Welcome to your 40s. If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

My wife asked me to do something I replied "Sure, whatever you want" My son said, "I believe it's supposed be 'as you wish'" and I've never been more proud.

Thoughts from my 19 year old son: "...if you're living your life all week just waiting to get wasted on Friday night and escape yourself... you need to make changes to your life."

Only God and grossly misinformed social media accounts can judge me now.

Someone dropped a sausage roll here approx 1 year ago and we have to check DAILY in case it’s regenerated

They really don’t do enough to warn young people about the fact that 20 years of adulthood goes by in 5 minutes.

Discussing the purchase of a new Nerf gun with the boy. I explain that he needs to clear it with his Mum first and suggest that he should wait until she's in a good mood. He immediately stomps into the kitchen and shouts; 'Are you in a good mood?!'

You know you had a good night at the pumpkin patch when 30% of your expenses were corn dogs and donuts

Bought an arugula mix at the grocery store the other day. In other words, I just paid $7 for a bag of weeds.

I got 10 out of 10 for effort at the hygenist earlier. Having chocolate non-stop to celebrate.

Can't wait to find out in 4-6 weeks if my kid actually took his hoodie off for school pictures

Washing machines are so dramatic, I am also unbalanced 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙮𝙚𝙩 𝙄 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙨𝙞𝙨𝙩. Reluctantly.

“Why does your chin have a smile?” - My son re: my double chin

My 10yo overheard me telling my wife I got job offer in a beautiful, tropical country and freaked out about having to leave her life and friends. Now I know how to get my kid to behave. “GET YOUR HOMEWORK DONE OR WE’LL GO LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY”

My smartwatch: Your heart rate is really high. Me: *staring at a huge, chocolate cake* Mind your own business.

Everyone deserves a world without impaired driving. Learn how Waymo is working to make our roads safer.

there is someone i play halo against all the time. seeing his screen name makes me growl and bare my teeth. he is aggravatingly good. when i win against him (rare) it makes my day. i refer to him as my greatest rival…

Some people will never fully understand the damage they've done to you

this thumb war has gotten out of hand

Tomorrow is national stay at home with your cat and drink beer all day...... Actually I made it up but feel free to participate

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

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I bet there's so much sand inside an ostrich's ears.