Paul F. Tompkins
@PFTompkins
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TV & standup & improv & podcasts, hardly any movies Instagram:
HOLLYWOOD, U.S.A.
Joined November 2008
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WE ARE!
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GLAY
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#ModiCabinet
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ロックの日
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Modi 3.0
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#鬼滅の刃
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नरेंद्र दामोदरदास मोदी
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GenG
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#アクマゲーム
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Prime Minister of India
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#냥이_차오른단건_준휘_생일이란뜻이야
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#JUNmeowDAY
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連続テレビ小説
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Alcaraz
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KALKI TRAILER OUT TOMORROW
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Zverev
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ONLYBOO LOVE AND DREAM
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Narendra Damodardas Modi
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パンケーキ
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Pinned Tweet
You can find me on the socials as PFTompkins.
I’ll start posting more at paul f tompkins dot com and you can see a live dates page there as well.
I’ll eventually get a Twitch channel up & running. Maybe a TikTok? No promises.
Good luck everyone! See you around!
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Why did they wait til they got to Flipdaddy’s to let the baby see
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I am thrilled to announce that I do not know which one is Tinsley Mortimer and which one of Bertil Espergren.
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I don’t day drink anymore but am so fond of the the two drunk guys who have clearly been watching this seagull steal food from people for hours.
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This is demented
It’s fucking snowing and I want to tip my driver accordingly
@ChipotleTweets
.
Why are you deciding how much tipped workers can make?
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Does everyone who’s into crypto not know that we already have a fake money scheme called “money”
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I went to Catholic school where I was told I was BORN IN MORAL DEBT TO GOD so I think it’s okay if all schoolkids learn that the people who did slavery in America were white?
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Mike Pence doing exactly what Jesus would do, folding his arms and looking over the prisoners’ heads like they’re not there.
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I am sorry to report that this photo is objectively funny
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Not to sound like a bitch, but he looks it
Based on samples taken from the lens of its eye this year, this shark was alive in 1672.
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It’s completely easy not to feel sorry for her, I’m doing it right now
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
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The silence from the Charmin Bears during this time is unconscionable
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Sad to see Facebook so corrupted since its humble beginnings as a platform for judging women’s worth according to hotness.
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Imagine if all the mines were above ground and were labeled “MINE” and you got upset because someone asked you politely not to step on the mines
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Sometimes when I say something negative about billionaires and what they could be doing with their wealth there is a certain kind of person who will reply “That’s how much their ASSETS are worth, they don’t just have that money ON HAND”
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THIS GUY RULES. Imagine the other mold-covered 18th century dumb-dumbs looking at this guy having a ball with paint and they’re all going “You’re not allowed to do fun art, prithee and thouforth”
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I would just like to personally apologize to Gal Gadot
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Ya gotta vote folks! Want this to stop? Vote! Already voted? Keep voting! When we all vote & keep voting we’ll eventually unlock access to UltraVoting! What happens with UltraVote? Still mass slaughter every other week but coupons for a FREE medium drink with ANY mass slaughter!
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This is one of the funniest reveals I’ve seen in a long time. Whoever was controlling the speed of that tarp is a comic genius because the payoff is just out of this world
A new bronze statue of first lady Melania Trump was unveiled in Slovenia this week, after a wooden version of the memorial was burned in July.
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I’ve seen this commercial many times but never really listened to it until now and it’s pretty wild
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The fuck are you talking about
If Bill and Melinda Gates can’t make a marriage work, what hope is there for the rest of us?
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Just a reminder that no woman is or has ever been moments from giving birth and decides “You know what? I want an abortion. I forgot that was an option until now."
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Seeing a lot of people complain of boredom during this time & I will share with you my tip to keep boredom at bay: I think about how I am going to get a horrible virus
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From the bottom of my heart and with deep respect I say: Look at this little fatso
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QUEER EYE
Karamo: be nice to yourself
Tan: Tuck in your shirt but just in front
Jonathan: Put this stuff in your hair
Antoni: Here’s a dinner you’ll make once
Bobby: I REBUILT YOUR FUCKING HOUSE
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Why don’t you make it your job to figure it out
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“I finally see how deeply my actions have affected other people emotionally since they are now affecting me financially.”
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Hahahahahah what a REVEAL
‘Straight Pride’ organisers revealed to have links to far-right and white nationalist groups
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Hahaha it’s funny that you are not qualified for your job and you treat it as a joke and your salary that you don’t need or deserve comes from people who pay taxes (the money they pay actually makes a difference in their day-to-day lives), good one Ben Carson, Secretary of HUD
OH, REO! Thanks,
@RepKatiePorter
. Enjoying a few post-hearing snacks. Sending some your way!
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I hate olives but I wish I liked them because so many people I know love them SO MUCH.
What is that food for you?
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Are people really mad at space or could they be mad at something else
those who attack space
maybe don’t realize that
space represents hope
for so many people
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Hey I hate asking for help on here but I am asking you to be on the lookout for several shrimp tails that I seem to have misplaced. I haven’t been many places recently, just the car wash, the post office, cereal factory tour, an ATM visit, and a friend’s backyard. PLEASE HELP
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Finally started watching The Mandalorian and haven’t gotten to Baby Yoda yet but am blown away by the swagger of this extra in the bowl hat
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When my single friends ask me what marriage is like I show them this video and say “It’s a lot of this”
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Not all chihuahuas are truly chihuahuas. The real ones come ONLY from the Chihuahua region in Mexico. The rest are just sparkling dogs.
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Way to go genius now the flag’s mother will reject it
Teen spots school flag on ground and holds it up until someone can come hoist it back up.
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It’s sad that this open-and-shut case ending with the most clear & obvious verdict should feel like a nail-biting victory
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PLEASE COME TO MY NEIGHBORHOOD IMMEDIATELY TO RECEIVE APPROXIMATELY $2000 WORTH OF CANDY AND POSSIBLY THE KEY TO THE CITY
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Look at this absolutely furious dog
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The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
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If you like joke replies to sincere questions and sincere replies to joke questions, have I got a website you’re already on right now
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Hahaha how about that movie you had control over where you barely let your dead friend be gay
Brian May blasts Brit Awards for adopting gender-neutral categories, says Queen would not be woke enough today: "We would have to have a trans person"
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An underrated & great aspect of the Star Wars universe is that many times it is indicated that R2D2 is a robot that uses curse words.
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No matter how you celebrate 420 today, I don’t want to hear about it
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Oh no the one bad apple did a bad apple thing and the good apples were immediately spoiled by it and did nothing
Woman was just shot by a rubber bullet as she asked to please put down your guns—
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The Lincoln Project did nothing for anyone but themselves, they did not persuade anyone who wasn’t going to vote for Biden to vote for Biden, I get why it seemed like they were an ally, but they weren’t. Now that Election Day has come and gone, they are “back” to being YOUR ENEMY
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“A democrat president would reveal the 11 herbs and spices to our enemies.”
Glenn Beck to Hannity: "We are officially at the end of the country as we know it" if Trump loses in 2020
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This commercial took quite a turn! Listen for my hint as to where!
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If you’re gonna sit next to me on a 7am flight and very calmly & casually drink 3 gin & tonics please just have the courtesy to say to me “I’m very scared of flying” or “Life has no meaning”
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If you noticed that I posted a tweet with a typo and then immediately deleted and reposted with the typo corrected and you feel compelled to let me know that you saw it, please consider instead just chuckling while wagging your finger at your phone
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The heartbreak of the Babylon B: their target audience is too dumb to get their jokes
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Just a quick reminder that McCarthyism was a coordinated crusade by the government that ruined people’s lives for their political beliefs and not the occasional person losing one job for saying some extremely dumb shit
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Imagine being racist enough to deprive yourself of Dolly Parton, it’s literally laughable
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Wife asked Alexa to turn on the lights and I immediately barked “Alexa! Belay that order!” like I was on the Enterprise & it worked and I laughed really hard & my wife said “Jesus Christ”
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The fact that Louis, a comedian whose whole thing is plumbing the depths of his own psyche, apparently didn’t mention his most recent, famous news in his surprise set tells you all you need to know about his desire for “redemption,” right?
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Another reason why goats born into wealth are so lucky
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It pains me to do this as I have loved them in every form for my entire life, but I think it best that we cancel all hats for at least the next 25 years
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
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It is a phrase reserved EXCLUSIVELY for adults who, as children, had witnessed their parents’ murder and are finally confronting the murderer after several decades of lethal training
Asking “You don’t remember me, do you?” is an act of aggression
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Do you remember when people were saying she was going to be some kind of positive influence on her father, that was right up there with “maybe the weight of the job will change him” in terms of hahaha sure you dumb idiot
Ivanka Trump lied about Trump Organization projects to secure real estate deals worldwide, report says
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JK Rowling: “If you don’t believe that men dressing as women in order to hurt them is a huge problem you leave me no choice but to prove my theory by making up a whole book about it.”
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One time I was playing capture the flag in Halo and kept getting shot right as I got to my base and I denied the Holocaust.
Hey, can people stop freaking out over Pewdiepie saying the n-word in a heated gaming moment?
Watch, there's gonna be 10 articles about it
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If no characters smoked cigarettes in movies and TV made today you wouldn’t miss it. You wouldn’t be like “Hey shouldn’t that cop be smoking?” Even in a period piece it’d be a while before you noticed it if at all. It would also eliminate a continuity distraction on set.
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Ah shit, I just realized Fyre Festival will be canceled this year
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SOON MY ARMY OF 100 SANDRA OHs WILL CONQUER THE WORLD
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RIP. Thank you for giving us the dark chocolate peanut butter cups. May the parking at your funeral be an absolute nightmare.
Joseph Coulombe, who founded Trader Joe's, died on Friday. He was 89.
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They really look alike
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I am sorry but the Iowa caucus is meaningless to me and the results should routinely be discounted. These are people who were tricked by a conman into buying band uniforms for children who couldn’t even play instruments.
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I hope it is not unkind of me to say but I hope this child ends up in Hell?
This kid reporter in a fedora on Fox News has some strong opinions about why Beto O’Rourke sucks:
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Why haven’t these coasters been recalled
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A waitress spilled half a pitcher of water on me tonight and it was truly hilarious. We had just sat down. It happened SO SOON after we sat down, it was comedically perfect. Five stars
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I don’t want to go to bed but I DO want to be in my bed already asleep. Not in the mood for all the in-between bullshit right now
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I grew up in a racially mixed neighborhood, the child of Greatest Generartion Democrat working class parents, in a Northeastern American City and guess what? I still ended up being a racist! Because that’s who was around me. IF YOU’RE WHITE PLEASE KEEP READING!
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This is great and what makes it so great is that every question she is asked is clearly supposed to be a mic drop gotcha that they never imagined anyone could answer
When they’re defending billionaires, we’re winning. This is excellent from
@ParkerCiccone
🌹
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Retire bitch?
How can I repay the LORD for all the great good done for me?
Psalms 116-12
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I had to tell my 3 year old daughter that Alex Trebek had died. She looked up at me, eyes brimming with tears, and solemnly said, “I want to watch Daniel Tiger” and I was like “I can’t tweet this shit, come on, we need to go viral” and then oh here come the waterworks again
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I am skeptical about this Fire & Fury book— so ALL OF A SUDDEN we’re supposed to believe Donald Trump is a sub-literate weirdo that no one respects or likes? I feel like we would have seen SOME evidence of this before now.
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Hey you never should have disinvited Steve Bannon from your festival. My dad was in the navy. Get ready
@NewYorker
for pictures like this in the trillions
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I feel bad for this French guy having to accept his Oscar at 2am when he was probably just about to sit down to dinner
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Almost time to watch an hour of Mike Pence slap on a sad smile while ruefully shaking his head in denial at terrible things that are absolutely true
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How big can they make these knockout cones
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No matter where I order black coffee people don’t believe I won’t... change my mind. Please, just believe me: I truly do want this for myself. You have to let me live my life, not the life you would have me live. These 50 little creamers are your dream not mine. I reject them.
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I have no idea what this movie is and I don’t want anyone to ever tell me
This is the most bonkers one minute of a movie that I have ever seen
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