Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi
@roywoodjr
Followers
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Following
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Statuses
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I tell the truth like white draws. FORMER: @TheDailyShow CURRENT: Social Recluse. FAMU grad reppin 205. Took me 5 yrs to get a 4yr degree, don't take me serious
Bury me in Alabama, NYC until then
Joined May 2009
Don't wanna be here?
Send us removal request.
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Pinned Tweet
Texas, see you in a few weeks. Portland/Los Angeles, in a month.
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In this instance, Impeachment is you and ya homegirls having all the evidence that ya man is cheating but to break up with him you gotta convince a jury of his frat brothers (who was there with him cheating) that your man is a cheater
Can someone explain this impeachment stuff to me? I’m not quite sure how this works.
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They tried to suspended this child to teach her a lesson but all they did was free her up for 3 days of media rounds. ADVANTAGE: Student
GA student suspended after posting image of crowded school doesn’t regret it: “This is some good and necessary trouble...”
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Might need to gone head and move that Inaguration to Zoom. Send Biden & Kamala a DocuSign
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That dog left Central Park and went straight to the Feds to give his statement
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6th grade I forgot the science fair was next day. 10pm in a panic, I find a loaf of molded bread my pops forgot to throw out. Made a study on mold, moisture & air. Got 2nd place in the school. 5th in the city. 😂😂 Bread so moldy I was praised for “conducting weeks of research”.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
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No slogan. No mascot. No commercial. No fancy signage. No celeb endorsement. No new flavors in 40 years. Still the underground king.
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How does this company still control the market on baby blankets? All this money we pay for healthcare & they ain’t dropped a new model?
Then the doctors turn around and tell you, “eczema is common in newborns.” I guess so, you got my boy wrapped in this rough ass Motel 6 towel.
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Vegas need a home owners association. It’s 2am fam, turn that yellow shit off
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The President gets sworn in then gotta walk around all day cuz White House check-in ain’t til 3p.
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Live sports is the reward for countries that followed social distancing rules. Like that one class that got a pizza party for perfect attendance.
New Zealand welcomed back sports with fans. The country hasn't had any new COVID-19 cases in three weeks.
(via
@southernscoop
)
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LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
NEW: Lindsey Graham: "If we lose the House, the Senate, and the White House, They’re going to abolish the Electoral College."
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You can tell when the two flight attendants don’t fw each other. Zero chemistry on the drink cart
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If a black person tells you “You picked the right one today.” You in fact, did NOT pick the right one today.
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CDC just said you only need to quarantine if you on a ventilator. But if ya ventilator got wheels and a battery pack you gotta take yo ass to work.
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The plane ain't got no WiFi but the credit card machine swiping fine to charge us for these snacks.
Somebody lying.
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Ok but why my mans at the end wasn’t allowed to come in and celebrate wit the fam? 😂
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How do we know this tweet wasn't sent by one of the tigers?
Tigers are all accounted for at the Oakland Zoo. They just checked and confirmed.
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Lawyers offering pro bono services for arrested protestors. Minneapolis, Houston, New York, Atlanta, Los Angeles. I know there are far more doing the same thing in other cities please add them to this thread
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All I want for black entertainers is for them to be able to grow old.
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chill fam I was trying to do that in the low 😂😂
We see you
@roywoodjr
at the
#Emmys
mouthing “Please hire a host” during the
@Trevornoah
Comedy Central acceptance speech .
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Stay out this Wendy’s. Before Popeyes mess around & start selling Frostys too
Y’all out here fighting about which of these fools has the second best chicken sandwich.
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If you watch this w/no volume it looks like a farmer telling you about the alien he saw
Terry Bradshaw, shots fired.
On Texas QB Sam Ehlinger:
"He ain't that good."
(*By 5-A he means 5-star)
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This country went to shit when sitcoms stopped having theme songs. Them lil jingles was a 90 sec anti-depressant
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BELIEVE ME MY CONSTITUENTS!!! COVID'S NOT A BIG DEAL! NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I GO GET SOME OF THIS EXECUTIVE MEDICAL CARE THAT YOU BROKE BITCHES CAN'T AFFORD.
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Yall brave as hell talking to post office workers like they weren’t the original mass shooters
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The bigger question from this video, what brand door is this? Every trap house needs this door.
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If you got a white supervisor TRUST ME, today is the day to ask them for that raise. They’re in a good mood.
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Climate change fcked up R&B. It dont rain enough for men to be out singing in it no mo.
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Never too early to teach your children the classics
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Sex is cool, but have you ever timed your eggs, grits, bacon & toast to all be done at the exact same time?
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When y’all freshly in love so you ain’t sure if you allowed in the family photos yet.
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PRODUCER: Sir you’re not centered
BIDEN: I SAID SHOW THE FIREPLACE!
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Must is serious, buddy is shittin on his tippy toes
Violent, diarrhea-inducing stomach bug spreads in Northeast: ‘Incredibly contagious’
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I don’t know who this young lady is, but this is for sure the opening scene to her biopic
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Delta needed somebody to give up their seat, they OPENED the bidding at a $1500 ON A GIFT CARD. None of that flight voucher bullshit. Gotta respect that. Whole plane stood strong and held out. Never accept the first offer.
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"NOW COME ON MONIQUE! DON'T SAY THAT, ABOUT THEM, I KNOW THEM MONIQUE. MONIQUE PLEASE, DONT SAY THA-- OHHHH MY LAWDD!"
This episode of Club Shay Shay could get a bit chaotic
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Lebron is 100% that team dad that’ll give all ya teammates a ride home from practice but first stop at McDonalds and let y’all get whatever. And u walk in the house full but ya mama cooked so u don’t eat which makes her sad which pisses off ya daddy so now he can’t stand Lebron.
Bronny's team won the tournament so pops celebrated with them 🤣
(via osbournell.c/IG)
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Remember when we were all mad about the 'Game of Thrones' finale'? Good times right?
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Aye
@TrevorNoah
you gotta host the Grammys from behind some check cashing glass. It’s real out here fam.
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Parenting during a quarantine is easy. It’s having the media second guess you every night before bedtime that's the hard part.
#ParentalPostgame
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WANTED: Old racist white man to drive me around to my comedy gigs. In return I will teach you about racism and cornbread. After you learn everything, we will sell our story to Hollywood. Please DM Your resume and fav racial slur. Thank you. I’m repped by WME.
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My brother in Christ. It is 1:30a local time In Birmingham AL. I urge you for your safety, take yo ass to Waffle House or the hotel.
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Read this too fast and thought I had to fight Mike Tyson right quick.
Iron Mike is back.
54-year-old Mike Tyson will fight Roy Jones Jr. in an eight-round exhibition match, per
@KevinI
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It’ll never be an all-star, but this plate consistently comes off the bench and give you 8-10-6
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If Walmart is makes wearing a mask mandatory them greeters getting swung on. They ain't sing up for this. Time to hire out of work nightclub bouncers. They been waiting for this moment.
Walmart and Sam's Club will require customers to wear masks at all its stores
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New Yorkers retelling how they survived the earthquake
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Damn fam, the babies barely a year old. Let em watch a lil Paw Patrol & Sesame Street before we start quizzing them. 🤣
Babies born during COVID-19 pandemic have lower IQs: Study says
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They gone fuck around and accidentally ban CPR in schools too.
Herschel Walker says he’s sick and tired of “CTR” being taught in schools
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They dropped that Tucker Carlson/Don Lemon news to distract yall from the real truth, Bed Bath & Beyond coupons expire Wednesday. Stay Woke.
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I'm sure there will be plenty of Black Panther Cosplay parties this year. I aint got the physique to be T'Challa or Killmonger. I'm stepping up in that party in my Forrest Whittaker robe pouring grape Fanta in everybody mouth.
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"You don't own these jobs. You rent them. They are not yours. Ultimately, no matter how long you are there, you're just passing through"- Doug Herzog
Thank You.
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Would take an unprecedented level of media solidarity but When Trump avoids a reporter's question, the next reporter he chooses should simply re-ask the previous question.
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How hilarious would be if after a team wins a championship they skip the White House and just go to Obama's crib and he grills for everybody.
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‘Turner & Hooch’ actor Tom Hanks is doing ok too
“Cats” actor Idris Elba assured fans that despite testing positive for coronavirus, he’s doing all right.
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You posted that vaccine card now all them vaccinated people you don’t really wanna hang with are hitting you up to go out. Shoulda kept ya mouth closed now you at socially distanced bowling on a Wednesday night
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The only pollster you can trust is James Brown. He called these districts back in '85.
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The boy is home schooling. Teacher asked what the weather is today, But half the class in different cities. Now it's a gang of 4 yr olds arguing about whether or not it's raining. Teacher trying to mute em but they smart & know how to unmute themselves. Pay teachers more dawg🤣
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Dat boy John King been on his feet since 7p. No chair, no Gatorade, no arch support. CNN cold blooded. Get that man a stool or one of them rolling office chairs.
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This the photo the media gone use after he eat two people on a jet skit
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When ya uncles get to fighting at the BBQ, the nephews should stay out of it.
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Every Lebron/Kobe argument bout to end with somebody screaming “WELL GLOVE UP DEN!!” And somebody getting knocked out in front of their son.
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2011, Uber driver told me he heard a passenger on phone who knew for sure Disney was “up to something”. The driver put bread into Disney stock and encouraged me to do the same… I took a nap instead.. The next yr Disney bought Star Wars. Stock price tripled since then. 😂😂
I’m trying to take a quick nap but my Uber driver is telling me his money saving strategies
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You buying all the shit at the same store and not even adding other groceries in there to camouflage. You going to jail the first day. 🤣
Shopping for my new job since everything bout to be Ai 😭
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😂😂 EMPTY THE CLIP DAN SNYDER!!
Wow, so Cowboys owner Jerry Jones was one of the bullies trying to stop his Black classmates from desegregating Central High in Little Rock in 1957.
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Save them receipts from all them "flamin hot" snacks you eating. That class action lawsuit in 2034 gone be the lick.
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Y’all ever think about when they automate all the cars, someone could hack them, lock you inside & drive you off a cliff? Then the car computer burns in the crash thus covering up the hack leaving your murder unsolved? New serial killers are digital.
Anyway, have a good night.
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MURDER. CHARGES.
BREAKING: Four Minneapolis police officers fired after video shows a white officer kneeling on the neck of a black man who later died in custody, the mayor says.
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How much time needs to pass before you can safely confront your parents about some shit they made you wear? I'm 13 in the photo. I'm 43 now. is 30 years enough time?
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It’s me. Just trying this white thing out to get another gig, when they hire me imma flip it back.
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One year at Essence Fest, this white couple (who CLEARLY wasn't there for Essence) was out & you could tell they had no idea NOLA would be JUMPIN jumping. They were cool with it but also just a bit caught off guard. Anyway I'm in Boston & it's St. Patricks weeknd. Tables. Turned.
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Imagine dying then finding out you gotta go to hell because of a clerical error
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If ya'll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn't be out here licking the ice cream.
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If you bring a bottle to the BBQ function but nobody cracks it open. Does possession revert back to the attendee or does the homeowner retain possession for use at a future function per BBQ Statute Code 54:4-9 ?
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Clicked one Calvin Ridley story and now Twitter telling me to follow BetMGM 😂 The algorithm is cold blooded
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I can tell you this much. Nick Saban ain't scheduling no rival school for his last game. Bama gone schedule a Christian Community College and run the score up. Always go out on top.
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It's 2018 and Trump & Kim out here still dressing like they got scooped up in the '03 draft.
#TrumpKimSummit
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When the essay gotta be 1500 word minimum and you’re at 1450.
Trump: "I never understood wind, I know windmills very much, I've studied them more than anybody...tremendous fumes, gases are spewing into the atmosphere, you know we have a world, the world is tiny compared to the universe.."
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Only two parts. But takes 42 minutes to put back in place if they jump off track.
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In my first off-campus apt, my roommate and I tried to steal cable from our neighbor so we could watch football. He caught us, then took us to Radio Shack to get the right splitters and coaxial cables. Mentor the youth.
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Ever notice, everyone you know who learned karate, also won a tournament? If everybody won a tournament then where the people who lost? Shit don't add up. Somebody lying. If you got yo ass kicked in a karate tournament between '82- 2004. Please share your story.
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He chose violence AND peace.
“I love you, but I’m still pissed” 😂
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Shiiiiddd and them just the Phase 1 Wayans. Phase 2 just as solid
Keenen Ivory Wayans was one of The 1st Black men to put his whole family on
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Don Lemon is the shit because you can tell he’s the type of friend who gets drunk enough to make sure everybody has a good time but is juuuusssttt sober enough to make sure nobody goes to jail.
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Kurt Loder would come on, tell you ya favorite artist is dead then MTV would cut back to teenagers dancing in a beach house like everything was fine.
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Son, you have always been my number one priority. Nothing can distract me from that.
#FathersDay
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TMZ but where cameramen follow around healthcare officials to see where the fuck all the test kits are
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With a new dealer infringing on their territory, The CSC (Chicken Sammich Coalition) looks for a way to slow Popeyes' growth; As one member leaves The Coalition, an old foe returns.
'The Coalition' Tuesdays 10/9c on UPN.
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😂😂 stop saying this shit before my family think it's true and hit me up for a new Benz
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Only the strongest bladders will survive.
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Ben Affleck didn’t wait until free agency official started. That’s tampering. The league will investigate
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