Jayne Sharp
@Jaynesharp
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Actor rep’d by @milburnbrowning ~ Voice artist: rep’d by ~ Writer. Buffoon. INSTAGRAM IDIOT
London, Yorkshire
Joined February 2009
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My Uncle passed away today after contracting coronavirus just a week ago. My dad’s inconsolable & all I want to do more than anything is give him a hug, but I can’t. Just as he wanted to hold his brother’s hand, but couldn’t. Keep your loved ones safe & don’t let them venture out
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Instagram blocked this video of my husband in all his glory. Maybe they just couldn’t handle all the sexy!🤷🏼♀️
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Me: I might take this time in lockdown to learn some new recipes and brush up on my cooking.
Also me:
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Is there a chippy called ‘Cod Loves A Fryer’ because if there isn’t then why are we even bothering?
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Piper: “MUMMY!!! QUICK, COME LOOK! THERE ARE LOADS OF TOYS IN THE SPARE ROOM!!”
I may have already bollocksed up Christmas, lads.
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I never ever text anyone about my aunt. When will predictive text understand this?
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Dad’s been doing some home refurb stuff on mum’s office. He’s just sent me a message asking if I ‘want to see a photo of mum’s lady cave’ and honestly I’m a bit too nervous to open the attachment.
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If you don’t reply, “I’ve got the secret” any time someone asks you if you’ve got the keys, then I’m afraid you can’t be in my gang.
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Women, eh?! Coming round here, playing Dr Who, forcing men into a life of crime!
Conservative MP Nick Fletcher says Doctor Who being played by a woman has pushed young men into crime.
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It’s a scientific fact that men who wear masks have, on average, a 17% bigger penis than those who don’t.
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@grimiestt
I genuinely hope you bought them all after rubbing your sweaty arse crack on them.
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On a daily basis, when leaving the house, Ross will ask if I’ve got the key, to which I ALWAYS reply, “I’ve got the secret” and I’m not even sorry.
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Just said “love you” instead of ‘thank you’ to the lady who just served me, so it looks like I can never go into Sainsbury’s again.
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Me addressing the whole family:
“Can everyone” *stares at husband*
“Please move all their shoes” *gestures wildly at all husband’s shoes*
“And put them in the cloakroom where they belong”
Husband:
“You heard your mum, kids”
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4 years ago today, I wore my favourite dress. With pockets.
Oh, and Ross was there.
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Guys, I’d really appreciate it if you could PLEASE SHARE🙏🏻 I’m trying to find these wonderful people who helped me when I had my accident x
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You know what? I don’t think I’ve ever felt so proud of a team. We took the knee, we openly supported LGBTQ and we helped feed poor kids. I think that makes us MASSIVE winners. Well done, lads.
Thank you ❤️
#EnglandvsItaly
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A big thanks to the men on my timeline telling me that my puncture is probably not a puncture when I’m at the garage looking at the screw embedded in the wheel causing the puncture.
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“How come all the other school mums in the playground know each other so well?” I ponder as I stay in the car until the very last second until my daughter emerges from the classroom, grab her & speed off.
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Anyone who picks a Mars Bar over a Bounty needs to take a good long look at themselves.
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When you’re finally allowed to socialise but you’ve forgotten how to talk to people.
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I can’t help but read this in a Yorkshire accent & assume whoever wrote it doesn’t really know why these guys are there.
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They really should change the name of the tv show ‘Catchphrase’ to just ‘Some Words’.
RUNNY NOSE ISN’T A CATCHPHRASE!
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Let me get this straight
@BrianMcFadden
. You’re coming to the defence of ‘Superman’ to support a far-right senator who blamed innocent people for the attack in Christchurch? Put the Internet down, Brian. You’re not allowed to play anymore.
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Why Daft Punk never really made it as art teachers. 📣Sound On
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My life is full of many pointless acts, but telling my cats “I won’t be long” as I leave the house is definitely up there.
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My dad couldn’t attend his brother’s funeral. My cousin can’t currently visit my aunt in hospital. Another friend had to view his dad’s funeral on video link. What the hell are people playing at?
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Got to really keep an eye on your personal belongings when the kids are constantly at home.
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That time my husband accidentally went out dressed as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
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After a late night Houseparty session with a friend, I fell asleep. Mid chat. My friend logged off.
Today I’ve had messages from 3 individual mates saying they logged on to find me fast asleep on camera.
Seems I can still embarrass myself without even leaving the house.
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@SummerRay
We had a guy come in to talk about the dangers of railways. He told us that if you get stuck between the train & platform, your family have to be called so they can say their final goodbyes before they move the train & your internal organs fall out. I’m still terrified of trains.
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Ross seems to think that working from home means raiding the fridge every 8 minutes & trying to convince me to have sex with him whenever I bend over to fill the washing machine.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the plural of Lego is Lego.
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You’re stupid f*cking gun laws just ended the lives of 14 beautiful children. 14 beautiful LIVING babies! But keep getting angry about abortions you deluded imbeciles.
#Texas
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All other magicians GO HOME! Piper has perfected the magic sheet disappearing trick so the rest of you needn’t bother.
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This morning was going so well, until...
Piper: Mummy, are you having another baby?
Me: No, darling.
Piper: So why is your tummy so big?
Anyway, I’m looking to re-home a 4 year old.
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Regularly phoning my folks at the mo to check on them.
Me: hi dad, just checking you & mum are ok. Don’t go out if you don’t need to.
Dad: don’t worry about us, we never go anywhere.
Me: ok, can you put mum on?
Dad: she’s just popped out to see her friend.
Me:
Dad: hello?!
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Turns out 44 ain’t so bad. Feeling very lucky, happy & grateful for my lot. Big love and thanks for the birthday wishes you crazy muthas! X
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I’ve never personally been beaten up by Geoff Boycott, but he used to come in to the chippy I worked in as a student & mime bowling a cricket ball whilst he waited so everyone knew who he was. He was also incredibly rude.
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Whilst secretly stalking one of my husband’s exes, last night, I accidentally ‘liked’ a post. So yeah, It’s been good knowing you all.
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Nikki Grahame was such a huge personality. So incredibly sad to hear of her passing. Anorexia is such a horribly misunderstood disease.
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Breakfast in bed has been delivered. 2 hot mince pies with cheese.
Get on it.
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Last night I finally plucked up the courage to watch After Life S2.
Cried so much that I woke up today with a face like a pickled bollock. Such an incredible show
@rickygervais
. It deserves every award they can throw at it.
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I followed internet instructions to make banana lollipops.
Does anyone know how I apply for Bake-Off?
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My husband is ace. Not surprising that people ask me, with sweetest intentions, if he has a brother. Today would’ve been Alex’s 49th birthday. He died in a terrible accident, age 15, when Ross was 12.
Also today, the most beautiful double rainbow landed in our garden.
So yeah❤️
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Does anyone else feel the need to binge-eat ALL the remaining treats in the house before they can start eating healthily? Last night I force-fed myself a mountain of roast potatoes, a wheel of Brie & a pack of jam tarts so that I could ‘clean eat’ today!
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Can we all just take a minute to reflect on what an absolute arsehole of a parent I am to not allow my 12 (nearly 13) year old to have her phone in her room all night because “EVERYONE ELSE US ALLOWED!”
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I joined a slow cooker page on Facebook, (I know, right?) and it is by far the bitchiest and most unintentionally funny group on the entire internet. The rows that kick off over wether to brown the sausages first or single use liners are unreal & I’m totally here for it.
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We got the keys to our new house, yesterday... and my dad gets his vaccine tomorrow. HAPPY DAYS!
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So, wait... am I allowed to play rugby with my mum? Just that she’s 76 and shit at it.
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Has anyone in the history of texting ever actually meant to write ‘ducking’?
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Tonight I made chicken katsu curry. Just to give it that authentic Wagamama touch, I gave everyone theirs at completely different times & then scribbled all over the table.
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Since Facebook’s down, here’s a fun game to keep you going. If you were a Disney Character, what are the last 3 digits on the back of your bank card?
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In true Ross style, whenever I can’t picture what a room will look like in our new house, he just draws it on the wall.
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I’m wide awake before any of the kids. Might start jumping up and down on their beds. See how they like it.
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@BrianMcFadden
“Violence is not the answer”
Also
“He deserved a slap”
Both your quotes. Which one is it?
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@SuzanneEvans1
@VodafoneUK
@ThreeUK
Oh Suzanne. I think your roaming charges will be the least of your worries, this time next year. Thanks for your personal contribution to this gigantic shit-fest, though.
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Meanwhile, over on Instagram, a guy called Brian has DM’d me from ‘California Texas’ to ask if we can get to know each other & have I ever heard of COVID-19?
He gets angry when I don’t reply but I’m thinking lockdown is the only factor keeping us apart.
Wait for me, Brian.
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Walked past a building site last week.
Got wolf whistled.
Gave them the finger 🖕🏻
Walked past the same building site today.
No wolf whistles.
Not gonna lie. Fuming.
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That time I ordered the wrong balloons for the nursery Christmas party.
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Last night I drank gin and did karaoke to an audience of nobody for 3 hours. Judging by how my head feels this morning, I had a great night.
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I like my men like I like my GDPR emails. In my box 48 times a day and sad to see me leave.
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Did anyone else used to call liquorice ‘Spanish’ when they were growing up? Or was this just a Yorkshire thing? Or even just a Wakefield thing? Or even just a my house thing?
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A bloke slid into my DM’s on Instagram to tell me he imagined I had “an amazing bum hole” and now I’m wondering if I made the right decision settling down.
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Ok, so my review of Love Actually having just watched it for the very first time.
Lots of awful men trying to put their awful penises in women they probably shouldn’t be putting their penises in.
THIS IS NOT THE HEARTWARMING CHRISTMAS MESSAGE I WAS AFTER, GUYS!
#TwatsActually
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Absolutely heartbroken to hear the news. The loveliest man, a true gent & the perfect neighbour, Des O’Connor. Sending all my love to his wife, my beautiful friend Jodie, Adam & family.
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Obviously, when you turn 43 you get roller boots! I’m also including my husband’s pervy arse shot (on instagram)because my bum won’t look like this next year. Thanks for all the lovely birthday wishes. You’re all bloody ace!
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Not gonna lie, had a shocker of a day. Felt low, panicky & had a big old cry earlier. No idea why.
Had a bath, dressed the table & Ross poured me a mug of mulled wine NOW ALL IS FINE!
Merry Christmas you gorgeous bunch. For anyone who struggles, remember it’s just a day.
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Pitch idea. Seek out all the sad little bell-ends who nominate tweets to
@_DHOTYA
& at the end of the year pick a winner. Prize is a free tattoo saying ‘I’m a micro penised shithouse grass’ on their forehead.
Anyone?
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