dave wagner
@Dbwagner104
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two things make me happy and two things only: leftist policy and surly cats
wilds of the east coast
Joined November 2008
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Pinned Tweet
It should be illegal to try to move your cat out of frame during a Zoom meeting
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Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying " awww, pobrecita chancleta" (literally, "poor little flip-flop"). he's never living this down
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my cat has no responsibilities, but all day he walks around the house from room to room with this utter sense of purpose, as if he has an endless to-do list of tasks no one asked for. just this weird small furry dude going about his little cat errands.
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i went to a cat cafe today and all the cats were existing peacefully in their cozy cat utopia except for one ridiculous orange boy who made it his mission to fling his whole body at every other cat who was receiving any attention at all and i was like, yup, on brand
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one time a vet tried to give Sandal a shot. Sandal escaped from the large tech holding him, & then proceeded to run into and OCCUPY the clinic's break room. he refused to let anyone in until i drove from work to get him. the tech simply shook his head & said, "he's very strong."
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My cat is always his own best advocate. One time, mere minutes after he had just eaten, this guy meowed 147 times in one hour (i counted) before we gave up and just gave him more food. I admire his persistence, even as it chips away at my will to live.
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orange cats are great, but it is important that we all recognize that every one of them would gleefully recline their seat on an airplane all the way back if they could, without feeling bad about it at all
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The University of Michigan has instituted a cruel policy forcing students who file complaints of sexual assault to be cross-examined by the alleged perpetrators of the crime.
In person.
This policy is absurd and traumatizing. It will only deter survivors from making reports.
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every night, Sandal gets in bed first and does this. literally the most intrusive manner in which he could choose to sleep on our bed with us. i'm being trolled by an 18-pound furry orange dude on a nightly basis and i'm helpless to stop him because he's too adorable.
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do not touch the paw. you think he wants you to touch the paw. his face is, after all, quite earnest. you are mistaken. he's tricking you. this is sophisticated cat stuff. seriously, don't buy the ticket to this ride.
you're going to try to touch the paw, aren't you
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a stray cat often comes to our screen door and hisses at Sandal.
but she's not mean: she's scared. she's had a tough life and Sandal is big.
but yesterday, Sandal saw through it. he ignored the hissing. he sat there until they were friends.
this orange boy will save the world.
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i get frustrated by how my cat acts at the vet. but honestly, if anything he's being really reasonable considering that his best friend has brought him against his will to a stranger who takes his blood, pokes at him, and criticizes his weight for some unknown reason
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while i was working today, my cat jumped on the desk, immediately knocked everything over for no reason, and then somehow collapsed on top of every single item i needed to use. he did all of this in under 30 seconds. incredible efficiency. a perfect animal.
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i told Sandal that millions of cats are brushed against their will every day and that the people who do it aren't even in jail. this is the moment he realized life is not fair
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people say an awful lot of dumb things on this site. instead of getting angry at them, consider looking at this cat.
look at his serious little face.
look at how orange he is. he could not be more orange.
look at him.
are you still angry? if you are, keep looking at him.
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it's important to start every day by petting your cat's little head and telling them that they're doing a great job of being a cat, they value this kind of feedback
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when i stand up and leave a room, my cat acts like he has to also get up. he is very resentful about this. like he has to rearrange his whole day to compensate.
he was safe. he was happy. now this!
the big dream of all cats is for us to just stay in the same room all the time.
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i went on vacation for a couple of days and, despite having an excellent cat sitter, Sandal has determined this must never happen again. he is ensuring this by laying on top of me at all times. i no longer have the ability to move.
this is what effective activism looks like.
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imagine you are a cat. you have no money. you cannot buy food at a store. you can only eat what a strange person gives you. they speak to you in a high-pitched voice and pick you up.
your whole body is built for chaos and murder.
i'm just saying. what are you planning.
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Sandal is struggling with the concept of Halloween. why would he want to pretend to be anything other than Sandal? incomprehensible; foolish.
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i have lived in the same house for seven years and somehow my cat still finds new hiding places that i cannot find. this is not a large place and he is quite a large cat. yet every few months, i spend about twenty minutes looking for him. how does he do this?
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my cat saw 7 brand new fox babies in our yard this morning. despite both fox parents being present, he's not entirely sure he isn't somehow responsible for taking care of these small creatures and i think the uncertainty is gradually destroying his brain
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sometimes my cat will walk around the house meowing loudly and mournfully from room to room for minutes and we're like, "what is this epic tale of loss he's trying to tell," and it turns out he just wanted to let us know he used the litter box
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This morning, Virginia Senator Amanda Chase (R) told her constituents from her Facebook page that "it's those who are naive and unprepared who end [up] raped." The most hideous and blatant victim-blaming of survivors imaginable.
This hasn't gone national yet. Let's change that.
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Sandal met a new feral cat who was clearly very interested in him: and why wouldn't she be, he is a prosperous bachelor with a lot going for him.
But he did not reciprocate. Sandal is a legendary breaker of hearts. he does not seek romance, only truth. and tubes of fish paste.
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contrary to sandal's best efforts, the doritos remain entombed inside a tough plastic bag he cannot hope to penetrate. does the world contain any beauty at all, he wonders
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A CBS poll indicates that 57% of Republicans believe the 176k Coronavirus deaths to be "acceptable" losses.
It's been clear for decades that the GOP is fine with letting the most vulnerable people in our nation suffer & die unnecessarily, but this is still stark & disgusting.
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so i set up an instagram for Sandal some time ago. i looked at his dms today and he had like 30 messages from pet brands who wanted to sponsor him. it's neat, but i don't think i really needed to know that my cat could easily have a more successful career than me
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Sandal often starts walking somewhere, then changes his mind seconds later and lays down. he has realized walking isn't fun, and that more walking won't be fun either.
cats know they don't like unpleasant things and shouldn't do them. this is why they are smarter than us.
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UNC-Chapel Hill just ended their experiment with in-person, on-campus instruction after less than a week because of 135 new COVID cases. We are not ready for this, folks. Stop trying to make in-person learning happen during a pandemic.
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little known fact: cats absorb knowledge merely by laying on documents or books. it's why they do it. the so-called "experts" will deny this truth, even to your face. but look at this boy. this is a cat who has learned too much and can now see time.
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We could all learn a lot about enforcing our own boundaries from cats. Check out my cat's palpable disgust and rage when I pet his head even one single time more than he wanted
#Caturday
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my cat and i have a delightful game: 1) he sees me use the computer, 2) he sprawls on my lap, 3) he becomes inexplicably Very Angry that i continue to use the computer, and 4) he attacks my hands & leaves.
i do not know the rules of this game, but i have definitely never won it.
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one thing i didn't realize when i first got cats was that, for them, "playing" is basically a form of performance art, where i am expected to put on an oscar-caliber acting display to make a grumpy furry fellow excited to play with his own toys
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sandal looking at me rn like "are you set? did you get enough CONTENT from my life for your TWITTER, dad?"
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you wake up with a giant orange cat face above you. you are being judged.
at first, you can't imagine your crime. then it occurs to you: his crunchies. they have been in his bowl for three hours. their flavor is no longer ideal.
your fate is sealed. you are doomed.
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a cat would never lose $50k to a scam artist. for one thing, they have no money. for another, if cats could talk, they'd love to say "no" to things. they'd just say "no" all day long. no one has ever loved anything as much as cats love refusing to do things you want them to do.
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Fez just sneezed in his sleep and woke himself up and has decided it was somehow all my fault
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my cat saw a leaf blow outside. this was all it took. it instantly broke something in his brain. he ran across the room, pupils wider than canyons, while yowling. then he flopped on his back and stared at me.
this makes more sense than anything i've seen in the news all week.
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when Sandal was a kitten, four of him could have fit in this basket simultaneously and comfortably.
obviously, baskets are now shrinking of their own accord. no one is talking about this. everybody should be.
who benefits from these shrinking baskets? why are they doing this
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at first i thought she was saying "chunkletta," and tbh i was like, "okay okay, judgmental but fair"
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there are now several stray cats seeking to court Sandal through our window. an endless stream of, frankly, quite aggressive ladies meowing poetry at this evidently prosperous orange boy, who slumbers indifferently through their invitations. we are under siege, please send help.
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no one talks about the damage sun beams have done to catkind. cats are helpless against their power. this boy, for instance, is obviously a deep thinker. imagine the discoveries of which he is capable. but it is not to be. his brain is imprisoned behind bars of sunlight.
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Sandal is committed to never feeling any inconvenience. he meows at me when he's bored. when it's noisy. when it's windy out. he does not stop until conditions change.
we should all be so certain we deserve comfort, and that a lack of it should become someone else's problem.
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the reason cats are no longer allowed to vote is because they all just wrote in their own names. for decades, they did this. absolute chaos. millions of cats, each earning one vote. plus, they'd get ink all over their paws. a mess.
this stuff is in books, people.
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this is how he sleeps next to me while i work to buy him treats. all day. look at how pleased with himself he is
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we give our cat progressively larger boxes to lounge in, so that he has the illusion that he's really successful at his cat tasks and is upwardly mobile as a result. this big guy is living the dream and moving on up to a lifestyle his cat parents couldn't even imagine!
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Sandal has so much contempt for the exploitation inherent in the 8-hour human workday that today he snored so loudly it could be heard on an important work call on Zoom: on the other side of the room. this was not one loud snore: it was over many minutes. a true hero for labor.
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here is pobrecita chancleta a couple weeks older. i've said this before, but originally we were only going to adopt one kitten, and had picked out Sandal's brother. Sandal said "nah" and climbed on top of me and refused to move until we decided he could come with us, too.
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no. i don't think i will accept your Teams meeting request.
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one time a vet convinced us to give Sandal fewer treats. "he'll get used to it," we thought.
he did not. he decided we would not sleep again unless he got his crunchies.
Sandal knows a crucial truth: just because you CAN get used to almost anything doesn't mean you SHOULD.
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if anyone has ever wondered if
@jortsthecat
is an actual cat or a person pretending to be a cat, i would like to note that he dm'd me at 3 am last night to complain about nothing. this is the most on-brand cat behavior ever. case closed.
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many years ago, Sandal was a small boy. one of six kittens. this is Pobrecita Chancleta at a mere one week old. look at the toe beans. look at them.
a tiny boy who would go on to devour the world (probably)
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you can see the wheels in his tiny cat brain turning. awe-inspiring. the staggering power of the One Collective Orange Braincell focused entirely on creating chaos
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Sandal doesn't know what an orca is. after a week of hearing fireworks every night, though, he supports the orcas and whatever plans they might have for world conquest. their new world order might be unpredictable or even tyrannical, but maybe it would be quiet
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no one is ready for this much cat. you may think you are. many people think this.
many people are wrong.
do you see how much cat this is?
just a ridiculous amount of cat, this guy
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we left Sandal alone in the house for an hour and now he's pissed about how we weren't there for when he saw a bunch of leaves blowing around out the window. i just hope this relationship can be repaired somehow.
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we live in a sick world. a cynical world. a world where birds would choose to be outside in the cold rather than come inside and be best friends with a large orange cat who is so obsessed with eating that he sometimes bites cardboard out of curiosity.
it's just sad, is all.
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the world is an unmitigated disaster, wherein the worst possible dystopian visions of every piece of fiction have somehow come to pass simultaneously. also, though, here is a picture of pobrecita chancleta climbing on me when he was only a couple weeks old.
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some people think that when cats meow, they are screaming about their problems. this is false. laughable, even. in truth, they are singing. if you speak cat, the songs are quite beautiful.
all of the songs are about how you don't know how to do anything and should be better.
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Several dams have failed in Midland, MI. 11k people are at risk. Downtown could soon be 9 ft underwater.
Also, a chemical plant might be in the flood's path.
This is what happens when we neglect water infrastructure for decades. A horrific tragedy that should've been prevented.
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i started running every day a few months ago. while it started off awful & unenjoyable, i was determined to get into it. and let me tell you, after a lot of work, sacrifice, and perseverance, i can say with 100% sincerity that running is still absolutely the worst part of my day.
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Sandal knows there is a place where fish come from. he knows fish do not spontaneously appear. he is not a fool.
but he could never imagine an ocean. and even if he could imagine an ocean, he certainly would never enter one. have you ever seen a wet cat? undignified. ridiculous.
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the cumulative experience and wisdom of a million generations of orange cats has led to this creature. a being of utter and perfect chaos, unencumbered by even the slightest bit of brain activity
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One time in college I threw a garbage bag into a dumpster and accidentally threw my keys with it. I somehow decided it was less embarrassing to jump into six feet of trash than ask for help.
The point: don't feel bad,
@JortsTheCat
, sometimes people have trashcan mishaps, too.
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this is Sandal's mom, Penelope, with her six kittens, right after they were born. one of the great single mothers of our time.
their dad was a large orange boy who immediately checked out. never even paid child support. typical. brain cell never so much as contemplated a visit.
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Sandal just told me that, because i left my chair and he was able to claim it, he is now Dave and i am Sandal. i don't know who made this rule but it is outrageous and we should get rid of it. i don't care how delicious these cat treats are
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Sorry, work, no Zoom calls today, I stood up for three seconds and this guy made himself at home on my chair and now he's claimed it forever. It would be breaking the law to move him
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we give this stray cat food almost daily. we love her. she acts like we're her only friends in the whole world.
i looked at nextdoor today, and this same cat has been doing this bit with folks in every neighborhood for a mile radius. every day. very proud of her, a+ catting.
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look at these nose freckles. it's very important that you look at them. see them. appreciate them. sandal will know if you're not looking.
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here is a cat who has never received the slightest bit of attention ever, from anyone. just ask him. seriously tragic stuff.
#Caturday
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"no, sir. i do not bite my toe beans at you, sir. but i do bite my toe beans." -- william shakespurr, probably
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Sandal says you should stop structuring your life around work. take your vacation time. have that pastry. contort your far-too-large orange body into a small box. roll around on a bathroom mat until it smells like you.
okay some of this may be overly specific but it's good stuff
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imagine. a world where we must toil for 40-80 hours a week to facilitate the existence of a fluffy chaos demon whose life consists of sleep punctuated by feedings of fish paste in a tube.
a stark vision of the future. but what if i told you: this is the world we live in today.
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Sandal has an automatic feeder that gives him crunchies every few hours. he doesn't like to eat out of that bowl, though. so each time, we must physically move the crunchies from that bowl to a bowl he likes, or he will meow directly into our ears. be like Sandal. never settle.
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the self-improvement movement has passed cats by. every single cat believes they are already perfect. they are right, of course.
Sandal would not go to a gym. muscles will not help him get more treats or improve his chaos-making. he is shaped like a pineapple and this is fine.
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you had a chair once. you had headphones. he has taken these things. now they are his. absorbed by a lounging orange fluff-dragon with bedhead. there is nothing you can possess that he cannot take away.
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my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with "oh we're singing now?" and start melodically meowing back at him
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for cats, there is no victory as satisfying as throwing a fit and successfully refusing to take medicine that would help you.
note the clear sense of purpose in his eyes. the obvious swagger. this boy is convinced he has triumphed over the worst adversity the world can offer.
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Trump's campaign manager named their 2020 reelection campaign "Death Star." It's an odd choice, considering:
1) 70k real Americans have died under Trump's watch in a month
2) The Empire were... the baddies, &
3) The Death Star is a symbol for hubris that gets blown up. Always.
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Sandal was nice enough to wake me up to tell me that, apparently, there is suddenly a hairball on the comforter and i should probably wash it. he didn't have any other information. he hopes that someday we can find out who did this and bring them to justice.
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the birds outside seem wary of Sandal's presence. they do not trust him, and this troubles him. i hope they haven't been taking the fact that he incessantly chases and chews on plush toys that look exactly like them personally, that was never his intention
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cats will save twitter. cat accounts will be the ancient ornery rent-controlled tenants who just refuse to let a crumbling building turn into profitable condos against all reason
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he's dreaming of freeing all the turkeys and creating a dictatorship of the plump, flightless proletariat.
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my cat went to sleep on my tv remote and hit a button and my tv started talking. then i couldnt figure out how to make it stop talking. i had to watch a youtube video to learn how to make it stop, my television speaking to me all the while.
this should not be our lives
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Fez was taking a well-deserved nap but wanted to make sure you knew that Starbucks fired seven workers in Memphis yesterday for organizing a union. He also wanted to remind you that firing workers for organizing violates federal law, even if the company makes up a dumb excuse.
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There is nothing more pathetic than Republicans crying crocodile tears over a loss of civility they themselves engendered. You broke it, you bought it.
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all hope seemed lost. congress was in chaos. they couldn't agree on anything... how would they ever agree on a Speaker?
and then it happened. he happened. a clear consensus candidate emerged from out of nowhere. the one creature on earth with the vision to unite a nation.
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i told sandal about his story going viral and he's thrilled
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I feel like a lot of influential conservatives don't have any idea how much mass resentment there is toward the fact that our society is held hostage by their refusal to take simple safety precautions seriously at any point. It's pervasive, powerful, and absolutely deserved.
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how the beast slumbers (note: he's dreaming about violent revolution, tho)
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Hi, PhD in history over here.
Concentration camps. They're concentration camps.
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By tweeting LIBERATE MICHIGAN, Trump knows what he's doing. He's encouraging his fans to gather, spread a virus, & possibly die: all to make life difficult for a governor he hates.
Somehow "petty" doesn't do it justice.
Trump is walking people off a cliff; the GOP shrugs.
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friends! there is no need to keep your top-secret boxes in your weird chandelier bathroom. if you've got top secret boxes, Sandal will happily take care of them for you. it is no problem for Sandal. he will absolutely destroy the contents, but the boxes themselves will be fine.
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a happy boy who just was told his mom is coming home from her trip today
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