Tony Tulathimutte
@tonytula
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Following
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730
Statuses
2,868
TOO lah tim MOO tee / author PRIVATE CITIZENS (2016) and REJECTION (2024) / founder @CRITWorks / 5'4
Joined March 2007
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Pinned Tweet
STOP 🛑 ✋🏼🚦 CHECKPOINT
preorder REJECTION 🥺
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a tinder match asked me how to get past the NYT cooking paywall, I told her and then she ghosted. respect
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babe what's wrong, you've barely formed a maternal bond with the jaby
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toni colette is like if nicolas cage had full control of his powers
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the only two sizes of yogurt are "not enough" and "congrats, fucko, your life is yogurt now"
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let me get this straight... I'm supposed to let the soft animal of my body love what it loves? the same body that's keeping the fucking score???
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this comment on a sleigh bells video aged me 30 years
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ok i'm gonna try to be calm about this but doesn't the Fleabag pilot have a scene where she MASTURBATES TO AN OBAMA SPEECH
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imagining the 95 theses dropping today and ppl saying "Martin Luther could nail me to a door tbqh"
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me and the boys are on our scampering shit... scurrying about underfoot.... if you're not down with scuttling unfollow
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the only thing Elizabeth Holmes is guilty of is ambition! and fraud
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not all of you contain multitudes tbh. some of u are just one guy
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the multiverse and time loops displaced time travel as a genre bc we no longer agree on the past or believe in the future, just infinite minuscule variations on the present
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just realized "enfant terrible" is french for bhad bhabie
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I think they should do a version of "The Crown" but about ad men in the 1960s
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[3 month old crying] oh great 🙄 my kid is trauma dumping on me again
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The Northman, a fine capstone to Robert Eggers's "I Know It Smell Crazy in There" trilogy
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leave it to a Lockheed Martin employee to weaponize identity
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lord grant me the confidence of a mediocre white walker
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yeah uh. hate that quarantine has done this to me, recently
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in the 90s you could just have a commercial for "eggs" and nobody would say anything
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the hardest part of writing a novel is describing things you've never done before, like sex
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just messed up big time. was having sex and instead of her name I said "I fucking love science"
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the brothers grimm. the brothers karamazov. the brothers property
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flashing back to the first day of my MFA where a guy tried to break the ice by saying "so what's everyone's favorite sex position? mine's missionary because you get to look into her eyes"
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[queer eye guys on their way to meet me]
antoni: so, his name is Tony, and his hobbies include posting about cum
tan: on MAIN?
antoni: on. main.
[jonathan makes shocked "home alone" face]
karamo: guys, looks like we gotta take Tony from shit poster, to HIT poster
[cheers]
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it's so boring to be nostalgic for the 60s or 50s or the classical age. be ambitious and pine for the days of the pre-oxygenated ocean! say shit like "eukaryotes ruined this country"
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find someone who looks at you the way mitski looks at her own hand
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[me getting my bros into books] reading is like pushups for your brain, which is sort of like a dick that's in your head
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closest i've ever felt to a biological clock is when I hit my thirties and immediately wanted a set of ramekins
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there's a reverse uncanny valley effect where when the company is harmless and obscure enough the corporate woke statement becomes effective again
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now that chrissy teigen's left, I will be the thai person with 34 million followers
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my desire not to be suckered, hookwinked, or flimflammed conflicts with my desire to slam my fist on a table and shout WE HAD A DEAL
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I'm nofap but for opinions. by retaining my opinions I become stronger, more confident, spiritually centered, sexually irresistible
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I'm fucking dying at this commercial where a guy is just vibing reading Marx and suddenly decides to clean out his earwax with an app 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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the premise of Animaniacs is that Warner Bros. Entertainment keeps three children prisoner in a water tower
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this title is funny no matter which British accent you imagine it in
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I went to the holyoke mall when Mortal Kombat 2 came out. I got to Shao Kahn as Scorpion on my last quarter & was eating shit until from behind me, in a thick boston accent, some guy says HE'S A SUCKAH FOR THE HAHPOON! he was right, I won, & when I turned around no one was there
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bernie campaigned on fundraising for korean war orphans when he ran for high school president 😭😭😭
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my gf and I are very independent: we keep separate apartments, sleep separately, we have never met in person, and I don't have a gf
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probably get picked up by the wave, smashed through the pink wall, then briefly dragged through the pool before going through the building skull first and dying
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why do teenage boys always sit like this when they're at restaurants with their parents
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date: you said on your dating profile you're "fluent in sarcasm," is that true?
me [panicking]: ....no?
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there used to be a guy whose job it was to bring you milk. he put on a white uniform and bowtie to physically carry milk to your door. sometimes he would be the subject of erotic reveries. just thinking aloud here
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"call me by your name" but both of their names are craig
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marxism is when you discriminate against people for being karl marx
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you want to dismantle the carceral state, yet you tell me to "go to horny jail"..... interesting....
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nothing will ever quite hit like digging an enormous fucking hole as a kid
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by some metrics, this tweet might end up having been the point of my life :/
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it may not sound like much, but it's amazing how much you can achieve with just a good night's sleep, exercise, a cup of coffee, 1600 mg L-theanine, 500 mg cocaine, two of the pills from limitless, a punch in the solar plexus from an old timey strongman, and 1200 mg cocaine
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Best American Short Stories 2019
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if ur able to nut but u didn't nut on NYE u still have last decade's nut in u. something to consider
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the birth rate is falling because everyone's throat game is getting too good
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the youths these days do not care for "rule of law," only "juul and claw" (white claw)
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if women would just look past my bad looks, ugly clothes, AWFUL hygiene, poor taste and personality etc., they would see that I own quite a lot of gundams
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the same anxiety underlies the time loop and multiverse narrative, which is the sense that the present reality is fractured or corrupted and must be repaired or escaped, and it's always up to a special individual to do it
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I don't know who needs to hear this but oh my god shut up
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