ZAINAB JOHNSON
@zainabjohnson
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COMEDIAN. ACTOR. WRITER. ALEESHA 🔛 Amazon’s UPLOAD. Host of 100 HUMANS 🔛 Netflix. UPCOMING SHOWS: Pittsburgh, Nashville, Chicago, St. Louis, DC 🎟️⬇️
from NYC but living in LA
Joined September 2010
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Pinned Tweet
PITTSBURGH‼️ THURSDAY JULY 20TH‼️ It has been years since I performed in Pittsburgh and I don’t know when I’ll be back after this so GET YOUR TICKETS
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The irony of the Trump campaign having to release emails now about emails sent to incriminate Hillary for emails she didn't release.
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To all my white Americans expressing allyship both privately and publicly...KEEP THAT SAME ENERGY ON NOV 3 WHEN U CAST YOUR VOTE. Especially my wonderful white women because in 2016 52% of y’all voted AGAINST equality, justice, human rights, feminism, living wages and healthcare
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Roger Stone isn’t going to testify against Trump because worse case scenario he does his time at a federal prison that doubles as a country club. Tell him he’s doing all his time at Rikers and he’ll snitch quicker than someone on the first 48 after they bring donuts and coffee
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Dear White People,
I suggest u keep ur passive aggressive, micro aggressive, and aggressive racist behaviors to a minimum for the next few weeks because black people are watching
#WhenTheySeeUsNetflix
and its stirring some shit up.
Not u? Tell ur friend friends and fam!
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Ladies, your dude got a foot fetish...would u be mad if he proposed to you with a toe ring?
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Women succeed all the time without a man by their side. Men almost never succeed without a woman pushing them, supporting them, and or believing in them.
I need a good woman by my side.
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While riding the elevator with my neighbor I noticed he had two
@amazon
packages in his hand. I said, have you seen
@UploadOnPrime
and he said no. I said GO WATCH IT NOW. He said OKAY. I expect he’ll thank me for the suggestion the next time we ride the elevator together.
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We don't trust an imperfect rape victim but we vote for imperfect candidates all the time.
Yes I'm watching a Law & Order: SVU marathon.
Also, please VOTE November 6.
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It is wildly offensive to use
#SayHerName
when referring to the female terrorist shot and killed at yesterday’s capitol riots. Breonna Taylor was asleep in her bed in her home! Not following the ignorant words of an idiot too egotistical to accept his loss.
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Thanks so much for watching the first two episodes with us. We hope you enjoy the entire season!!! Keep tweeting and let us know what you think as you watch.
#UploadTV
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One of my favorite Cosby show scenes + boredom = this 😂
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I asked my 60 year old Mom who she’s voting for and shots were fired 😂
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A HUGE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE THAT BINGED THE ENTIRE SEASON OF
@UploadOnPrime
THIS WEEKEND!!! We thank you and love that you love us!!! Tell a friend to tell a friend and watch again hahaha!!! There’s some hidden gems like
@Zappos
response to Lucy’s return. Hahaha 😉
#UploadTV
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Just got my first bikini wax in 4 months. I'm so excited I might masturbate 👀
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I remember the time when I’d be up until 3am doing spots at different comedy clubs then capping the night off with dessert and spirited debates with other comedic minds. Now I’m up until 3am on my laptop trying to find proof that J. Edgar Hoover was black.
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I don’t know who needs to see/hear this but HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY YOU AWESOME HUMAN BEING!!!
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Why do smokers always ask non smokers if they have a light? Lady, it’s 7am I’m in Lululemon down to my socks and I casually run an 8 minute mile. YOU KNOW I DON’T HAVE A LIGHT!
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I just heard a man on Hollywood Blvd. yell at whoever was on the other end of his phone conversation “Are they going to keep her implants in before they cremate her is all I want to know?!” And now I too want to know.
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@andyallo
and I FaceTiming
@Andreafartrosen
trying to explain to her how to live tweet as she picks up
@her
kids from school
#UploadTV
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Thank you!!! Glad I get to throw myself in again for season 2!!!
Finished
@UploadOnPrime
and
@zainabjohnson
has to be one of the best performances, really throws herself in to the role and genuinely hilarious performance throughout the series
#scifi
#comedy
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I’m gonna binge watch
@UploadOnPrime
#UPLOADTV
again tomorrow with my mom on zoom for Mother’s Day.
I estimate it’ll take me 40 minutes to explain to her what zoom is.
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I've realized most times when a person says "over exaggerate" they really just mean to say exaggerate. In fact, to use the term over exaggerate is most times an over exaggeration.
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One of my favorite lines on the show and in life!
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This pandemic has taught me how to turn my “do nothing Sundays” into “do even more nothing Sundays”
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The homeless man near my house got a bangin body. I just wanted to take a monent and acknowledge him. He may never see this but I see him.
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@UploadOnPrime
was the number one most streamed show this past week across all streaming platforms thanks to ALL OF YOU 🤗
@PrimeVideo
#UPLOADTV
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Draya: it’s not domestic violence if he loves me
FENTY: that’s not funny periodt
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All y’all that rock with me, THANK YOU!!! I love all the love, the support, the kind words, the conversation, and the appreciation. Sometimes it’s the very thing that gets me through the day. 🥰
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I wonder if the idiots that started a petition to get
@iJesseWilliams
fired are working on a petition to get
#AltonSterling
's killers fired🤔
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Men love saying “women play games” meanwhile I asked a guy ONE question now he got me playing Clue, Scrabble, Monopoly, Chess, Connect Four, and Sorry! You know what sir, forget I even asked. 🤦🏾♀️
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Comedy is so therapeutic. Omw to my show tonight I was tired, a bit jet lagged, and unsure of what I wanted to cover in my set. I told myself ‘do ur spot and go straight home’. I had a ball on stage. I laughed hard. I even stayed and watched the other comics. Thank you comedy.
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At what speed do you think Kanye’s mother is turning in her grave?
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Sometimes you gotta just sit yo ass down and read a book.
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There’s still time to get tickets to my zoom standup show TONIGHT 6pm PT / 9pm ET
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I spent a portion of my childhood hearing gun shots and seeing crack vials everywhere, but today one of my biggest fears is some unmasked person coughing near me.
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I manage to use every single appliance in my kitchen when cooking the simplest thing! All I was doing was boiling an egg, why is the waffle iron dirty?!
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I’ve been baking more so now than ever in my life although some of my favorite memories as a kid was being my older brothers assistant when he baked. It’s therapeutic for me and I love sweets!!! Today I baked mini oatmeal blueberry muffins. I’m gladly accepting recipe suggestions
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Every TV show & movie ever made revolving around a family, they serve a big pot of scrambled eggs for the whole family to dig into at breakfast. Ive never seen that IRL. Not everyone likes their eggs the same way & eggs get cold quick. Give me made to order eggs or nothing at all
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Dear Racists,
Y’all been using the same hate slurs for decades. At the very least, please update your bigotry.
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For attention or not.
For empathy or not.
I'm praying for Azealia Banks.
I'm praying for all those that feel like life is not worth living anymore.
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I’m constantly googling myself so only ads of my own website are promoted to me on social media.
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Why are there never as many doctors working in the real emergency room as there are on every damn tv show emergency room? I️ need a more accurate depiction on tv from now on.
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I LOVE Michelle Obama!!! She basically told America "Sis, you're in a toxic relation with a guy name Donald
Trump and this November you gotta kick him out."
#dnc2020convention
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Them: I don’t like Donald Trump nor Joe Biden!
Me: Which one do you dislike the least? Vote for that guy!
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I’m trying to decide how to respond to a text. Which one is best?
1. I’ve never been more disinterested.
or
2. I’ve never been less interested.
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If I wrote a book about 2020 it would be called “Pandemic, Politics, and Pum Pum” by Zainab Johnson
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Went to the farmers market today. Bought these beautiful sunflowers and and one squash. 😎
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I love standup because you can have multiple late night appearances a hbo/Netflix special and still get up in front of a shitty crowd of 10 people on Sunday and try your best to make them laugh.
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#QuarantineTip
: Put on your tightest jeans with the least amount of stretch BEFORE you start snacking. Don’t snack in pajamas. I repeat, DO NOT SNACK IN ANY PANTS THAT HAVE A DRAWSTRING WAISTBAND.
You’re welcome 😇
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I’M ON A NEW SHOW AND IT PREMIERES IN 5 DAYS!!!
@UploadOnPrime
MAY 1ST ONLY ON
@PrimeVideo
#UPLOADTV
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I just watched the last episode of
#100Humans
and I shed a few tears of joy listening to how much the humans appreciated this experience. On behalf on myself
@alieward
@SammyObeid
@Netflix
and the entire production WE THANK ALL OF OUR HUMANS for participating!!! 💛
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Romcoms ask for an unreasonable level of suspending our disbelief. if ur struggling & have been desperately looking for a job for a year how u spontaneously flying to Mexico to erase a guys emails from his computer? Also, u know his password or u’ll figure it out there?
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The guy that sees this and still says “you should smile” deserves to catch COVID. Happy Saturday!
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I like this idea!
We should Officially designate every Friday
@UploadOnPrime
day!! Watching S1 for the 3rd time!!!
@RobbieAmell
@kevinbigley
@andyallo
@zainabjohnson
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With all the comedy clubs closing due to
#CoronaOutbreak
I want to apologize to my friends in advance becuz I’ll be tryin all my bits out on them.
Friend: My flight got cancelled
Me: Speakin of flights, main cabin extra just means-
Friend: Are you doing a bit?
Me: Yes. Sorry.
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You ever notice when a bird is being chased, they run first? Every time I see this I’m like why don’t they fly immediately? I finally understand the term bird brain.
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I can always count on Twitter to give me a word...not always a good word, but a word nonetheless.
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I can't trust
@SpiritAirlines
because they offer Cup Noodles (chicken flavor) for purchase...they can't possibly care if you live or die.
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My iphone keeps changing “good” to “hood”. At first I thought it was flattering because I’m a real a$$ bih but now I’m starting to get offended.
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Thrilled to be featured in
@RollingStone
as a Comedy All Star
Writer
@itsme_agannn
Photographer
@maju
.rogo
Managing Editor
@weinflash
Creative Director
@joe_hutchinson
Director of Photography & Deputy Creative Director
@emma
.v.reeves
Hair
@pdouble21
Makeup
@merrellhollis
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Thank you to all the comedians that shared their hilarious bomb stories tonight on
#Clubhouse
@Chloe_Hilliard
@roywoodjr
@FunnyAida
@cwayans
@alex3nglish
@miacomedy
@IamDsprings
@mattwasfunny
@Keenan_Baker
@DueOrDie
@CoreyMarshallx
@silkyjumbo
@ComedianTyDavis
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🥰🥰
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I know Teddy Roosevelt said “comparison is the thief of joy” but good God
#TheLastDance
was so much better than
#TigerKing
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The more people tweet me, the more it becomes clear...women are funnier than men.
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I’m glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for watching!
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Gotta have a bit of fun at work!
my fav part of
@UploadOnPrime
season 1 lmaooo
i can't stop rewatching this part 🤣
aleeshaaaa why you gotta make mr. caputo dance like thisss 🥲🥲
@zainabjohnson
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It’s a severely telling moment of how compromised the state of our nation is when we have to say “our president ALLEGEDLY tested positive for COVID-19”
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Michelle Obama said "being president doesn't say who you are it reveals who you are", so the presidency is an alcoholic beverage.
#dnc2020convention
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There are certain things that are just better in person- standup comedy, dates, BestBuy.
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White supremacy breeds domestic terrorists like Derek Chauvin and Robert Aaron Long. It is the biggest threat to America.
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Yay we love that you love us!!!
“Where is that Hurt Lockin’ a**hole?” 🤣🤣 my favorite line
@UploadOnPrime
I love Aleesha and Lukes relationship 🔥
@zainabjohnson
and
@kevinbigley
just keep killin it 😂
#UploadTV
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Aight I’m mad late but watching
@DaveOnFXX
how did
@GaTaGED
not get nominated for
@TheEmmys
??? Season 1 ep 5 was freaking great!!!
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Saying “don’t all lives matter” when discussing
#BlackLivesMatter
is redundant and reductive. STOP.
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Wow I enjoyed watching the first 2 episodes!!! I have to decide now if I’m going to binge the other 8 tonight or pace myself through the weekend. What y’all think?
@UploadOnPrime
#UploadTV
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