Salma El-Wardany
@writtenbysalma
Followers
14,206
Following
6,291
Media
347
Statuses
30,572
‘𝐀𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧’ (The Patriarchy, 2022) Egyptian/Irish/Desi Muslim. Writer. Poet. BBC Presenter. Speaker. Business Owner. She/Her
London, England
Joined November 2011
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Pinned Tweet
‘It’s a little sexy’ said
@JennaBushHager
and that’s what I’ll have on my CV and tombstone.
Delighted to announce that the
@TODAYshow
own
#ReadWithJenna
book club have picked my debut novel for June. Please preorder and hand me a box of tissues if you see me, I’ll be weeping.
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I give you….my dad. 💖
He went out to Waterstones this morning to buy my book, despite the fact he will never read it because as he gruffly states, ‘it’s really not my kind of thing Salma,’ and my heart is done for.
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What if you found your soulmate but they love to clap when the plane lands.
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Thank god I don't have a thigh gap, I would have dropped my phone down the toilet by now if I did.
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This here is what we call white privilege and inhabited patriarchy.
"I never chose for someone to rape me."
Salma El-Wardany confronts Lois Perry after being told: "You can choose to be oppressed."
@writtenbysalma
|
@TheJeremyVine
|
#JeremyVine
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It's really not my problem if you're not clever enough to get my sarcasm.
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Sex so bad you don’t even bother sucking your stomach in.
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I can offer moral support. But apparently my morals are questionable so you might not want it.
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Since when did your stupidity become my problem.
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I guess I did what all the memes told me to do in lockdown; I finished my novel.
Every day I documented how many words I’d written on my calendar, and if anyone tells you that writing is anything but a back-breaking, sweat-inducing labour, they’re categorically lying to you.
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Let's just stop with all the retweets and fuck already.
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Guy texts me: Your beautiful.
Me: *You're
Silence......
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If you're not going to be a bad influence in my life than we probably won't be friends.
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I was in Parliament yesterday with
@jessphillips
We spoke about very serious things, but also we did this because balance is always necessary. Jess you were dreamy.
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I'm waiting for true love but will accept expensive gifts and rough sex in the interim.
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Which position would you like me in while you fuck me over?!
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Watching Grey's Anatomy teaches me that if I'm really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
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The fact that I can turn almost anything into a sexual innuendo is a well honed skill I take great pride in.
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Sometimes I get really sadistic and I check my bank balance.
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Wouldn’t it be nice if all those people who made NHS signs could make some BLM posters and stick them in their windows. Wouldn’t that be a sight to see.
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Before I agree to date a man, I watch how he eats a pear.
It's important to know how wet he's prepared to get his chin.
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Sometimes I just want to sit still and alone and tweet for hours. It's like going through the wardrobe door into another world.
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My tweets may make me sound like a total cunt but in my defence I am a cunt.
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My favourite sentence I’ve ever written:
My debut novel has been bought by
@TrapezeBooks
and
@HachetteUS
and will be published in June 2022. 🥳
If we’ve ever talked or liked each other’s tweets, you are obligated to buy it. I don’t make the rules 🤷🏽♀️
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Every word that comes out of your mouth is a series of unfortunate events.
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A completely unnecessary and extra book cover reveal, but I stand by it all the same. I have no regrets. 🤓
A big thank you to the team at
@TrapezeBooks
&
@orionbooks
for making such a beautiful cover. 💖
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Can you please wind your uterus in and ovulate less aggressively.
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I will never spam you with baby photos, but will incessantly post about my debut novel and how beautiful the proofs look, which have just arrived.
#TheseImpossibleThings
publishes in June 2022 and you can pre-order via link in my bio. I will of course love you forever if you do.
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Yorkshire tea and PG tips ACTUALLY serving the tea. WE FUCKING LOVE TO SEE IT. 👏🏽
In case you missed the beef between the racists and PG tips & Yorkshire Tea
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I need someone who sees the fire in my eyes, and instead of controlling it, wants to play with it.
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I'm sure we could have had a lovely conversation if you weren't a raging bitch.
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My second TEDx talk (😭 what an honour to be able to say that) is now live. Thank you to
@TEDxEuston
for inviting me.
This one is for all the mixed race kids. The diaspora kids. The ‘I’m not sure where I’m from’ kids.
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Arguably the best lay of my life.
My debut novel
#TheseImpossibleThings
IS OUT NOW! 🥳🥳🥳 I’m not advising that you go into bookshops and lie all over the books, but should you see my book out in the world please buy it and snap your beautiful self with it.
#Publicationday
💖
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Delighted to finally be able to announce that I’ll be the new Breakfast show host on
@BBCRadioLondon
Monday to Thursday, 7-10am, I’ll be waking the capital up. Rise and shine folks 🥰
We are delighted to announce that the fabulous Salma El-Wardany and Riz Lateef will be our new breakfast presenters from 31st October. Salma will be on air Monday - Thursday and Riz on Fridays.
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Trying to behave myself on national TV always takes such enormous effort. 😌 On
@JeremyVineOn5
at 9:15 if you fancy watching me on the front line.
The front line being right wing Twitter.
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Get the kettle on and join me on
@JeremyVineOn5
this morning at 9:15 to witness the only time I brush my hair and put make up on.
I’m just joking, I didn’t brush my hair, or wash it, and that’s why it’s up.
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Police: What the problem?
Me: Noisy neighbours, I can't sleep.
Police: Ma'am it's 4pm!
Me: I know, it's like they don't understand nap time.
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Oh calm down, you're not the only person I'm avoiding.
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I wept during Kamala Harris’s speech because life just became more possible for women, specifically women of colour.
Whatever your political leaning, this is a moment women and girls will remember. This is a moment for us all.
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Starting my Eid morning on the
@theJeremyVine
show, which is a sentence I never thought I’d say. Tune in as I continue to amaze everyone by not swearing on live tv.
9:15 we go live. 🧡👊🏽
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I wrote an article on my own experiences with sexual assault for
@SceneArabia
in light of the reckoning happening in Cairo and I hope it lends courage and strength to those women currently in the trenches.
We rise as one. ❤️
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Lockdown chess continues today on
@JeremyVineOn5
, as well as lots of chat, arguments and the usual disagreements. 😌 Tune in, 9:15am.
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I’m crying. Our book, It’s Not About The Burqa, has made it onto the
@Foyles
non fiction book of the year shortlist. Please buy, support and show the incredible women in it some love.
I’ll be crying for the rest of the day. Thank you all for attending this press conference. 😭
So so pleased to see
#ItsNotAboutTheBurqa
on the
@Foyles
Non Fiction Book of the Year shortlist! 🥳Congratulations to dear trailblazing
@helloiammariam
and the brilliant women who we are so proud to publish in this amazing essay collection🌟
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Masturbating is all good and well but pulling your own hair doesn't quite have the same effect!
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I cannot stress this enough, but I am not, I repeat NOT, available for interview or comment about the ship stuck in the Suez Canal.
I genuinely have no expertise in this area and would make terrible suggestions. The Salma El-Wardany you’re actually looking for is
@S_Elwardany
.
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I never look impressed but it’s just my morning face I promise. Live on
@JeremyVineOn5
at 9:15.
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Just another white man who’s disgusted and disappointed with my views. Get in line bro and welcome to the party.
"You're saying that I'm awful and disgusting for politicising this... this is political!"
Salma El-Wardany and Dan Wootton clash over the Government's handling of the coronavirus crisis - was Salma right to criticise?
@DanWootton
|
@writtenbysalma
|
@TheJeremyVine
|
#JeremyVine
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On set and getting ready to bring my unpopular liberal opinions to the nation. Tune in at 9:15 on channel 5 for the
@JeremyVineOn5
show. 💁🏽♀️
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I'm a hundred different things that you will never understand. Stop trying to define me by my tweets.
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On
@JeremyVineOn5
with the absolute hero
@CCriadoPerez
while
@thejamesmax
sits in between us nervously. Hold onto your hats kids, it’s going to get real feminist up in here. 😌
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My debut novel is now available to preorder and I’m treating this announcement as seriously as couples treat engagement photoshoots.
Please act accordingly. 😌
Amazon:
Waterstones:
Bookshop:
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Trying to look awake and lively on
@JeremyVineOn5
this morning and sending up prayers for make up artists and tea makers. They are the foundation of live television.
Tune in at 9:15.
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I’ve decided to rewrite the dictionary. 😌 Here’s my latest:
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Until I can download a cake and eat it I refuse to believe we've made any technological advancements at all.
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I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard on national television before. Thank you for the giggle.
"Not even an Italian primadonna could out-drama you, Mike..."
Things got a little heated when
@WrittenbySalma
and
@MikeParry8
debated banning meat from public events... but at least Mike's questionable pronunciations broke the ice a little!
@TheJeremyVine
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#JeremyVine
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Happy 3 year friendversary to the baddest babe out in these streets
@yassmin_a
🎉🥳💞
I’m gushing publicly because we only ever celebrate anniversaries when they’re to do with men and marriage but my female friendships are worth more, and deserve more attention and celebration.
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Blackface is wrong. Blackface is wrong. Blackface is wrong. What is dangerous however, is white people crying censorship because they’re no longer allowed to ridicule black people.
"There is a formula to follow if you get it wrong."
Salma El-Wardany says Justin Trudeau is right to apologise for wearing "brownface" makeup years ago - but Lois Perry thinks: "We're entering into a very dangerous period of censorship."
@writtenbysalma
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@TheJeremyVine
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I got my cuppa ready. Got my chess set out. I am ready for you this morning
@theJeremyVine
Tune in to
@JeremyVineOn5
and tweet me chess advice please. ☺️
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No thanks Facebook, I don't even want to remember what I did last night, let alone look back on my memories from 4 years ago.
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Friend: What's Twitter like?
Me: Think of somewhere really motivational and inspiring!
Friend: Yeah...
Me: It's the exact opposite.
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I need to work on my poker face. 🙄
What I said that cut out at the end was, ‘just because Priti Patel is brown and I’m brown doesn’t mean I have to back her’.
When working from home is interrupted by a blood boiling few minutes watching this on
#JeremyVine
No I don't need to ' back' someone I don't agree with just because they are a 'BAME' politician. Behave!
I need to be more like
@writtenbysalma
with those facial expressions.
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Tomorrow morning my brand new breakfast show begins on
@BBCRadioLondon
, starting with the Queen of Words
@susie_dent
who will smash a proverbial pot of tea off something to christen us and see us on our way.
Join me, 7-10am. Bring caffeine. 😌
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Love being referred to by my surname. Thanks gang. 💞
Egyptian-Irish poet Salma El-Wardany has signed a “six-figure deal” with
@TrapezeBooks
and Grand Central Publishing for her debut novel, The Way We Were. Congrats El- Wardany!
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Oh my god it feels so good!!!!!!
Me every time I get into bed.
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I never forget the debt of gratitude I owe to the women who have gone before me. We don’t get here on our own and
@monaeltahawy
has paved many roads I am able to walk down today. Eternally in awe. Forever thankful. Go love on the women who have helped you rise. That’s an order.
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Going live on
@JeremyVineOn5
at 9:15 where I will, no doubt, say something that upsets white men. Do tune in. ☺️
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Guy in the bar: Why are you single?
Me: Just lucky I suppose!
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Tomorrow I make my debut on
@BBCRadio4
and finally make my mother proud.
Tune in at 4:30pm as I explore the link between poetry and revolution, feat the extraordinary
@YrsaDaleyWard
@lisaluxx_
@TjDema
&
@nktgill
.
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Dear Men,
A friendly reminder that International Woman’s Day is not the time for you to talk about how much you love your mum or how you bought your girlfriend tampons that one time.
It’s the time to ask yourself the question; what do I actually do for women’s rights?
#IWD2021
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Dear men,
Just because you emphatically declare that you love your mum, doesn’t mean you’re not a misogynistic pig.
Kind regards,
Management
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That would have been a really good time to keep my mouth shut.
~ A biography.
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I’ll be presenting Prayer for the Day on
@BBCRadio4
all next week. An opportunity to share the beauty of Islam, and what a rare opportunity it is. I hope you can listen. I hope we can have different conversations about faith.
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I wish the Hunger Games were real. And you had been selected.
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Relationship status:
Milkshake is still in the yard.
Still no sign of the boys.
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I’m now a columnist for
@MetroUK
and you can find my first column right here: 👇🏽🥳
'Trust me when I say, if a woman wants something – or you – you’ll know about it. In the meantime, men might start learning the word "no", and what it really means.'
@writtenbysalma
writes for
@MetroUK
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I gave a TedX Talk about Muzzers (aka
#Muslims
to the rest of you) so you should go see what's up 👇🏽👇🏽
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The youth of today don't remember the earliest version of Twitter, which was just a communal pillow you could scream into.
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Getting lefty on the
@JeremyVineOn5
show with
@edvaizey
and
@GloriaDePiero
. Tune in at 9:15.
I will attempt to behave myself, but not really.
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It is my aim in life to reveal my book covers with as much pomp and ceremony (and quite frankly unnecessary behaviour) as gender reveal videos on the internet…
So allow me to introduce you to the US cover of my debut novel.
#TheseImpossibleThings
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If by swallow you mean swallow my expectations and self respect, then yes I swallow.
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Only one other household on my street out at 9:30 tonight to mark the vigil for Sarah Everard. Just another reminder that women are always so alone in their fight.
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With lots of giddy excitement and a little bit of pant wetting, I’m here to tell you that
@LionHeartfelt
and I will be starting our new show next Monday on
@BBCRadioLondon
I will be saying things like ‘pant wetting’ much to the disapproval of my co-host.
I hope you tune in.
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I'm positively worn out from all the sex I've been having in my imagination.
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People kept asking me to talk about what was happening in Egypt to raise awareness, so I made a documentary doing just that.
Catch it at 4:30 today on
@bbcworldservice
Featuring the wonderful
@monaeltahawy
who is thankfully, as furious as I am.
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The in only thing that makes the news and politics bearable is
@MrMichaelSpicer
and
#theroomnextdoor
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I'm the woman you date just before you meet the woman of your dreams.
Apparently.
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I managed to catch my phone before it landed on my face tonight in bed and so now I'm obviously Bruce Lee.
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If you and I are going to retweet each other all night long, can I at least be on top?
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Call it rape. Call it coercion. Call it manipulation. Call it misogyny. Call it sexism. Call it gaslighting.
CALL 👏🏽 IT 👏🏽 WHAT 👏🏽 IT 👏🏽 IS 👏🏽
Stop watering down the crimes of men to ‘unacceptable behaviour.’
Tez Ilyas has admitted "unacceptable behaviour" towards women, and been removed from the Live Comedy Association steering group.
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Flattery will get you everywhere but telling people to fuck off also gets you to a lot of places. Places away from people mainly.
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They said I had a face for radio and so here I am. 😌
I’ll be on
@BBCRadioLondon
all week from 1:30-5pm every day. Get involved babes.
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Remember lads, 1 in 4 women are raped. I know over 20 women, myself included, who have been raped. I don’t know a single rapist but I know a lot of men. Now my maths has always been shit but even I know that doesn’t add up. Your silence and your bro code makes you the problem.
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I've thrown myself all over my bed tonight to try and remember what sex feels like.
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Pretty adamant for
@yassmin_a
and I to become the IT couple of the literary scene, and so we made our debut at Beth O’Leary’s book launch for
#TheNoShow
tonight and it was wonderful. Met some wonderful women. Talked about a wonderful book. Congratulations Beth. 💛
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Dear Everyone/Babes,
I’m looking for Muslims celebrating Eid in London (from all the cultures) to come on my radio show on Eid night and have a ten minute chat about their Eid and how they celebrated. It will be over the phone.
Who do you know? Who’s up for it? Hollllerrr!!
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