Me: <Face ID attempt> Phone: “Who the F are you?” Me: <sprinkles sleep crust across eyelids, pulls 27 frizzy strands out of bun, executes quadruple chin> Phone: “Oh it’s you, come on in”

My daughter was beaming when I picked her up from school today. She proudly announced that she’d been named “third in command” of her dance team. Her dance team, which practices exclusively at recess, is composed of her and her two best friends.

One of my kids *almost* put the trash in the trashcan. So close.

It’s like that couple at the next table doesn’t even want any of us to hear what they’re arguing about. SPEAK UP.

Did I even know we had a mini skeleton head?

Have kids so they can text you messages at work like “Where’s my mini skeleton head”

Makeup goals 20 yrs ago: Smoky eye, match the outfit and occasion Makeup goals today: “Make me look more alive and less asleep”

daughter: we have early dismissal tomorrow son: I’m 99% sure that isn’t true daughter: my friend Kristin told me son: ok, now I’m 99.9% sure it isn’t true me: is Kristin a liar? son: oh, no, I just remembered about tenths

It should be illegal for kids to change their favorite Disney character without giving you a 30 day notice

The plan was to go to bed, but then I discovered three Kit Kats on my nightstand, so now I gotta deal with that.

If I could click even HARDER on the “Don’t remind me again” check boxes, I would.

I wanted to make a joke about sodium, but I thought Na, people won’t get it.

Pants pocket: hi Door handle: wait don’t go!

What I said: it's time for bed What my kid heard: put your Halloween costume on and run around the house

why does Monday and Tuesday take 4 business years but Saturday and Sunday takes 7 minutes.

Due to the Amazon outage, Alexa wasn't working this morning, so I had to stumble out of bed in the dark, find my way to the kitchen, and turn the coffee-maker on MANUALLY. I can't live like this. You guys go on without me.

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Sorry I missed your text. I read it and everything.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online* website: you need to call us for that me: *calls* phone message: we're busy, use the website me:

One of the biggest delusions I have in my adult life is that the butt end of the bread loaf keeps the rest of the loaf fresher.

Getting older means everything's too loud and also not loud enough.