snacky 🫧
@candyflippin
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Pinned Tweet
which one of y'all slapped this on the 9th and Lincoln RTD stop in Denver
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there is no such thing as "unlimited" breadsticks. you will eventually die
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Oh no! I just realized I forgot to make healthy choices for the past 20 years
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an olympic diver that can't swim and has a personal lifeguard to save him after every dive
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I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn't meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
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Marriage is such a weird concept.
"I like you. Wanna hang out until one of us dies?"
"Yes."
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me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he's your friend
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a weighted blanket just isn't cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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@PleaseBeGneiss
[takes drag from cigarette] “we just can’t be sure how it will affect us in the long-run, you know?" [exhales]
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if you die in the cheesecake factory do u also die in real life
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Olive Garden waiter: "When you're here, you're family!"
Me: "And when I'm not here?"
Waiter: "You can fuck all the way off as soon as you leave the building"
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bro, we hung the stockings by the chimney with so much fucking care this year bro
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if you're pretending to know what a word means, at least do it ostensibly
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what's your favorite amount of something? mine's an inkling
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me: i wish people were more neighborly. no one knows their neighbors anymore.
also me: see neighbor outside, waits til he's gone to go outside
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when i die i want matthew mcconaughey to deliver my eulogy and very gradually turn it into a lincoln ad
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surgeon general: cigarettes cause cancer
surgeon specific: [interrupting] they cause lung cancer, and only if you smoke them
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interviewer: can you explain all these gaps on your resume
me: it's double-spaced
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I gain my followers the old-fashioned way: people see my tweets and my mental illness vibes with their mental illness
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I'll be honest, wild horses could probably drag me away pretty easily
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if u die in an Applebee's, the staff will sing "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan as the coroner moves the body. its actually a touching thing to see
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[being murdered]
me: [under breath] thank god. finally
murderer: what
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If you have anxiety, just remember that everyone secretly hates you
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just pay attention to me and leave me alone at the same time. why is that so hard
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sometimes I'll *barely* miss the "skip intro" button and it will ruin my entire life
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i'm white, but not "sings along to sweet caroline at sporting events" white
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gonna start saying "but I digest" and see how many people actually correct me
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"I'll take 'song lyrics' for $200, Alex."
Alex Trebek: The Beatles famously sang that this is "all you need."
Haddaway: [just fucking smashing the buzzer so hard]
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i feel like more people should be congratulating me on having committed zero murders in my lifetime. it could easily be 3 or 4
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@PleaseBeGneiss
[to friend in passenger seat while driving drunk] "i mean, what if the vaccine is actually dangerous??"
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me: ok, this is where i draw the line
art teacher: again, you don't have to say that every time
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
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me: objection your honor, the prosecution is bumming me out
judge: sustained
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If you loved "You've Got Mail" you'll love the sequel, "You've got Over 4,500 Unread E-mails" and the 3rd one, "Phishing in Japan: Tokyo Grift"
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me: i'm not stoned enough for this bullshit
narrator: he was in fact too stoned for this bullshit
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why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
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me: at this point, my hands are tied
kidnapper: please stop saying that
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The 3 main parts of business are touching base, getting on the same page, and circling back. I have no idea what any of that means which is why I'm poor
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went to whole foods today and accidentally spent my life savings
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Marriage is such a weird concept.
"I like you.. Wanna hang out until one of us dies?"
"Deal!"
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what if jesus came back today as a DJ, and no one had the heart to tell him how terrible of a DJ he was
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[ordering at a restaurant]
me: [to table] egg rolls?
server: it does. it's because of the shape I think
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imagine being ghosted by God because someone cooler than you was praying at the same time
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Computer: choose a password
Me: My_Pimp_Game
Computer: wow, can't believe I'm saying this, but password is too strong
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ok so I'm listening to the Taylor Swift album and I'm pretty sure one of the songs is about me
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I spend approximately half my life being confused and the other half being confusing. It's all about balance.
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if someone says they're "living their best life" and they don't have a slice of pizza in hand, they are *ʟʏɪɴɢ*
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I wish I enjoyed *anything* as much as little kids enjoy being the one that gets to push the elevator button
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I wish I liked anything as much as Twitter likes refreshing my feed as I'm trying to read a tweet
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Apparently watching Queen's Gambit all the way through does not make you better at chess. I know this now.
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sure, sex is cool, but have you ever *finally* gotten caught up on all your laundry?
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them: I don't believe anything the government says
me: did u get the vaccine?
them: no I'm waiting on full FDA approval
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[on deathbed, reflecting back on my life]
meh, that could have been an email
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If you need me, I'll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
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[on vacation abroad]
them: omg an american! what state do u live in?
me: agony, mostly
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idea: an avocado with mountains on the side that turn blue when it's ready to eat
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it "expresso" and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
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Netflix and chill?
Hulu and hang?
Amazon Prime and sexy time?
YouTube and lube?
Disney plus and coitus?
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it's CATURDAY!! this is my friend Milo. his hobbies include food and naps.
drop a pic of your cat please, so that I may admire them 😸😽😻
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me: I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel. I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor
restaurant manager: [assuring customers] not to worry, folks, the cops *are* on the way
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oh, you're "loving it" ?
my father died in a PlayPlace you son of a bitch
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i am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 model (you know what I mean?)
seeking:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 to do my little turn on the catwalk
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me: why are my tweets bombing? I need advice
friend: be funnier
me: lol I was hoping for more specific advice
friend: be funnier on twitter
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earlier, someone told me to "fuck all the way off"
joke's on you, pal. I only fucked half the way off. tops.
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a bathroom scale that subtracts a few pounds if you're having a bad mental health day
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There should be a scalloped version of lots of foods. Why do potatoes get to have all the fun
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men will literally [insert toxic behavior] instead of [insert healthy behavior]
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the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was just a standard kickflip. satan isn't a great skateboarder. despite what you might have heard
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Will I get Futurama if I never saw Pastorama or Presentorama?
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he has a sippy cup
he drinks a milky drink
he drink a juicy drink
he drinks a water drink
he sing the songs that remind him of mickey mouse
he sings songs that remind him of the lion king
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