Stop talking on speaker phone in public. Sincerely everyone

The worst thing about trying to parallel park are the witnesses.

Today is February. I checked.

I understand why animals hide from humans.

We are six months into the year and it’s only January.

I’m snowed in and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem

It's okay to tweet embarrassing things on here because none of you are real.

Me not judging but still judging

Voting is just like playing video games with your older brother You can mash all the buttons and feel like you're really doing something but the controller isn't even plugged in They let us vote just to make us feel involved in the process

You should be able to retire as soon as you get osteoarthritis

I’m at the stage in life where I set reminders to remind me to set reminders

please tell me we are living in a simulation

The older I get the more I try to avoid people and their bullshit.

The strawberry I bought last week staring at me grabbing another can of soda from the back of the fridge

i think about you way too much to tell you anything. what if i say hello and all the love for you falls out of my mouth

We told you to stop at 2012 - the mayans

No no girl, these condoms are supposed to be loose. I bought the relaxed fit.

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she breaks a beer bottle over your head

Monday came faster than a married man who had the house to himself.

Twitter to the left of me, X to the right, Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.