Uncle Duke
@UncleDuke1969
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DUMB SHIT THAT RHYMES
I’ve wasted my time, now let me waste yours.
All of the nonsense…
Now, with less scrolling.
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“I know you think you’re being funny, but honestly Dave, it’s just hurtful.”
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“Was there any damage?”
“My favorite chair was broken.”
“Anything else?”
“My bed too.”
“Is that-”
“Also, the little shit ate my porridge.”
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I suggested to my wife that it seemed pointless to continually fill the bird feeder, as the squirrels always empty it in hours. Behind me, my son said, “It’s in your interest for the squirrels to be on your side when the Great War begins,” and ate another spoonful of Froot Loops.
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brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back
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the idea of being visited by aliens lost its appeal when i realized they’d likely just be some other planet’s asshole billionaires
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"So, Cleo and I were wondering..."
"Yes?"
"Don't take this the wrong way..."
“Yeah?”
“I mean this has been super fun...”
"Just ask."
"When are you going back to work?"
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Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: ...
Eve: ...
Adam: ...
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
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The cats graciously put on a “quarantine magic show” for us last night. I figured out how they did most of the tricks, but I didn’t say anything, because that would have been rude.
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“Your slipper, sir.”
“Where is the other one, Alfred?”
“I’m afraid there’s been a mishap, sir.”
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Two will enter the arena...
Only one will leave as champion.
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i’m no financial expert, but it looks to me like they’re organizing a hedge fund
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i'm no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
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pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
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[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
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“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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"Kids, I don't know how to break this to you..."
"Wait... Come outside for a second."
*scrapes Grandma sticker off minivan*
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Possibly the most frightening talent of the brown bear is an uncanny ability to blend seamlessly into the environment in an almost chameleon-like manner, allowing them to easily surprise their unsuspecting prey.
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Hal hadn’t survived three Thanksgivings by being stupid.
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every day i see more and more evidence of society descending into utter lawlessness and chaos
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During quarantine, be sure to check in on your “outside” shoes. They are not okay.
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pretty smart to call them both because it might be a real ghost or it could just turn out to be some dude in a mask
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just put together a Dögg from IKEA, but I think I screwed something up
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and he would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids
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when you realize that life is meaningless and you still have eight more to go
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“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
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We swore we weren’t gonna get another grandma after the last one died, but when we saw this one at the shelter, we just knew we had to have her.
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"Duct tape, Brian? You thought DUCT TAPE would stop me? I'm a little offended, I thought you had more respect for me than that."
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Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim's email is open on his PC.
Jim's son now thinks he's adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
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I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
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gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
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i think someone might want to check in on the laffy taffy guy
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