on what the other person said & considering whether you have something valuable to add.
Sometimes ... saying *less* is more helpful.⬇️
6
23
172
It was a thrill to hit the
@nytimes
bestseller list the first week out, but even more thrilling to still be holding on two months later! Thanks to all of you who have supported the book and its message
#StopStigma
#MentalHealthMatters
16
5
169
I'll never forget seeing
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
in print for the first time. And now here we are, building a community of people who believe in the importance of
#EmotionalHealth
.
I'm so honored that you all have chosen to come on this journey w/ me❤️
7
6
168
This week in therapy ⬇️
Patient: My ex-wife was crazy!
Me: Is it possible she felt lonely, angry, and unheard?
Him: Well, uh, she did say that–
Me: Oh, so she was trying to tell you she was *hurt.* That doesn’t sound *crazy.*
Him: I never thought of it that way.
#thread
🧵
2
16
167
“If you get the highest grades but the cost is stress, depression, anxiety, & a feeling of never being good enough, that may not be a healthy definition of success at all.”
This week
@TheAtlantic
: When parental pressure to "succeed" becomes toxic
3
19
162
I have no words (or even emojis) to describe the feeling of seeing my book right under
@tarawestover
's and
@MichelleObama
's on this
@nytimes
bestseller list. Huge thanks to
@brit_pressley
for the superb narration, and to all of YOU, for caring about
#Mentalhealth
21
4
164
I might just use that tissue box on my book jacket... what an honor to be on
@TIME
magazine's "Best Books of 2019."
18
7
158
“Healing doesn’t mean that the pain goes away. It means that the pain becomes a sacred part of you that you carry inside forever."
My final
@theatlantic
column of the year is about a theme many of us are familiar with in 2020: navigating through loss. 💕
9
43
153
“The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s vitality.”
I often talk about the futility of chasing happiness.
In
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
, every patient’s story (including mine) is really about a search for vitality… which leads to a deeper sense of contentment.
2
14
155
If you've been working from home for the past 18 months, do you have any suggestions on what to eat for lunch that's a) easy/fast to make b) not frozen or from a can (soup)?
Tell me: What have you all been doing for lunch?
160
1
157
The relief comes instead from letting go of getting the acknowledgement externally and giving it to yourself internally.
*You* know what happened. *You* know it's real.
Nothing—not even someone else's failure to acknowledge this–can take that away from you.
End/
5
6
156
Virtual Therapy Fashion, Pandemic-Style 👩💻⬇️
Therapist uniform 2020
–blouse
–makeup
–yoga pants
Therapist uniform 2021
–blouse
–yoga pants
Therapist uniform 2022
–old cozy sweater (we are tired!)
4
8
152
If you care about the *quality* of your life, you MUST read
@PeterAttiaMD
remarkable book. OUTLIVE is the most groundbreaking take on wellness you’ll ever read, and it will quite literally change the rest of your life 🙌⬇️
5
7
150
25. To those who read this far, 🙏 for listening, even if u have a different perspective.
I hope this post reminds everyone of the purpose of this community (growth/learning/connection) & makes it feel safe for all to participate in these conversations with respect and kindness
10
0
154
"Before diagnosing someone with depression, make sure they aren't surrounded by assholes."
Toxic people can really affect our moods.
So ask yourself: Do I need to change myself, or my environment?
A therapy reminder from
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
😉
3
17
151
"We talk to ourselves more than we talk to anyone else in our lives and most of what we say isn't kind, or true, or helpful. We don't have to carry a bully around in our heads. Give yourself the space to be human."
My chat w
@ingridnilsen
via
@YouTube
4
24
141
It’s a *privilege* to make it to another birthday. Not a single one of us can take our lives (or the lives of our loved ones) for granted.
The age you are *right now* is a gift, not something to bemoan.
3/4
8
7
149
Charlotte wants you to know:
1) She let go of the hope for a better childhood in order to create a better adulthood.
2) This meant feeling some pain in order to feel less pain.
3) She finished her graduate program.
4) She's finally comfortable letting healthy love in.
#engaged
8
3
147
This week in therapy 😳 👇
Me: I spend a lot of time thinking about how I overthink things.
Wendell: You think?
4
7
148
This is one of the most frequently quoted lines from
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
and for good reason—especially today.
So let this be a reminder today: I hope you find a moment of peace. ❤️
2
28
148
Lessons from therapy ⬇️
Patient: Ugh, I'm not good at seeing red flags early on!
Me: No—you’re *great* at seeing red flags in the beginning. The problem is you stay because you hope the other person will change.
#thread
🧵
2
21
146
I love seeing photos of my book with Post-Its, dog-eared pages, highlights, and underlines…
Because that’s *exactly* what I do with books I love too 🥰🫶
9
2
145
"Relationships in life don't really end, even if you never see the person again. Every person you've been close to lives on somewhere inside you.”
Use this
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
quote to reflect on ur relationship w love, past & present, romantic & platonic
#ValentinesDay
0
16
141
A session of therapy always feels like boarding a plane to an unknown destination.
No matter how well you know a client, you have no idea where they’re going to take you that day. 🤩✈️
3
7
140
Hi! Some notes about this community…
This is a loooong thread, so if you’re tempted to comment before reading in its entirety, please wait until the end.
(Because this isn't about agreeing, but about listening, which I know we all care about deeply.)
#thread
🧵
19
8
142
“I didn’t have the awareness that my own wounds were getting in the way of being the parent you deserved, and I wish I had gotten the help I needed to do that.”
3/4
1
11
140
John wants you all to know that in answer to your q's, he’s doing fine, Margo & the kids are fine, Rosie’s “a pain in the ass but fine” & that fine is code for “very happy.”
Not that he cares, but IF he did, he sends you a heartfelt thx for embracing him w/compassion
#MYSTTS
2
3
140
This Mother’s Day, I’m sitting with the duality of my feelings as my son graduates from high school and is leaving for college in just a few short months.
#thread
🧵
8
3
142
Lessons from therapy ⬇️
Patient: My daughter is so ungrateful! I offer her every opportunity *I* wished for growing up & she rejects them
Me: We need to recognize our kids' otherness. What you can offer her is the opportunity to be herself. That's what kids need most
🧵👇
1
14
140
Today in therapy:
Client: "But I can't just *leave* the conversation."
Me: "Actually, you can."
Client smiles, tasting freedom for the first time.
#HealthyBoundaries
3
16
139
Lessons from therapy ⬇️
Patient: We’re communicating more—but nothing’s getting better.
Me: That’s because communicating isn’t just talking … it’s about *understanding*. There’s a difference between hearing *words* & comprehending *emotions*.
#thread
🧵
5
16
138
I have 14k emails in my inbox and my goal for the end of 2022 is to have 0.
After trying to go through them, I've come up with a better solution: Delete them all!
I haven't felt such happiness in a long time :-)
#thread
🧵
7
1
137
A year ago today, our family gathered around my father as he lay dying. We sang to him, whispered in his ear, rubbed his forehead, kissed his cheeks, held his hands. (1/8)
6
1
138
Thanks to ALL OF YOU for keeping
#MaybeYouShouldTalkToSomeone
in the Top 20 Most-Read Books on
@amazon
Every single reader who buys this book, writes a review, or recommends it to a friend plays a role in reducing
#stigma
around our struggles ❤️🙏
#MentalHealthMatters
8
12
130
So much of the year was spent in this room that gave me comfort with its wild mess of patterns and colors and family clutter and books and schoolwork all jumbled together.
Amid the chaos: a reminder of exactly where I needed to be.
Happy 2021, exactly where you need to be. 🎉
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"Saying 'Why do you ask?' changes the conversation from one about why you don't want to have children to one about the relationship between you & the person asking."
My
@TheAtlantic
column: An elegant way to reply to all kinds of intrusive questions
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"People's moods are contagious. If you surround yourself with negativity you'll see yourself negatively. Always choose your audience."
I chatted w
@JayShettyIW
for
@WorldMentalHealth
day/week/year. MH should be celebrated EVERY day :-)
Watch:
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This week in therapy ⬇️
Parent: My daughter is so disrespectful. Anything I say, she does whatever she wants.
Me: That’s not being disrespectful. That’s respectfully having a different perspective.
#thread
🧵
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