Caissie
@Caissie
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TV Jokes! FORMER Letterman/Rosie/BWE w/ @pftompkins /Watch What Happens Live! w/ @Andy Cohen, Busy Tonight! YA novelist, author @debenham 's girl. She/her
CT/NYC/PEI/LA
Joined November 2008
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Pinned Tweet
Sometimes I talk about my pain to hide the jokes that I am feeling inside.
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Stephen Hawking was diagnosed with ALS at 21 & given just 2 years to live. Not only did he defy the odds for 52 years, even as his body failed him, his mind soared. I hope his meeting with the Universe was beyond even his wildest imagining. 💜
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It’s kinda wild seeing pics of so many police officers all over the USA wearing so much paramilitary gear they look like Robocops while some doctors in our hospitals are still wearing garbage bags for PPE.
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I’m happy for Mr. Wordle. He made a game for his partner because she loved word games, then he shared it with all of us for nothing. Now he gets a million unexpected dollars. Because he loved someone!
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So many messages telling those who are struggling to reach out. Fair enough, but part of what depression does is mutes your ability to reach. If you are NOT depressed & you see someone struggling, YOU reach out. If you don’t see someone who used to be around, YOU reach out.
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@HBOMaxHelp
Dear Intern, I was using my desktop calendar to make a monthly note of when I started my menstrual period, but after several months I realized I was making that note on a calendar I shared with all of my colleagues company wide. I was 37 years old.
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Men are too emotional to hold office.
DOJ just issued the McCabe report - which is a total disaster. He LIED! LIED! LIED! McCabe was totally controlled by Comey - McCabe is Comey!! No collusion, all made up by this den of thieves and lowlifes!
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Saw a guy on the picket line & not to profile, clocked that he wasn’t a writer. Way too much swag. Turns out, he was an agent, mad that he was the only agent out there with us. I said, “Well, thank you for being here. It’s very cool of you.” He shrugged & said, “I love conflict.”
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I got my son a SAD lamp because he lives in New England & his apartment doesn’t get a lot of natural light & he told me his cat taught herself how to turn it on & she has been using it a lot.
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I’ve worked in television for going on 30 years now. 😱 This very young woman is the best editor I have ever seen.
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Saw a girl in a Ramones shirt & asked her to name her five favorite songs & she just looked at me & said nothing. Then her mom was like, “She’s 11 months old.”
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One time backstage at Letterman, I dropped a glass coffee pot & it smashed in a million pieces & I said, “Oh my god, I’m such an idiot.” I did not know Charles Grodin was behind me & he said “Lots of people are going to call you an idiot in this business. Don’t be one of ‘em!”
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Once in a writer’s room we jokingly tried to come up with the most heinous prank show ideas. My pitch was that we convinced people coming out of anesthesia after surgery that they’d been asleep for 30 years. This one actually might be meaner?
Gaten Matarazzo's cool new Netflix prank show is all about screwing with people trying to find work
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And just like that, I’m a Jets fan.
Jets co-owner Christopher Johnson says he will pay any fines his players might be subjected to as part of the NFL's new national anthem policy, per
@BobGlauber
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My bag was pulled out to be hand examined at the airport. TSA agent: Ma’am, what is this? Me: It’s...a...thing, you put in the tub & it fizzes & um melts? TSA agent: Is it a bath bomb? Me: Well...I was trying not to say that word. 😬😬😬
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Dr. Fauci says even after we are all vaccinated we should continue to not wear flip flops.
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Women, have you ever told a guy you know a story about another guy that they don’t know doing something that didn’t sit right with you only to have the guy you’re talking to start defending the guy that only exists in his mind because of the story you told him? Wild phenomenon.
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Anyone who thought this was a bunny for more than one second shouldn’t be allowed to drive after dusk.
Bunny or bird? Optical illusion may be the new "The Dress" debate
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I really wish Daft Punk had not told us they were splitting up. Just give a new guy the helmet & let us think everything is fine. I also wish my parents had worn helmets & done this. Maybe this is more of a conversation to have with a therapist.
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How can a person hate being lonely but also love being alone? I don’t know, but I am fucking great at it!
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It seems so clear to me that he read a bulletin that said “All Bahamas” & thought it said “Alabama.” And now we have to live through this ridiculousness. Sending love to everyone who is being affected by this hurricane while this goober tries to spin & save orange face.
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If anyone has access to any of Donald Trump's other tax returns, please microwave them to me.
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I just saw a woman in a coffee shop writing a script on her laptop. She bit her pastry, smiled, tapped out a line, then giddily clapped for herself. I would never take her picture to share, sorry, but that’s the voyeuristic love story that gave me an extra life today.
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Why do you keep asking your family members when they are going to get married or have kids? Why don’t you ask them what it’s like to do whatever they want & pee without anybody walking in? Single family members are like celebrities to me.
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I heard a white guy faced a consequence & I had to hold onto the wall to steady myself.
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Times are rough out here for women, but I’d like to recognize all the guys I know who have spoken up recently. Both of you are great.
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Oh, calm down. You didn’t even know James Madison had a crystal flute until yesterday. 🙄
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If Pence says anything that sounds like it makes sense, remember he signed a bill to require women to hold funerals for their miscarriages.
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Maybe we could bring back “Pop Up Video” but it’s where the news show is fact-check by a team as it airs, then instantly or quickly, is rerun with fact-check bubbles. News networks, consider this my pitch. DO @ me!
I understand you can’t always fact check in the moment. (Although that one was a softball.) But I have a solution. If a mouthpiece goes on a show 3 times and tells a flagrant, demonstrable lie they are not ever invited back.
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The fiancé of Miss California USA 2010 won his 19th gold medal in swimming.
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@calebsaysthings
One time an AirBnB lady asked me to keep an eye out for her cat & if I saw him, to catch him & bring him back in the house where I presumably was to cat sit him for the rest of my stay. Ma’am, I’m not here for a capture & rescue mission, I’m on a business trip.
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To everyone who said, "Yeah, but Hillary will be a hawk," I want you to know I have procured a hawk. I have named her Hillary. And I'm training her to peck your faces off.
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Well, if you take the red states out, Hillary Clinton is our President & we all went back to work & school in May.
Trump says if you "take the blue states out" US Covid deaths would be at a very low level.
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Ugh. I skipped lunch all throughout middle school because I was on the reduced payment program & they made us flash this pink laminated badge of shame. What bitter, cruel asshole would make this decision?
Students who owe lunch money will only get a cold jelly sandwich, district says
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Hillary Clinton could shrug & say, "Fucking Spanx, man." and lock down 100% of the women's vote.
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I want to be successful enough to throw a shoe at someone then leave without having to go back & get that shoe.
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Am I wearing a Prince t-shirt? Yes. Was a man walking toward me in Grand Central also wearing a Prince t-shirt? Yes. Did we high-five as we passed each other? Yes.
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Been watching The Muppet Show all weekend. I forgot they used to let old, unfuckable people be famous.
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Laura Ingraham’s Wikipedia page has been updated to reflect her most recent accomplishments!
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Everybody on Facebook is bragging about what colleges their kids got into. I mean, I guess that’s fine? But tonight my son made dinner. And dinner was nachos. You can’t learn those kind of instincts, it’s a gift.
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I have replaced my inner critical voice with Fred Armisen’s impression of Joy Behar saying “So what? Who cares?” and it is really fucking working.
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How many popular songs from, say, 1950 until now, are an adult man singing his creepy thoughts about a teenage girl? Like, 80%? If you told me there was a song called, “If There’s Grass on the Field, and We’re Gonna Play Ball” that was a hit in 1965, I’d believe you.
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Seeing so much, “What about the man’s rights?” surrounding the abortion debate. He’s got rights. He’s got the right to not have sex. Any man who is anti-abortion should exercise his rights by abstaining immediately, completely & indefinitely.
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@kittenwithawhip
@chrissyteigen
I will take 5 “Foul Mouthed Wife” t-shirts in every style, please.
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So many songs about partying all night, being up all night. We need more songs about leaving at a reasonable time & getting 8 hours of sleep. We need songs about how there was gonna be a party but nobody could agree on a date so there’s been an indefinite rain check.
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Do we really think “take her out” meant he wanted her fired? Like, he’s definitely familiar with the word “fired” & never hesitates to use it. Seems weird that he wouldn’t just say “fire her” if that’s what he meant? I’m not trying to start shit. I wouldn’t want to get “fired.”
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Any journalist saying Michelle Wolf attacked Sarah Huckabee Sanders for her looks is not a very good journalist. Lordy, there are tapes! You just outed yourself as someone unable to relay basic, fresh-from-the-oven facts!
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I hope Jill & Joe hire Four Seasons Total Landscaping to fix the Rose Garden.
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@VanityFair
Six New Year’s Resolutions for Vanity Fair’s Hive Editors: 1) Don’t make videos on Ambien 2) Show some fucking respect to the 1st female Presidential nominee of a major political party & the former 1st lady & Secretary of State 3) Learn what funny is 4) Fuck off 5) see 4 6) see 5
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@RudyGiuliani
He’s fine. He lives on a farm now where he gets to run & play all day. He will miss you, but he’s very happy there.
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Please know that I am the kind of person who wants to consume what is on HBOMax, but am reluctant to switch from Roku because I would miss the silent purple scrolling fictional cityscape screensaver, which is truly my favorite TV show & what I watch most.
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@MarkHarrisNYC
I got a gift card to go to a fancy spa in NYC & felt like a fish out of water. This very regal older woman made conversation with me as we sat in our robes & put me at ease. Then she chewed through several pieces of decorative potpourri from a bowl on the table & I said nothing.
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@DannyDeraney
@HBOMaxHelp
I only realized it when a dude co-worker muttered “Why does it always say PERIOD on here?” to himself. 😳
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Will I be able to follow Joker 2 if I didn't see Joker 1 & also if I don't see Joker 2?
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Jimmy Kimmel COULD HAVE stuck to comedy if Donald Trump had stuck to reality TV. So, you should stick to sticking it up your butt.
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"People should never again say that if they had a time machine, they'd go back & stop Hitler. Because we now know nobody would." - my kid
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My Facebook timeline is literally just people asking for advice on what they should consume. Podcasts. Sock brands. Juice. These are minor decisions, folks. Pick up a juice & see what you think. If it doesn’t work out, God willing, you can start over. You can rebuild.
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Is there an app called “MeetBetween” that tells you the best places to meet someone between where you are & where they are? If not, THERE SHOULD BE!
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Our family is at dinner together. Would you like to join our conversation? The topic right now is, “What would your knuckle tats spell?”
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This is not a subtweet, I'm speaking directly to those who fill a dirty pot or dish with soapy water to "soak" saying you're gonna come back & wash it later. You're a liar. You lie to yourself & you lie to anyone you live with. You're never gonna wash that dish.
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This is good for actors, I think, to hear what a true villain sounds like when they laugh about enacting an evil plan.
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I have a hunch some of you are going to like the vintage wallpaper we found in the guest room closet.
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Seen some guy friends saying they don’t know how to feel about the Louis CK thing. Might I suggest feeling terrible for his victims? I think that’s the best feeling for the occasion.
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I don’t even have the energy to joke about Jeffrey Toobin. I’m tired from decades of concealing tampons to not make anyone feel weird. Could my energy have been replenished by eating a banana? WE’LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE I WOULDN’T FUCKING DARE!
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Everyone who wants everyone else to show a card so they can vote is very mad they might have to show a card to go to a concert. 🤣
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Hi, I’m anyone in a movie. I don’t say goodbye at the end of a phone call, I just hang up.
Hi, I'm a lawyer in a movie. I say absolutely whatever I want in court and then I say "Withdrawn."
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You guys are not gonna believe this, but I remembered to cancel an account I was no longer using BEFORE I was billed for it! I assume I'll be nominated for some type of genius award?
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I was in the audience on this night, nominated for an award I don’t think I won? I honestly can’t remember. But I will never forget this & I think of it, truly, at least once a week & I always take ten seconds to think about people who have made a difference in my life.
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P.S. I want to say if someone you know died by suicide, it is not your fault. It is depression’s fault. I just want us to remember, if someone is on the side of the road with 4 flats, we shouldn’t drive by b/c we’re not the tow truck. We can all do something if we see something.
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@gawdiemuva
@jaimetoons
She escalated it by not minding her own business in the first place. She went to confront him. And she called him a liar while apparently lying herself. Why should she be coddled?
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You have to admit, nobody has ever committed harder.
O.J. Simpson says he doesn't go to L.A. because he doesn't want to accidentally end up sitting next to the real killer.
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Buy Plan B. It has a shelf life of four years. Hang onto it & live your life so that girls & women know you are the kind of person who would stock up on Plan B & that they can come to you if they need it.
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It can be kind of scary to a regular person who thinks they don’t know what to do. It is certainly awkward as hell. Who cares, though? Ask, “Are you ok?” Say, “I am worried about you.” Ask, “Can I get in touch with someone for you?” Even here on Twitter. Don’t mind your business.
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If Party City sold an “Insufferable Dude” Halloween costume, it might look like this.
I asked Aidan Cook, an animal rights activist who jumped onstage to interrupt Kamala Harris, if he had considered the optics of literally taking the microphone away from women of color.
“I did,” he said. “I tried to show my profound respect for each of the people onstage.”
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My son on the morning of his prom: "Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night."
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Frank felt safe tweeting this because he knew it wasn’t possible for the public to boycott him more than they already were.
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Ugh. What if he dies in the White House & his ghost fucking lives there forever???
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Then she said, “You can say ‘bath bomb’, Ma’am. And I was like, “YOU can!” 😂
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Kyrsten Sinema is like an Adam West-era Batman villain. “I am wearing a bright, quirky costume & gleefully doing a bad thing in front of cameras for no apparent reason! FILM ME AT A DUTCH ANGLE!”
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I know people still love him. Can...can someone, ANYONE, make him stop doing this? The median income for Trump voters in the primary was $72K. The real reason they voted for him has been proved time & time again. It ain’t economic insecurity.
@evepeyser
@BernieSanders
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@BernieSanders
: "I think that the vast majority of Trump supporters are people who are in pain, who are struggling economically… and they turned to Trump because Trump said things that made sense.”
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The worst thing that could happen if you overstepped in your genuine concern is so much less bad than the worst thing that could happen if you didn’t. It is our duty to try for each other. And if you want to say something but you’re scared, ping me. I’m always here.
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The good news is, today the deadly sin of sloth totally prevented me from committing the other six.
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I just want to say, I like and love Hillary Clinton. She earned my vote. I'm sorry she didn't win, but I'm so glad she's still here. 💜
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Marie Kondo never said get rid of everything, btw. She literally gives you permission not to hoard those items that no longer serve or make you happy by voicing gratitude/passing them on. Maybe if you tidied your drawers your panties would stop being in knots over her?
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Everyone thinks what writers do is so easy. Have you ever even listened to one of your friends or family try to tell a story at dinner???
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“Conceptual bros before women you actually knows!” is how the saying originally went, I think.
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Caucuses are voter suppression & people with jobs, or people who need childcare, or people who are elderly, or confined to wheelchairs shouldn’t have to show up to a weird competitive pep rally at a certain hour to get in formation & scream the loudest for their vote. It’s dumb.
Health care has consistently polled as the No. 1 issue voters care about in Iowa.
With the caucuses less than 72 hours away, voters have to decide not just which candidate to back — but what health care should look like in the future.
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Hearing that Jeffrey Epstein was arrested made me unexpectedly emotional. I feel like many of us just really need to see someone held accountable for what they have done. He’s a good start.
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I am adding additional fat & depressed people to my friend group if anyone would like to apply.
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We've been down this road before & we know some people have a fucked up idea of what the spitting image of Lucille Ball is.
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I will not ruin anything by changing a letter. Enough has been ruined already.
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Remember when Paul Ryan lied about how fast he ran that marathon? Remember when he pretended to wash those dishes that were already clean for a photo op? Never forget that he is a petty image-obsessed worm.
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