FaithfulDefenceAdvocate
@DefenceFaithful
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Most surprising garments defendants have worn to court.
1. Tshirt with his nickname on in very large letters. Same tshirt he was clearly wearing in the cctv.
Plea: Not Guilty.
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@WalkerMarcus
I wonder if he realises it is possible to talk to your children in other ways than through the Letters page of The Times
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Yet again a sweary male advocate has apologised to me for lots of swearing. Just me. Not the males in the room.
I’m not sure what they think is happening to me every time they unleash an F or a C bomb. Little flutters in my lily-white breast?
I’m a criminal lawyer FFS
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@thesecretbrief
Making an allegation like that can be part of a pattern of coercive control. I’ve seen that a few times, sadly
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@Intarblawyer
Grrr!
Mother in law took me aside once to say her other son (brother in law) was really upset that our children hadn’t written him a thank you note.
I was very clear that she should be telling my husband. Both of us worked full time.
Still annoys me now
#BreakTheBias
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2. Full King Arthur outfit. No sword though.
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Client at police station:
yeh I did X to him. But that’s only because he did Y and Z to me in the past. And also he’s a really nasty person.
Me: well I’m just so glad the government have brought in the He Deserved It Act 2024, because that’s really going to help you here
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Incredible diversity on display
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District Judge: It’s no good citing pressure of work FDA, we all have the same work pressures.
FDA: Oh I’m so sorry Judge, I had no idea that you were on call last night for a farflung police station, and had to go out at 1am and then again at 330am and then up at 7 for court
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Kind of missing the robing room, working mainly from home. The anecdotes especially
I’ve instructed Him Indoors to burst into my workspace every few minutes, tell me one of his career highs, and then walk off before I can contribute anything of my own
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In a friendly robing room-
When something frightening/ unexpected happens to you professionally
Other advocates gather round and start distracting you with anecdotes of their own.
Just witnessed this and I’m very grateful for it.
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@Bolt_451
I dropped a £10 note at the WHSmiith stand on platform 1 in Paddington Station. Sounds like the 1950s but it was late 1990s.
Pete Postlethwaite picked it up and handed it to me with a rueful ‘Please don’t recognise me’ expression. So I didn’t.
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@InnovationMatt
Me: *shuts door on work room firmly, tried to concentrate *
5 minutes later, knock on door
Father-in-law: We thought you’d like a cup of tea and a large slab of fruitcake to keep you going
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I’ve been plodding along nicely on Couch to 5k, now running 8 minutes at a time.
However the next run says I have to run for 20 mins.
I will clearly not survive this. Must be some sort of plan to ease pressure on the NHS by providing middle-aged people with a natural end.
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Dear Judges writing on the sidebar of DCS:
The abbreviation for prison videolink is PVL.
VPL is different, and not something you probably need to be concerned about, considering your robes.
With love, FDA
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Office manager: Can you cover a cvp hearing this afternoon?’
Me: No sorry. I’m going to be outside the Bailey making a TikTok claiming to be able to get anyone off anything ever
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I will never be on the KC list.
But I did just bring a Friday-night police station attendance in at under 2 hours , and I’m home in time for The Traitors.
I am absolutely delighted, and would like to thank all my supporters for their continuing faith in me.
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4.5 sweaty-pawed hours in front of a district judge
After 3 hours work at the weekend.
Not a word of thanks for my hard work, care or sensitivity. From anyone.
Is it mad that I sent myself a text saying ‘well done’?
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Wasn’t Laura Ashley a weird phenomenon?
This is their 1985 catalogue
Women in the era of Madonna and George Michael, desperate to look as if the lived in an unheated Welsh cottage in 1910 and spent their lives bent over the mangle
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This evening I got on a bus and heard a paralegal loudly complaining about their colleagues, their role in the firm, and all the various and different ways in which his colleagues ‘f*** him off.’
A quick Google meant I could instantly identify the firm from the names used.1/2
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@Lucywwatson
I once told a public-school parent I’d taken the children to Hadrian’s wall to look at the Roman sites.
He looked confused and said ‘But why didn’t you just go to Rome?’
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The firm is located 2 mins from the bus stop they got on at.
Please don’t do this in a public place!
It’s very damaging to your own reputation and that of the firm.
2/2
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I’d like to see some honest case summaries on counsel bios:
‘R v A. Evidence overwhelming. Client refused to accept this, messed around until we only got 15% credit. Did my best , most sincere mitigation with the eyes and everything, but he still got substantially potted’
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Legal Twitter badge of honour ⭐️
How many CPD points is this worth now?
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Dear Clients accused of being controlling and coercive
If you want me to believe that you’re not, maybe try sending me demanding emails a bit less frequently?
Yours sincerely, FDA
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@MaxJLHardy
@Defencebrief
@BarristerSecret
Back working in London after a gap of twenty years.
Female in the cells, going nowhere.
I say confidently ‘You’ll be going to Holloway I should think’.
She looks at me as if she thinks she’s seeing an Edwardian ghost and says ‘Holloway’s been shut for ten years’.
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Robing rooms are the best
I don’t care who you are, whether you sit sometimes or whether I’ve heard of your chambers.
If you’re sitting opposite me on a small table I’m going to buy you a coffee and tell you about my case.
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9pm in a rural police station.
Officer: Why do you want to know when the second interview’s going to be? It’s my investigation.
Me: well I’ve been up since 5am, I haven’t eaten, and I need to find somewhere to stay. Basically - because I’m human.
Officer looks affronted
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@Baddiel
‘The Patriarchy, 2021. Melted acrylic on melamine.
Artist’s note: I made this work as a reflexive commentary on male overconfidence in their own decision-making. It is intended to provoke a conversation around self, identity, sexuality, power.
17 squillion pounds.
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Me to CPS.
1. Pls reply to my email
2. Pls reply to my email
3. Pls reply to my email
4. Ok I’ve had case listed for disclosure hrg at court
CPS: OH WOW YOURE SO DEMANDING HERE’s EVERYTHING, YOU OnLY HAD TO ASK
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Unpopular opinion:
not everyone has earth. Or can afford landscaping. Or a pretty patio.
Sometimes this is just a simple option to make a space usable.
And it’s snobbish to sneer from your rose bush-filled 2-acre sanctuary.
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1. At the Hay Festival
@DUALIPA
talked about introducing women in prison to Shuggie Bain by Douglas Stuart
2. A client in prison recently told me they’d been reading Alias Grace by
@MargaretAtwood
and absolutely loved it
Conclusion: books are getting in despite attempts to ban!
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@DrProudman
‘Normal party’? They’re in the dock - if by ‘abuser’ you mean the accused.
And as many have said, the witness can see most of the room.
Charlotte - I’m not sure what your agenda is, but the inaccuracies you carelessly throw about in order to achieve it are not constructive.
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Tfw you receive an email in the morning,
Reply in the afternoon,
And get an auto-reply saying ‘I am no longer employed by this organisation’.
What on earth happened at lunchtime Sandra?
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I won two trials this week
Sorry, let me rephrase that
I had the satisfaction of being involved in two cases where the state of the admissible evidence meant that my side was victorious.
I did an imperfect job because I’m human but the right outcome still happened
#smallwins
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Dear lawyers
Whether you’re in the Supreme Court this morning, or stuck in the police station,
your work matters. Your attention to detail, the care you take, the way you speak to someone.
Representation matters, because people matter. Let’s demonstrate that today. .
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If anyone is in any doubt about my level of self-discipline
They had Baileys-filled doughnuts in my coffee shop this morning
It’s nearly Christmas
And I didn’t have one.
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Is there a word for that thing when your court opponent, having been quite confrontational and rude earlier, decides that they’re going to be your best buddy as the end of the hearing approaches?
Asking for a learned ‘friend’.
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Criminal defence can be draining and demoralising.
But
Once on the concourse of a Magistrates’ Court a client drew me this picture with a black biro and a scrap piece of paper. And that’s pretty special.
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Thinking of all criminal lawyers at this very special
‘You’ve got to get me a little bit of bail even just over the Christmas period come on I’m desperate’
time of year
🔔🎄🎅🏻
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@DavidMuttering
Legal Fact: If a defendant can show that he can spend at least twelve months without committing any crimes a Judge may decide to be lenient towards him when sentencing.
This is known as a ‘Good Year’ direction
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I did it!!! Twenty mins running, without a break.
I was genuinely spurred on by all your comments. Some so specific in terms of what I’d achieved already - you all really took the time to give me constructive encouragement
Thanks so much Twitter friends
@Couchto5K
I’ve been plodding along nicely on Couch to 5k, now running 8 minutes at a time.
However the next run says I have to run for 20 mins.
I will clearly not survive this. Must be some sort of plan to ease pressure on the NHS by providing middle-aged people with a natural end.
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Going to start my own Chambers &Partners.
Ranking barristers solely according to how much unnecessary noise they make in the robing room.
Valid questions/ sharing/ helping/ case discussions : ✅
How many Judge’s homes I’ve been to/ How I’m always right/ People I scorn: ❌
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Absolutely wrecked today after starting at 3am with police station attendance
However an experienced court usher who I respect very much said
‘I really don’t know how you do your job - coping with all those stressful people and situations’
A little moment of appreciation 💕
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I was a newly-qualified solicitor in 1999.
I remember a postmistress coming in distraught, saying she had been charged with offences she hadn’t committed.
Someone else dealt with the case. I assume she was convicted. No one had the bigger picture then.
I still feel guilty
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Bad Points which clients think are good points:
1. The classic.
‘They didn’t have a warrant’.
‘No, they didn’t need one. And they found a sofa-sized block of cocaine so 🤷♀️‘
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Client: yeah ok I’m guilty of drink-driving. But I really really can’t lose my licence
Me:
Client: you don’t understand. I go everywhere in my car. It’s part of me
Me: okaaay. 3 times a year I’m allowed to use my magic ‘Get out of disqualification free’ card. Tell me more.
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@jimrobottom
I’m a Professor of Equinology, specialising in the larger variety. Get off your high horse.
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Some personal news:
I’ve finally reached the stage in my career when I hope there’s a District Judge sitting, rather than hoping for a lay bench 🎉🎉
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Things I should just get tattooed on my forehead:
1. The police won’t give your phone back until the conclusion of the case
2. It doesn’t matter that she’s not very nice, it’s not mitigation
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@JacquiMckenzie6
@FaiselSadiq
This is such an interesting thread Jacqui.
It often strikes me as sad that people will travel and make the effort to attend a funeral when they didn’t see the person much in life. Not the same, but related perhaps.
Shyness and reserve gets in the way of so much
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Still up on the police station calls
Lots of people seem to have celebrated a sunny bank holiday in the traditional British fashion, by assaulting each other
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Our Case Management System has separate templates for
‘Blank letter to Counsel’
And
‘Blank letter to KC’.
I’m imagining that the latter is presented in Gothic script, perhaps with some gilding on the capitals
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Going into today with the confidence of an advocate who opened his bail app in the MC with:
‘I represent the defendant (pause)
I am a Higher Rights Advocate (pause)
I appear in the highest courts in the land’.
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Things my clients say that make me laugh:
1. ‘Make it make sense’
Well that’s easy, because it does make sense. They’ve seized your phone because there’s evidence to suspect you’re involved in Class A dealing. ✅
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Don’t get high on your client’s supply
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I don’t normally ask for prayer on here but
-I’m wearing red lipstick
- it’s an important professional day
- I really need it not to go on my teeth
🙏🏻
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When I get to the end of a new client’s IDPC and find he has No convictions and No cautions, I’m so proud of him I feel quite tearful
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You’ve gotta love officers discussing what to put in their statements whilst everything is captured on BodyWorn video.
‘I’ll just say I didn’t hear you’
😆
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Good luck to all going through the pupillage process.
I remember when my friend asked for advice on her application and was told ‘Well a lot of our applicants have done things like Olympic swimming. Have you got anything like that you can put down?’
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District Judge, staring straight at me, speaking fiercely;
And you must NOT go to xyz, do you understand? However much you want to. (a pause) Sorry FDA I’m saying that to the defendant, not you, it’s just that you’re in my eyeline.
FDA: I just about gathered that Judge
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Things I would like to say to legal advisers if I could get them in a small room:
1. Explaining allocation, procedure, sentencing guidelines, evidence, credit, bail and s45 Modern Slavery Act, all through an interpreter, takes longer than 10 min. Stop ringing down to the cells.
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Can some of you randomly interrupt me this morning to tell me how you’ve got a 99% acquittal rate, or you’re godfather to 20 of your client’s children, or how the Judge just told you to stick your KC application in immediately?
Working on my own and I miss the robing room
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Thinking today about when my client turned up for his hearing with a documentary crew in tow.
When he was told they could not film him during his hearing, he and the filmmakers walked out, leaving me to try to explain things to the judge
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Sometimes it’s the little things that keep you going.
Today: police statement identifying a brand of tobacco as ‘Golden Vagina’
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I personally don’t find swords/ axes/ machetes particularly ‘ornamental’ or ‘decorative’- do you?
The proportion of my clients who do is surprising.
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I just got straight through to a certain East London Crown Court.
The list officer was very concerned to hear that my client had been calling me angrily twice a day from prison.
He immediately listed the matter on the next working day, apologetic about the delay
#IstApril
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Bought this as a drinks trolley, but I think my true priorities are becoming apparent
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@HoldingPSQB
‘Incredibly onerous bail conditions. Well: just one incredibly onerous bail condition, actually’
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Favourite police spelling mistakes :
‘Body Warn camera’ is pretty high up there
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How to make WFH more like the robing room part IV:
Make sure you have a cat.
They can stand in for that one person who never acknowledges your presence, despite the fact you’ve been working alongside each other for years
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I witnessed a Robing Room Classic today:
Older man addresses younger female✅
Whilst dressing ✅
Unnecessarily close to her✅
Confidently reciting the facts of the case +his judgement of all the participants ✅
And of the f Judge, called by her first name ✅
Full house
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This will prevent many people, including my in laws, from travelling anywhere
Not everyone has/ can use a mobile phone- including some elderly people and those with learning disabilities
Why are we hastening people into loneliness and isolation?
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Yet again a court refuses to accept what I know to be true about a defendant’s personal circumstances, relevant to trial next week.
As a ruthlessly honest person, it is disappointing to be treated as a liar just because I am defence counsel.
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female family and crime counsel:
Family:
Complete matching Hobbs suit, (often with scalloped edging).heels ,hair perfect, posh silvery voice, tiptoes between canteen and court
Crime: hair in an elastic band, mismatched black, straining button of trousers, running about
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Anyone else in a sorting-out mood today?
So far I have:
- reduced the pile of newspapers
- sorted the pan cupboard
-discarded all the Tupperware that doesn’t have a lid
And
Hold on to your hats, but I’ve just put rinse aid in the dishwasher 💪🏻🔥💥
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Just walked into a room and saw a person I recognise and v much respect from Legal Twitter
This person does not know me as I’m anonymous and I could not break cover
It was poignant
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Everything has to be talked about so much these days. What’s wrong with being in a relationship with an oak tree and keeping it to yourself?
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The peace of a robing room at 1030
The busy trial bees have stopped their negotiating and gone off to courtrooms
Everything is quiet until lunchtime
It’s like being off school with something minor, sitting on the sofa while your Mum hoovers around you and Pledges furniture
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@caffeinemedic
‘Causing the stigmata’
Being a living miracle sounds like it could be quite a chill job for this guy? Pretty Alpha as well
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@Bethan_Kate
This reminds me of an antenatal grp where there were little cards and we had to put them in order of what happened in labour
My h said ‘Can I choose ‘a show’ because that’s the only one that sounds fun
And my mate sd ‘if it’s a funny show you might get this one - ‘Wet knickers’
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Meet, advise, proof, brief, instruct, ask, obtain, research, argue, argue again, win.
Client: Why didn’t you get my trainers back, they were new trainers
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Some personal news:
I am happy to report that I secured victory during my working day yesterday. At the Crown Court sitting at Sitting Room Desk.
By ‘secured victory’ I mean ‘did a reasonable day’s work without crying or losing my temper’.
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Show me the movie or tv character you wanted to be as a kid versus the one you actually grew up to be.
I will be taking no questions.
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Eerily prescient stuff here from spoof spad Rafe Hubris. Written way before the current explosion of revelations
@JoshBerryComedy
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I live in a street of 31 houses.
34 men stepped forward to serve in WW1.
6 did not return. 8 were wounded. 20 returned- but who knows at what cost.
At this time of year a large poppy spears in the window of each house which sent men away, with their fate. It’s very moving.
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I have been mocked at times for always being keen to bring Applications to Dismiss and half-time submissions.
But - look what happens if you don’t.
An astonishing case.
The full judgment in R -v- Auriol Grey is now available online:
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Why Twitter resembles the Robing Room ( and I don’t want it to change):
-great source of advice, if you filter out the nonsense
-wonderful solidarity to be found in mutually raising an eyebrow at show-offs
-you can lurk and just listen if you’re not up to contributing
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Legal Twitter - Are there any sentencing guidelines for ‘Accidental opening of the door to delivery person having forgotten one is painting wearing underwear only?’
It goes without saying - I’m asking for a friend
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Once when I was a live-in nanny for the summer, in a gorgeous Manor House, the mum of the house said any letters I received had to be addressed ‘care of’ the address because it wasn’t my house and that should be acknowledged
The rich really can be mean
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Would this have happened if robing rooms still had cafes serving a nice lunch?
Sheffield trial collapsed after juror overheard barrister discussing case in café located 150 yards from court
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Scenes from court
1. Advocate tells the court his client definitely does not abuse alcohol.
Meanwhile, a strong smell of booze drifts across the court.
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When someone says Liberty I instantly think of this ⬇️
Instead of the campaigning organisation
This is why I will never be a proper human rights lawyer
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Crown court litigator vs Police Station Rep
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