shalewa sharpe
@silkyjumbo
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Following
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comedian/DON'T REACH IN THE BAG solo show/The War Report podcast/Comedy Central/HBO/album “So You Just Out Here?" out now/killmonger's mama (she/her)
bk + atl
Joined August 2008
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why are bar bathrooms in ridgewood like this? am i supposed to develop photos in here?
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when we said more black faces in government, we should have been specific.
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yes, there are hoes in this house - i believe we included that in the zillow listing.
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please don’t put you or your loved ones at risk this thanksgiving. i worked in a 24 hour porn store for 6 years so i know for a fact y’all don’t really respect holidays like that.
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just a kind spirit you could feel immediately, no matter how brief the contact.
be easy, chadwick.
🤣 She said Killmonger's Mama. Hilarious! Somebody get this woman an agent pronto!
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i don’t know how fast y’all’s fingers are but i screenshot this tweet so fast my heart rate increased.
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look here, y'all.
T'CHALLA said i need an agent.
THE KING.
pronto.
i meeeeean, who are we to disrespect the king's wishes?
🤣 She said Killmonger's Mama. Hilarious! Somebody get this woman an agent pronto!
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wait, are all of these actors doing marvel movies just to get in shape?!?
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y’all got judy out here cussin’.
Wearing a mask can help keep you well and help others stay well. It’s not a political statement. Don’t turn it into one. Just wear the damn mask.
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i just watched the bio-pic about tammy faye bakker and i’m a little surprised they left out the part where i worked with her son jay at the gap for a while in the 90’s.
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these nypd cops got cocky in their riot gear and thought they were stronger than lactose smdh
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this is the twilight summer for my A/C unit. it’s not so much cooling my bedroom as it is telling me about the previous places it has cooled. i just lay here quietly and listen. respect your elders.
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oh, word?
The owner of the Comedy Cellar is upset with Louis C.K.: "My life has been substantially affected"
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“BAR-what’s the boy’s name? Barron? BARRON! COME HERE! BRING ME YOUR PHONE!”
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a large part of being gen x was dealing with dudes who all thought they had a shot with a too young natalie portman.
Natalie Portman disputes Moby's claims, saying the two never had a relationship but that he did creepily hit on her
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the way my roommate yelled, “herman cain DIED, bitch!!!”
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y'all.
Y'ALL.
i tried to pick his pocket when we hugged but he didn't have any vibranium on him.
(thanks for the shout out,
@FallonTonight
!)
.
@chadwickboseman
chats with hilarious fan, Shalewa Sharpe, in this extended cut of the
#BlackPanther
Surprise.
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green book, the sequel.
New app lets conservatives label restaurants as "safe" spaces for pro-Trump guests
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Home Movies (1999)
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i feel like Juneteenth is sitting on her couch, staring at her phone, watching all these “happy birthday, girl!” messages roll in from a bunch of unknown numbers.
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i will take any opportunity to let you know that when i was 13, i was in a focus group for cool ranch doritos.
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blk twittr has gotten ahold of this kate middleton story. finally, i'm gonna get some answers.
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i just exclaimed, "nigga, DUNE??!??" but because of my masks, the couple next to me thought i was incredulous about an old musical.
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i just woke up to my cat standing on my chest. i saw that my trash can had been knocked over & rolled around, her food bowl upended. i straightened things up and opened twitter.
this bitch was trying to tell me.
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i have let this clip loop for the last 12 minutes. there’s something new to discover with each line. this woman is an artist.
She was 38 hot 😂😂. Y'all need this laugh this morning.
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three guys hanging outside tried to holler at me as i walked into the hardware shop but when i walked out with a kinda heavy 5’ stepladder, suddenly they had nothing to say so i dunno, ladies - maybe give that a try.
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me, pms-ing, in a green room before the late show, with a bunch of younger comics who can’t stop riffing:
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they cut out the part where i asked for daniel kaluuya’s number.
This was amazing.
@chadwickboseman
surprises
#BlackPanther
fans while they say what the movie means to them.
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i am zipping past “auntie” and closing in on “suspicious widow.”
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*papers flying in the wind*
wait! before you run out for the holiday weekend, i've got my chappelle hot take on
@vulture
!!
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...i’m sorry
fred who’s what now?
Lady Gaga crashes Fred Durst’s jazz show with surprise set of Frank Sinatra covers, reminds us she is Queen of Everything:
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i have watched this
@raesanni
clip roughly one million times over the past 2 days. she’s so damn funny.
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it’s been wild to watch our greatest authors and thinkers learn that the most important question to ask is, “who all’s gonna be there?”
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y’all. sturgill smashed his crap on snl 4 yrs ago; i don’t remember anyone asking about the price of guitars or if it was appropriate.
also, if you don’t feel like smashing shit right now, you ain’t been socially distant. i don’t crack eggs anymore, i just throw them in the pan.
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can’t sleep so i fixed some breakfast, waking my cat up early in the process. she is grumpy! guess who doesn’t like it when the tables are turned? if she had a nightstand, i’d knock everything off of it. with her scowling ass.
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y’all.
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hmm, how can i put this?
if brandy & monica & i worked at the same call center, i would respect the numbers brandy pulled in but would be very annoyed by her “jokes” and i would sit in my car with monica during our lunch break and talk shit.
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waiting for this verdict is about to put y’all’s li’l chill weed day to the test
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i don't know if this was a clueless move or a purposeful troll, and i don't care because:
1) it made me laugh hard.
2) this is for sure something that was said to franklin in a panel that didn't make it to the funnies.
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after fighting it for weeks, i’m leaning into this insomnia. fuck it - i’m changing my sheets, i’m taking out the trash, i’m discovering new music, i’m manifesting, i’m replying to your IG stories. if i’m still up at 6am, i’m eating waffles.
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if you're watching jill & erykah and wondering who's gonna win, you're wasting your time. WE'RE the winners.
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i want the last episode of
@desusandmero
to be like that last episode of arsenio only instead of rappers coming out it’s members of Black Twitter reciting their most fire tweets
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last night i clapped at a rat to get it to move out of my way and the damn thing sat up on its haunches as if to soak in the applause and that rat is now my life coach.
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telling jokes on comedy central is a dream come true. thanks to baron and mike.
felt sincere, might delete later.
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hey fellow comics, i have a set tonight at 9p and i’m a little rusty - have we locked down a consensus of what we’re supposed to be doing?
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wow, summer IS really over.
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five years ago, i had this lovely encounter.
.
@chadwickboseman
chats with hilarious fan, Shalewa Sharpe, in this extended cut of the
#BlackPanther
Surprise.
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WHO'S PLAYING HIS MAMA, THO??? 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀
Michael B. Jordan Will Reportedly Be Back as Killmonger in BLACK PANTHER 2
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“soooo....like, what ARE we?”
De Blasio just signed an executive order banning all Uber/Lyft pools. One customer per ride, unless you're a couple. And it has to be "real couples," mayor says.
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working from home so i'm waiting outside my apartment door and once i'm 8 minutes late i'll burst in and hurriedly turn on the lights & make crappy coffee.
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pachelbel was really in his bag when he came up with that canon.
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“i hope you young folks appreciate it while ya got it,” i mutter as i replace the small tube of KY in my nightstand.
#WAP
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my kink is dating someone who’s willing to hold my hand in public and i gotta tell you - it’d be easier if i just wanted to wear stilettos & walk on some dude’s balls. anyway, good sunday morning to you and yours.
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me watching this SNL oopsie:
*lipsyncs* why is no one reaaaaady?
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it’s all happening so quickly. this vaccine’s gonna have everyone in the street and i’ve yet to figure out if i’m a coveralls person.
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look, this USPS thing is really troubling me. especially the letter carriers. especially especially the letter carrier who looks like ryan coogler & delivers packages to my job. is HE okay? does he need anything, like my number?
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@ChaseMit
ladies room small talk is intense. i've seen so many major life decisions happen around a paper towel dispenser.
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the first company to start an email with "shit's real out here, ain't it?" instead of "in these trying/challenging/changing times" has me as a customer for life
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i feel like white people can’t fully enjoy themselves on a dance floor unless they’re in circle formation, cheering on somebody doing the most.
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this nigga.
The White House Gift Shop is selling a “Donald J. Trump defeats Covid” commemorative coin. You can pre-order it now for $100.
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wait, does anyone else see two people dressed in blue holding hands in front of the sun?
base from 😭 (sobbing)
eyes from 👽 (alien)
mouth from 🥴 (woozy)
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i’m sorry but i’m still stuck on how hucky-sands has not rocked a smokey eye since the WHCD and i can’t stop laughing.
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HAND WASHING TIPS:
• make sure you’re washing the whole hand, fingertips to wrists
• water temperature doesn’t really matter
• how long? sing “zip-a-dee-doo-dah” to yourself as you scrub
• washing your hands gives you a moment to choke back the tears and get on with your day
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i know we all love coolidge rn, but claire danes put her whole foot in the penultimate episode of "fleishman is in trouble."
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this Earthquake netflix special has the most relentless opening 15 minutes i’ve ever seen. i had to pause it to catch my breath. he’s so fuckin’ funny.
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watching my jam “singin’ in the rain” and realizing that gene kelly did that big number after eating bad pizza the night before.
WHO IS THIS TWEET FOR? SHOW YOURSELF.
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shout out to the woman buying half a watermelon- and ONLY half a watermelon - as a snow storm approaches. everyone’s pantry is different.
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bloop.
Is there a bail fund for Trump protestors or are they not being arrested?
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yesterday a woman breezed past me at the brooklyn museum bcuz her timed ticket was before mine even tho she was 14 minutes late. employee was like, "nah, you're late, get back in line."
"so the times mean nothing?"
"they mean something until you're late."
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this is a hell of a way to wake up. g’morning!
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lord, this dude would have been the biggest pain in the ass customer at the porn store. oakleys on during entire transactions.
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i know we’ve moved into the “ugh, who cares” portion of the spotify year end lists cycle but i just want to let you know that i have fully enjoyed seeing what y’all listened to.
love,
a former record store clerk and music data analyst
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“whew, i hope my LA peeps will finally get some relief for their insomnia...”
- me, reading their tweets at 4:04 am eastern time
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janelle does a thing in this bit that’s so effective. she does it throughout the whole special. what’s the thing? she’s FUNNY.
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i used to keep a very large dildo in the front passenger seat of my car, courtesy of my porn store job. it was called "the manrammer," had a built in handle. definitely noticed a decrease in car break-ins. once had to swing it at a guy.
What's the strangest weapon you used to or still carry? I used to keep big ass wrench in my car. Like almost 2ft long wrench
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i guess i’m mostly surprised with how naked ol’ dude is. doesn’t fucking on the senate floor feel like a “pull my panties to the side” situation?
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